Well, I think the anxiety of my upcoming scans has kicked into full gear now. I don't really feel nervous during the day, and haven't been consciously thinking about it too much, but at night I am having the hardest time getting to sleep, and when I do fall asleep I am having all sorts of nightmares. I don't know if it is all the PINK stuff that is out there right now for Breast Cancer Awareness month that is making me crazy or what, but about a week ago I had a dream (nightmare) that Dan had to wake me from, because apparently my tossing and turning had startled him. I was dreaming that I was walking through a field alone, and it was dark. There were broken down barns on each side of me....all of a sudden.... men dressed in pink bunny costumes (yes, the Easter bunny kind) jumped out at me and just started screaming like maniacs. They were not saying anything....just screaming. That is when I tried to scream but no sound would come out, and it was in that fit of terror that Dan woke me up to see if I was okay! Now, I am no psychologist, but generally pink bunnies are not what nightmares are made of!!! Seriously, had Dan not woke me up, they may have stoned me with Easter eggs or forced me to eat chocolate, or some other horrible fate!
Breast Cancer Awareness month is becoming quite the month, with sales of everything from ink pens, bagels, diamond necklaces, and even pink kitchen appliances going to breast cancer research! I love it, because I know that the money that is made from the sales of all these things could lead to a cure in my lifetime, or at least lead to more advanced drugs that will make "my lifetime" longer and longer! HOWEVER, all his pink "stuff" makes it a little hard to forget about what I am going through. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, and not being reminded of my cancer is a blessing as well! I think about it enough as it is! Just think about it, if you logged on to my BLOG, then you were thinking about it, which means you probably think about my cancer every now and then, and I....I think about it every time I get up in the morning and wash my hair with special shampoo to help my hair grow back in thicker from the thinning it did during chemo, every time I make a pot of green tea in the a.m. to drink throughout the day because of the health benefits and the fact that it makes my mother happy, every time I put food into my mouth because of my special "fight cancer diet", every time my kids say something about the future (like "when you are a grandma will you..." or "when I get married will you..."), and every time I get out there and run, because as Melissa Etheridge says in her new song, "I Run for Life"! I also think about my cancer every time I see the scar and lump over my heart when my chemo port is, every time I go to the doctor, every time I look into the eyes of my parents and see their worry, and every single time I see something PINK! Damn, I really don't know when I get anything done! Oh, and that new song from Melissa Etheridge is definitely worth a listen. It means a lot to me, and it sure does say a lot in not too many words (much unlike this Blog which seems to be getting pretty long, and I still have two more things to cover yet!)
I received an e-mail from a breast cancer website that I belong to that indicated that Kodak was wanting some photos of breast cancer survivors for an upcoming commercial. So, I sent in a couple of pics, and they chose a picture of me holding my godson. It is a picture of me shortly after I cut my hair really short in anticipation of chemotherapy. I believe it was only a few days after I had my port surgery. I believe the commercial is going to show lots of photos of women in their everyday lives, and then at the end of the commercial they are going to note that all the women you just saw are breast cancer survivors. Last I heard, my pic was going to be used, but I have not heard back from them since I faxed in my model release forms! HAHAHA, "model release forms"!! ?? That cracked me up too! I was a little disappointed that they did not use the picture of me with my kiddos, but I feel like my Godson and I share some odd bond, because at exactly the same time as I was walking out of the hospital from my breast biopsy my friend was walking into that very same hospital in labor with this precious little soul! I have no idea when or where, but if you happen to see a Kodak commercial with breast cancer survivors, look for me holding a gorgeous little baby boy, and drop me a line, too, because I would like to see it as well. I guess my hopes to give a face to YOUNG women with breast cancer might come true, even if it is a tiny pic on TV for a millisecond!!! =)
I went to a breast cancer survivors luncheon last week, and I can tell you, young people with breast cancer are hard to find. That luncheon looked more like a "How to cope with Menopause" or maybe even more like an "AARP" meeting for women. I was by FAR the youngest in the crowd! But, it was nice to be among others who know, somewhat, what I am going through. It is kind of comforting.
What am I thankful for?!?! Hot-tubbing under the stars, great friends and family, and now that it is getting colder out...my fleece monkey jammies!!!