Half Way Done!

I am now officially half way done with phase 1 of my cancer saga.

I had my blood drawn this past week. My platelets were very low, so I had to go back in on Thursday to get blood drawn again. If my platelets were still low or any lower, they were going to have to do a platelet transfusion yesterday...the day I had chosen to celebrate my birthday, since I was so tired from chemo last week. (Yes, I am officially 31 years old now!!! No complaining here!!!) But, when I got my results back, my platelets were back up to the normal range with everything else! Something in this bod must be working right!!!

So we went out, celebrated, and did a little dancin'...and I felt good! I am renewed and ready to take on another round of chemo, but not until I enjoy this long holiday weekend!!!

What am I thankful for?? I am thankful for spray on tans and dancing under the stars! What ever you do, enjoy life, because you only have one chance!

Day 8, Round 2

Today was my short chemo day! Woo-hoo! I always feel so good on chemo day, which is nice! My blood work was not too bad. My white blood cells are down again, so I am supposed to avoid sick people, crowds, raw fruits and veggies, etc, you know. My RBC's were pretty good and I got a shot to help keep them there, and my HGB was better than last week, so that is good too! I take a shot tomorrow to help boost the white blood cells, which is good, but makes all my muscles ache, so I am taking volunteers for anyone who gives good back and shoulder rubs, because they usually hurt the worst. =)
All in all, I am doing better, and a thanks to all the supportive e-mails after the whinny one I put out late last night. I was tired and bummed, and that is just what happens....today I felt much better after some sleep and the chemo fog finally lifted! Funny, I forgot to make that psych appointment I said I was going to make! Sorry to those who have to put up on me on the bad days, but it is so hard to schedule those when you are feeling good!!! Maybe next week!! (wink-wink)
What am I thankful for!?!? ...for E-mail and for my friends who so lovingly and understandingly taking the mood swings for what they are and nothing more, and never give up on me! You will all never know how much you mean to me!! And, if I don't return you call.... I AM SORRY! I am working on it, I swear!

It t'was the night before chemo.....

....and all through the house not a person was stirring...except me.

In my dismay, I am trying to figure out what is going on with me...It seems like lately I have been in a weird place, and I can't seem to figure out what has changed. I just haven't really had any good feelings about anything lately. Not that I have really had any terrible bad ones either, but just nothing worth a lot of anything.

I haven't really wanted to talk to anyone and I haven't been able to think of a damn thing to say in my Blog. Hence, the short attempt I made earlier today just because I knew people were wondering where I was. But, I guess if one is going to type a Blog in order to put out there a realistic look at life with Cancer, one should address the ups and the downs. So, after my really great chemo day last week, I started to have some bad days...I got tired and sick. On the up side I have meds that help with the sickness, but the fatigue...that just lingers.

On Friday, I went out and I stayed out way too late knowing I was tired, but I paid the price, because then I had exhausted myself beyond a reasonable limit, which made Saturday a long day. And, when I am overly tired, much like a two year old child throwing a fit in the candy aisle at the grocery store 2 hours after naptime, things for me seem to decompensate rather quickly.

Then, on Saturday, after a two hour nap, I went with my family to a friends birthday party. I ended up leaving the party for awhile to go drive around and cry (only to later share it all with the whole world in my Blog). I was sad that I was tired, I was sad that I was sick. But I did NOT want to go home, and I did NOT want anyone at the party to see me and feel sorry for me, because I was happy to be in the same room with people I loved and who I knew loved me. I just didn't want them to talk to me, because I just didn't feel like talking! Finally , we headed home and went to bed around midnight. I got up at 11am on Sunday, went back to bed at noon and finally got up for the day at about 3pm (a good 14 hours of sleep). Luckily, my mom took the kiddos to the zoo, so I was able to get that apparently much need sleep.

I think when I go to the doctor tomorrow, I am going to go ahead and make that appointment with a psychologist. What do you think? I think I am ready. And, if you have made it all the way through this rambling, you may be ready too! I will check to see how many slots she has open!

And while I am at it, I think I am going to schedule to meet with a nutritionist who specializes in diets for cancer patients. As much as I love the kiwi and pears I am eating at my aunts loving request, I should probably work on the rest of my diet as well. For those of you that are interested in the alternative types of treatment and health, I have also added to my diet a shot of some multivitamin potion my friend gave me, 6 capsules a day of Ganoderma Lucidum, and 3 tablets of Ellagic Acid. I am also working on installing a water purifier to my shower to take the chlorine out of the water, because apparently that is bad for me too!

