Yesterday was a bad day, and for Cancer to make May Day a bad day really sucks! I always look forward to May Day...the grass is turning green, the leaves are coming out on the trees, the flowers are blooming, and my kids' birthdays are just around the corner, which means a day off of work to go to the zoo(not to mention being one year closer to having no daycare bills!)!!!
But let's get real, this year, May Day was a bit of a drag. I spent all day helping the kids decorate the May Day "baskets", fill them, and deliver them(that was the good part). However, while normally this activity would take about an hour, on this particular May Day, we started at 10:30 am and finished the last delivery at about 6:30pm. No, not because we did a million of them, not because the baskets were fancy and elaborate, but because there were lots of much needed rest breaks throughout the process for me to sprawl out on the couch due to nausea and/or lightheadedness, or just an overwhelming feeling of crappiness (not to mention- a 2 1/2 hour nap) But, me being me, I was bound and determined to do what it took to not let cancer ruin my(and my children's) holiday, and the little bit of crazy holiday tradition that I have carried on from my childhood to my children's childhood. (Happy May Day, Jeff!)
I was so happy to have successfully completed another special family moment. We had dinner, and I headed off to bed thinking that sleep would come easily considering how badly I wanted it all day, but much to my dismay...now...I was wide awake. I do not know what possessed me to get on the internet and type in- search for "stage IV breast cancer survivors", but I did. And, if you have done this, you will find that you are able to quickly locate some of the saddest and most depressing stories on the internet...stories filled with false hopes and short remissions. Which, is then quickly followed by streams of tears and a lot of "why me's" floating around in my overwhelmed and less than hopeful mind. But then, after a short pity party, and a "lets please talk about nothing" phone call to a friend, I went back to the computer and searched until I found that one story where someone in my condition had beaten the odds for 15 years now...that would get me to 46 years old, and my kids to 18 and 21 years old...you just can't help but find that comforting when you are in my situation. I know, most of you who are reading this are very positive people and are certain that I am going to be the miracle that makes it to 90+ years old, and I thank you for all of that positive energy; however, I need to take this day by day, and to me 1 year is a blessing, 15 years is a miracle, and 60+ years, well, that just makes me tired to think about. The good thing is, when I get into the pity mode, it is quickly followed with the determined and angry me who wants to live to **have daughter-in-laws who find me quirky and annoying, and ***a husband who complains that I nag too much, ***to compare age spots with my equally old girl friends who will surely have more and larger spots than me, and ***to give my grandchildren pixie sticks and send them home with there parents!!!
And, what am I thankful for? Today! Because, today I am full of energy, out of my chemo-fog, and happy to be doing the hum-drum everyday stuff of life!