....and all through the house not a person was stirring...except me.
In my dismay, I am trying to figure out what is going on with me...It seems like lately I have been in a weird place, and I can't seem to figure out what has changed. I just haven't really had any good feelings about anything lately. Not that I have really had any terrible bad ones either, but just nothing worth a lot of anything.
I haven't really wanted to talk to anyone and I haven't been able to think of a damn thing to say in my Blog. Hence, the short attempt I made earlier today just because I knew people were wondering where I was. But, I guess if one is going to type a Blog in order to put out there a realistic look at life with Cancer, one should address the ups and the downs. So, after my really great chemo day last week, I started to have some bad days...I got tired and sick. On the up side I have meds that help with the sickness, but the fatigue...that just lingers.
On Friday, I went out and I stayed out way too late knowing I was tired, but I paid the price, because then I had exhausted myself beyond a reasonable limit, which made Saturday a long day. And, when I am overly tired, much like a two year old child throwing a fit in the candy aisle at the grocery store 2 hours after naptime, things for me seem to decompensate rather quickly.
Then, on Saturday, after a two hour nap, I went with my family to a friends birthday party. I ended up leaving the party for awhile to go drive around and cry (only to later share it all with the whole world in my Blog). I was sad that I was tired, I was sad that I was sick. But I did NOT want to go home, and I did NOT want anyone at the party to see me and feel sorry for me, because I was happy to be in the same room with people I loved and who I knew loved me. I just didn't want them to talk to me, because I just didn't feel like talking! Finally , we headed home and went to bed around midnight. I got up at 11am on Sunday, went back to bed at noon and finally got up for the day at about 3pm (a good 14 hours of sleep). Luckily, my mom took the kiddos to the zoo, so I was able to get that apparently much need sleep.
I think when I go to the doctor tomorrow, I am going to go ahead and make that appointment with a psychologist. What do you think? I think I am ready. And, if you have made it all the way through this rambling, you may be ready too! I will check to see how many slots she has open!
And while I am at it, I think I am going to schedule to meet with a nutritionist who specializes in diets for cancer patients. As much as I love the kiwi and pears I am eating at my aunts loving request, I should probably work on the rest of my diet as well. For those of you that are interested in the alternative types of treatment and health, I have also added to my diet a shot of some multivitamin potion my friend gave me, 6 capsules a day of Ganoderma Lucidum, and 3 tablets of Ellagic Acid. I am also working on installing a water purifier to my shower to take the chlorine out of the water, because apparently that is bad for me too!
SO...there you have it. ((That was even a little painful for me to read!))
What am I thankful for? People who care enough about me to read all that blah, blah, blah, because while some of it is awfully embarrassing to put out there, it makes me feel better to get it out of my head, and gives me something to do at midnight when I can't sleep. And maybe, if there is someone out there with cancer who happens upon my site, perhaps it will make them feel a little less alone. xo!
(I will try to think of something funny or inspirational for my next blog, or maybe not...)