SO...there you have it. ((That was even a little painful for me to read!))

What am I thankful for? People who care enough about me to read all that blah, blah, blah, because while some of it is awfully embarrassing to put out there, it makes me feel better to get it out of my head, and gives me something to do at midnight when I can't sleep. And maybe, if there is someone out there with cancer who happens upon my site, perhaps it will make them feel a little less alone. xo!

(I will try to think of something funny or inspirational for my next blog, or maybe not...)

Pink Paper Roses

Today I was shopping over my lunch break. As I was checking out, I grabbed one of the pink paper roses they are selling for a dollar to help promote breast cancer research. The girl checking me out said that she had noticed that I buy one each time I am in, and gave me a gift with my purchase for being a such a charitable customer. It makes me wonder if her life has been touched by someone with breast cancer. It wouldn't really surprise me, it seems like everyone I talk to knows someone who has been through this, in some form or another. Anyway, I guess I really appreciated her enthusiasm and felt like I wanted to share it with you all. It is such a small thing, but as a person with breast cancer, it really makes me feel good to see people being so supportive of the cause....because it is my life....
What am I thankful for?....those who are working on finding a cure for breast cancer, and all those who find it in their heart to donate to the cause!!

Day 1, Round 3- Good Stuff

When this round is over I will be half way done with the first step of my battle! And, the worst chemo visit (because it is so long) is now over with!
Today a friend of mine took me to chemo...She had the task of hanging out and waiting from 10am to 3pm with me! She was a great entertainer!! She told stories the whole time, and made the visit just zip by! Several times, I actually forgot I was there!!!

The doc examined me and said that he felt my condition was responding well to the treatment. He said my tumor definitely felt smaller. And the blood must have been some good stuff because all my blood counts were within a fairly good range! The gave me a shot of Aranesp today to stay on top of my red cells, and help me keep from getting soooo... fatigued. Here's to hoping it works!

My doc will be gone next week...off to a conference to learn new defenses in the fight against cancer. I will miss him (wink-wink) but the PA is very nice!

Returned to Lincoln to see my kiddos run track! Laken got 3 out of three in the 50 yard dash! He stopped 5 yards from the finish to look for us and wave and smile!! Went from a nose length lead for the blue ribbon to third place! But....gotta love that smile!!! Skye got 1st place in the 100 yard dash...we are going to start calling him dash because he has a whole collection of blue ribbons now! He is my competitive child! It was a great end to a pretty darn good day!! I got to spend time with a friend, give my cancer a good strong kick in the @ss, and I got to see my kids have fun and play!

I bought a sound machine today, hoping it will help with my sleep issues! So I am off to listen to the "waves crash on the beach"! Well, minus the waves and the beach and the Mai Tai's, but here is to pleasant dreams to all of you!!!

What am I thankful for?!
Two parents who are loving and supportive and have molded me into the person that I am today! ((I am sure there are some quirks in there too, but those are cute and endearing, right?!?!))

Nite-Nite!!!

Courage

Apparently, a perfectly normal day can be followed by a perfectly not normal night.

What is courage?

Everyone keeps telling me how courageous I am and how strong that I am. Well, unless courage is found huddling on the guest bathroom floor crying at 3:30 in the morning, I am not so sure that I am the picture of courage. It is times like these where I wish that there was something that I could do to make this all go away. I wish I could be strong and run it off, or stay up for days and study it away, or something, anything. But my current reality is that I am here doing what I can to eat right and keep the rest of my system healthy while I wait to see what Gods plan is for me. I am Girl in Limbo. And in the mean time, I am going to put all my energy into enjoying life, I guess that is what I am meant to do!

You know, there is something very therapeutic about typing this Blog. It seems, that either I am such a slow typer that by nature it just gives me enough time to feel better or that by putting my thoughts into words it gets them out of my head where they seem to fog up a perfectly happy yet quirky thought pattern, but...I feel better already. And am actually quite thankful. What am I thankful for now? I am thankful that my boys have good aim when they use that guest bathroom! ((Oh, and I guess it is the 6th now...Happy Birthday, boys! I love you!))

Normal Day...

.....whether you have a perfectly healthy body or one with cancer, sometimes you just have an average, just like any other day, kind of a day. That is what today has been.

What am I thankful for? Those people who donate blood so that those of us who are a little less fortunate in certain areas of life, can have an average, just like any other day, kind of a day! (Especially those A positive type people!)

ROCK STAR!

