There is always a story!

So... Yesterday was your average run of the mill day of nothing to eat and drink after midnight, no big deal, well, only a small deal when your scans are at 7am. So, ya miss a cup of coffee or two, or a diet soda, in my case.
Well, bigger deal when your scans are at 1pm! By that point I was starving...I eat when I am nervous, I think I have mentioned that before, and the caffeine headache had set in! They said I could take my medications as I normally do, so I went so far as to digging out the Midol for the caffeine content! I know, I truly am a caffeine junkie! People at work literally GIVE me money, "no need to borrow, please just take it" if I for get my soda money....sad isn't it.
Okay, so it's not like I don't have reserves, I have a few extra pounds packed on, it is not like I am going to starve to death!
I walked into the office where I was going to have my scans done and my tech was about to inhale tacos and a soda...I was joking around about how tacos were my fav, and he politely tucked them away, and offered to save one for me for after my scans. No, I did not take a taco from a starving tech. I assured him I could wait, and that I had twizzlers waiting for me in the car for when I was done! I got checked in and sat done. In the waiting room they were watching the Food Network! Apparently I was not the only one obsessing over food at the moment. I probably wasn't even that hungry, my stomach was just angry that I took my meds on an empty stomach and then threw in so midol on top of that! Yummy! But, the headache did go away which was nice.
So, when they were ready for me, I went to a room...more of a closet, with a recliner, a sink, and an IV pole, with a bright yellow sign that says "Warning: Radioactive Material". After about 5 minutes in the chair with an IV started and something from a syringe circulating, I realized that that Radioactive Material was ME! I know, right?! I was hoping I got to wear a t-shirt out of there with that warning on it! As if I don't have enough t-shirts. So, before a PET scan they give you the radioactive glucose, I believe that is what it is, but also a huge bag of fluids and some lasix (the stuff that makes you pee a lot). So, conveniently the bathroom is located right next door to me and my recliner in the radioactive closet! So for the next hour, or a little more I received IV fluids and then flushed them out, then more fluids and more flushing. Not really the funnest game, but it kept me occupied. I talked to the techs who lingered at the door every once in a while, and time went by. The tech that does most of my scans, we will call him Bobbie, but his name is Matt, is 25 years old and embarrasses easily...oh this is so fun for me, I love it when people embarrass easily!
I went back to the scanning room, got placed in the machine, and waited. Over the top of my feet, I could see the techs all gathering on the other side of the glass wall. They informed me that they were getting ready to start. The sooner the better, those rooms feel like meat lockers! They slowly moved my body into the machine, and then they all got these concerned and then perplexed looks on their faces! ---OH GREAT! ---After a couple of minutes Bobbie came back into the room and asked if I have had surgery on my right side, and if they had implanted something, and with his hands he is making a motion like it could be the size of a plum?! No, no surgery. I have cancer in the rib on that side...had I suddenly grown a massive tumor there?!? He then asked if when I was in the staging room, maybe I had my MP3 player laying on my chest and maybe that was showing up as heat or something?!?? No.... Then I realized that maybe it could be my breast prosthesis (which IS bigger than a plum, I know you were thinking that), so I told him I was wearing one, and went to take it out, and he had bolted out of the room muttering what sounded like "the girls will no more..."! One of the girls came in, I gave it to her, we started again, and that was that. The gel inset used to weigh down the foam prosthesis was showing up on the scan. Whew! That was a scare. The rest of the scan was quiet. I know they all know what it showed, but no one can tell me. I have to wait for the radiologists.
So, after the PET scan I went back to my closet to drink a little banana flavored CT contrast. Sadly, the same contract that has made me feel gaggy in the past, was now very exciting! Because...you guessed it.... it was now 3:30 or 4 o'clock, and I still had not yet had anything to eat or drink! They should have brought it in a champagne glass for as excited as I was! It was yummy....really! Matt, I mean Bobbie, walked by and I flagged him down and told him that I was hurt, because I thought we had something special, and when I tried to hand him my boob, he had bolted! HAHA! I know, creepy! But I crack me up! And, he does embarrass easy! All shades of red! Poor kid, had no idea what to say. He did mention that that was the first time that has ever happened to him, and then I told him not to worry, I am scheduled to be back every three months for the rest of my life! It could happen again!
So, I think that if anyone is looking for a good nuclear medicine tech, Bobbie might be looking for a new location to work at!!!
After my CT contrast had time to wind its way through my system, I was off to the CT scanner. That was quick and painless! I was done by 4:45pm when they took me back to the locker containing my purse, jacket and boob.
Another day at the cancer center was over!
So for those of you who are waiting to hear the results, I will find out Friday afternoon, or Monday morning! I will likely send out some text messages if you are in my cell phone and I will also blog the results to the rest of you. As always, your support is overwhelming and generous!
What am I thankful for?! All the very nice and fun techs that work in the office I go to! I am thankful for their ability to play along with all my joking, because that is how I get through days such as this. Humor heals! I am also thankful for the twizzlers that I had waiting for me in the Jeep when I left, and for the soda as big as my head that I drank on the way home. And as always, I am thankful for my hubby's support and for my sweet children (one old enough to be nervous too, and one young enough to keep us busy enough to occasionally forget to be nervous)! And again, I thank all of you who sent me text and e-mail prayers, vibes, and luck! Big 'ol hug and smooch to you all!

