I am a mess!

Well, I don't know what the deal is...is there more cancer out there? Do I just notice it more? Do people just come to me with questions more since I have it? I don't know, but right now it seems like the whole world is going to be consumed by cancer. (Not me of course, because the all knowing FB quiz said I was going to die in my 70's during a tragic stripper pole accident!)

This month alone....
I had a friend lose her stepmom to cancer,
I had a friend lose a friend to cancer,
and I watched in sorrow as my community lost a beautiful and courageous 4 year old little boy to cancer.
And, this month alone.....
I watch from afar as a fellow HOH restarts a difficult battle with the disease,
I arrange my schedule to synchronize my chemo treatments with the chemo treatments of a dear childhood friend,
I will attend a benefit for a local cancer fighter from my hometown,
I celebrated the life of a friend I lost to cancer, on her birthday, without her,
I talk almost daily to a mom who is distraught with the grief of having a son-in-law with cancer and the effects it has on the whole young family,
and daily I gulp down sleeping pills and painkillers to try and continue life as usual with rib pain due to my own damn cancer.

And then, after all of that, people have the nerve to say to me, "why do you do relay?", "don't you have enough on your plate?".....

I can't think of one reason why I shouldn't do relay. I don't know how I could sleep at night, knowing what I know, and feeling how I feel and not do relay. I don't know if I could ever forgive myself for not trying to fight back against this disease! I have lost too much....I will lose too much in the future....and every second I doubt my strength to go on, I vow to put one more dollar into the pot.
One more dollar to help others go on.
One more dollar towards research to cure a disease that takes kids, and moms, and dads....sisters....brothers...beloved friends....
One more dollar to help a young lady learn how to paint on eyebrows and feel pretty so that she maintains the self-esteem needed to keep fighting for her life.
How could I sleep?......

What am I thankful for?!
The will, and the ability, to FIGHT BACK!


Anonymous said...


This is a bueatiful peice of your mind! I just lost an Aunt to Lung cancer and really struggled with the thoughts on how she coped day to day. Keep your head up high and always FIGHT! God Bless.

Ed from facebook

ROSEH said...

You are there for others to look up to for your strength and perserverence to go forward to fight back...............love ya rose