Got 2 units of blood today! Must have been the blood of a Rock Star, because I am feeling good now! So watch out I am workin' on those dance moves!!!

O.K.- actually I am just working on getting things done around the house that had been pushed to the side during my May Day Extravaganza and I just finished stuffing 45 gift bags for the kids' birthday parties at daycare! And now... I am off to read a little more in "The Tao of Pooh"!

Nite!

No Chemo Tuesday!

Today was blood draw day.

I found out that my white blood cells are up and my reds are up a little. My Hgb-for those of you who do not know, hemoglobin is the part of your blood that carries oxygen from your lungs to the rest of your body- is quite low, so I will be going up to Omaha tomorrow to spend the day for a little rest and blood transfusion (the next best thing to rest and relaxation)! I suppose that is why I kept getting lightheaded when I tried to dance on Friday night...I thought it may have just been the heat from my ultra sexy dance moves! ((If you have ever seen me dance, you would understand how funny, not egotistical, that statement really is!!))
Now, I have reached the point where I start taking a little unpaid leave time. Bottomed out my sick leave in the last two months, with an astounding 60 odd hours off in March and and an additional 20 some hours off in April! What a slacker, I know!! Have a little vaction time left, but I think I will save that for the kids events that I want to attend. But really, the worst part of missing work tomorrow?....tomorrow is a food day, which means no meat snacks and chocolate cake for breakfast!(really, thinking that my body may have sacrificed itself to get out of eating my co-workers cooking!)
Well, I was told that my last blog was quite wordy, so I am going to wrap it up, and go try out my new "healing meditation" CD. Hope you all get a little R&R yourselves!
What am I thankful for? The sweetness and innocence of children! After track practice tonight, my little one said, "Mommy, I am so proud of you! You did such a good job watching me at track!" Oooohhhh....so sweet he melts my heart!

Cancer Sucks!

Yesterday was a bad day, and for Cancer to make May Day a bad day really sucks! I always look forward to May Day...the grass is turning green, the leaves are coming out on the trees, the flowers are blooming, and my kids' birthdays are just around the corner, which means a day off of work to go to the zoo(not to mention being one year closer to having no daycare bills!)!!!
But let's get real, this year, May Day was a bit of a drag. I spent all day helping the kids decorate the May Day "baskets", fill them, and deliver them(that was the good part). However, while normally this activity would take about an hour, on this particular May Day, we started at 10:30 am and finished the last delivery at about 6:30pm. No, not because we did a million of them, not because the baskets were fancy and elaborate, but because there were lots of much needed rest breaks throughout the process for me to sprawl out on the couch due to nausea and/or lightheadedness, or just an overwhelming feeling of crappiness (not to mention- a 2 1/2 hour nap) But, me being me, I was bound and determined to do what it took to not let cancer ruin my(and my children's) holiday, and the little bit of crazy holiday tradition that I have carried on from my childhood to my children's childhood. (Happy May Day, Jeff!)
I was so happy to have successfully completed another special family moment. We had dinner, and I headed off to bed thinking that sleep would come easily considering how badly I wanted it all day, but much to my dismay...now...I was wide awake. I do not know what possessed me to get on the internet and type in- search for "stage IV breast cancer survivors", but I did. And, if you have done this, you will find that you are able to quickly locate some of the saddest and most depressing stories on the internet...stories filled with false hopes and short remissions. Which, is then quickly followed by streams of tears and a lot of "why me's" floating around in my overwhelmed and less than hopeful mind. But then, after a short pity party, and a "lets please talk about nothing" phone call to a friend, I went back to the computer and searched until I found that one story where someone in my condition had beaten the odds for 15 years now...that would get me to 46 years old, and my kids to 18 and 21 years old...you just can't help but find that comforting when you are in my situation. I know, most of you who are reading this are very positive people and are certain that I am going to be the miracle that makes it to 90+ years old, and I thank you for all of that positive energy; however, I need to take this day by day, and to me 1 year is a blessing, 15 years is a miracle, and 60+ years, well, that just makes me tired to think about. The good thing is, when I get into the pity mode, it is quickly followed with the determined and angry me who wants to live to **have daughter-in-laws who find me quirky and annoying, and ***a husband who complains that I nag too much, ***to compare age spots with my equally old girl friends who will surely have more and larger spots than me, and ***to give my grandchildren pixie sticks and send them home with there parents!!!
And, what am I thankful for? Today! Because, today I am full of energy, out of my chemo-fog, and happy to be doing the hum-drum everyday stuff of life!