For those of you that were concerned-

I made it to and home from Kim's Celebration of Life without any major problems with the weather. The wind was pretty bad on my little Jeep and it snowed the last 100 miles, but visibility was never really any issue. There were a few slick spots that the wind complicated a little, but all in all, was a fine drive.
Kim's Celebration was Perfect! I think it was just how she would have wanted it! It truely was a celebration!
It was a little cathartic for me, I cried through the whole thing, for so many, many reasons. She is such a beautiful person, but now she is a beautiful person on the other side.
Now on to scans...a little cranky. If you know me, I am a comfort food person, and veggies and meat don't really qualify in my book as comfort food. Well, not when you take all the good stuff off! My other coping skill is running, and I can't exercise either. Not for at least 48 hours prior to the PET scan. My only other coping skills I have left, are blogging and sleeping. So, I am going to throw this out there and hit the sack!
What am I thankful for?!? I am thankful that Kim and her family have a strong faith for which to cling to through their trials, tribulations, and the joyous times as well. I am thankful for their love and strength, and I am thankful for the big wonderful hugs that I got from her husband and her parents today. I was hoping that some of Kim was there with me in those moments. You can just feel the warmth in their family! All my love!
I am also thankful for all the 'good luck on your scans' text messages that I have been receiving ! I might not respond right away or even at all, but each and everyone is heart felt! I love all of you too!

"Kim is Dancing with Jesus"

Kim is my friend---a beautiful, strong, AMAZING woman with an enduring faith! And now, she has ended her almost 6 year battle with breast cancer at the age of 33 years. As her husband so beautifully put it, "Kim is Dancing with Jesus"!
I am happy for Kim, because she is now free of the pain and suffering that was tying her down, and free of the mental fatigue of a declining body.
I pray for her family, her friends, her husband, and her three gorgeous children who will miss her terribly! She will live in their hearts and mine forever and ever, as she watches over them from above!

Kim, Someday I will see you again. Just like you said in your note to me..."I will meet you at the pearly gates, sooner or later! Heaven is our eternal pain-free life!" You got it!
Dance on my Sister!!!! (...maybe put in a good word for me with the big man!) Love, Tracy

Since Kim's "Celebration of Life" will be on Wednesday morning, I have rescheduled my scans for Thursday! Thanks to everyone who has been keeping me in their prayers, and throw one in for Kim's family if you could!
What am I thankful for?! The huge outpouring of support that Kim and her family have in Orange City! It is a beautiful little town!

For the love of scans...

Well, I think the melt down has begun, because everyone keeps asking me what is wrong with me...I guess I get a little short at times and a little weepy, and by weepy, I mean I cry if my pen runs out of ink. The other day, I cried so much I was insisting that I have my tearducts plugged and my ovaries removed!!! And I didn't even consciously know why I was feeling or acting that way until one of my friends asked, "So, when are your scans?". I guess sometimes you have friends that know you better than you know yourself!
Thankfully Relay season is now in swing and I have other things and people to concentrate on than just me, my scans, and whether or not I have cancer hiding in my big toe! Really, I lost a boob, how bad could a big toe be to lose...oh damn, flip flops...okay, so there can't be cancer in my big toe!
My scans...they are on Wednesday morning...7am in Omaha...being the morning person I am I plan to sleep right through them! I am having CT scans of my chest, abdomen, and pelvis, and a PET scan. The whole process will take about 4 hours. The CT scans have few rules...no food or drink after midnight. The PET scan is a little more picky. No exercise for two days prior, and the day before, nothing but veggies and protein! Sounds a lot like that No carb diet I tried three times. The first time I made it one day. The second time I made it two days. The third time I made it one day, and vowed never to try that stupid diet again! Okay, so...one more day won't kill me!
As for Relay getting started, I have gotten the chance to do "my hope thing" twice this last week. I got to speak at the Haymarket Park Relay Kick Off in Lincoln and the Otoe County Relay Kickoff in Nebraska City! Both were great opportunities to share my story, sing the praises of the American Cancer Society, and share the IMPORTANCE OF EARLY DETECTION! Doing something always seems to help my spirits! It is nice to feel like this is all happening for a reason...but I still HATE it when someone tells me that!
I get to go to Sesame Street Live with the kiddos, so I need to get going!
What am I thankful for?! My "hope thing" and great big furry Grovers and Elmos!!!

Chemo with kids

This past Monday, New Year's Eve, I had treatment. It was the first time that the kids had gone to treatment with me.
Back when I was getting my therapy at the hospitals cancer center there were a lot of very ill people in the treatment room, and I never felt comfortable exposing my kids to that. When I started going to a cancer center more removed from the hospital and my oldest son continued to ask to go, I decided that we would try it. I know that a lot of times we make up things in our heads that are a lot more scary than what is really happening, but we don't know that because we have never been exposed to it. So, I thought this was a good way for my son to see what chemotherapy was all about and hopefully, if he had created scary visions of what it might be like, these visions would now be dispelled.
My new cancer center has fewer patients, and the patients seem to be more independent, overall. So, with chemo falling on a non school day, I agreed to bring him along. This is when my youngest son decided that he wanted to go too! We packed up the game boys, Nintendo DS's, all the games, and two MP3 players and the boys and I headed off to chemo!
They watched as I was taken to a little staging area, was weighed, and my blood pressure and temperature were taken.
Then, they followed as we were lead back to the big, sun-filled room full of recliners and IV poles where I would be getting my treatment. I picked out a recliner and they each tried to pull up the spinney stools that the doctors sit on. I always have, and still maintain, that you have to go to a lot of school to get the privilege of sitting on one of those spinney stools, so they needed to get up, pick a recliner, and consider med school if they thought those stools looked fun! They piled into the recliner next to me. My youngest watched intently as they placed the needle in my port, drew blood, filled the tubes, and then flushed my port with saline. They then taped the connecting tubes to my sweatshirt while they waited for my blood counts and the results of my kidney and liver functions tests, to see if it was safe to give me my chemotherapy. My youngest son then decided to play his game boy, which my oldest son had yet to look up from. He said in the car on the way, "I don't want to see them put a needle in you." And, he didn't.
The physician's assistant surfaced a few minutes later to go over my blood work, discuss any new symptoms, and check out the newest in personal gaming devices. I turned out that my blood counts were a little off, but nothing too frightening so chemo was a-go as expected.
My chemo nurse came back with a bag of saline and two bags of chemotherapy which she promptly hung on my IV pole with a bunch of tubing.
This is where the boys started to glance up from their games, but only momentarily, to check on me. Since nothing too earth shattering appeared to be happening they continued to play their games while snuggled up together in a recliner next to an empty IV pole. Thank God their IV pole was empty, I thought to myself. Thank God this was happening to me and not to them.
The nurse turned on my pump, and walked away.
My youngest was the first to venture over. He was looking at the tubing as it is disappeared under my sweatshirt, so I asked him, "Do you want to see how I get my medicine?" He just nodded, so I showed him how the chemo drips from the bag, into the pump, through a few feet of tubing and into my port. He touched it once, and was content. I gave him a kiss and a squeeze and he was back to gaming with his brother. A few minutes later his brother took off his MP3 player and was just silently watching me. I could see him out of the corner of my eye, so I turned, and asked, as I had with his brother, "Do you wanna see?" "Sure", he responded. So we went through the same breakdown, and all he said was, "Ouch." I assure him that I was in no pain, and he was happy with this. He snuggled on my lap for a couple of minutes and then was off to torment his brother!
After about the first 45 minutes the boys were now feeling quite at home there in the chemotherapy room, and had become quite keen on the fact that I appeared to be attached to my recliner. They were able to navigate just out of reach of the few feet of tubing that I had when they wanted to pick at each other without getting grabbed and hushed by me. The boys are quite sharp! It wasn't until they decided to lay down on the floor and wrestle that they found out that the IV pump could be unplugged and the pole that I was attached to could then move to anywhere I pleased! As soon as I started towards them, they were on my lap apologizing. I guess they new that I was not going to be happy if I had to chase them down with my drugs trailing behind! They were correct in their assumption! I told them, "The more I have to unplug this the longer we are going to be here!" This was not true, it keeps pumping even when you are unplugged, but it was an effective 'fib', as they seemed to be as ready to get out of there as I was. It is hard for me to sit still and be quite for three hours, just imagine how hard it is for 5 and 8 year old brothers!
Finally, the pump started beeping, a familiar sound, which seems to sing out, "Let's get outta here!" The nurse came over right on cue, pulled out my needle slapped on a bandaid and sent us on out way!
Amen. All three of us...relatively unscathed.
What am I thankful for?! I am so very thankful that my children are healthy! I hope that everyone has a Happy and Healthy NEW YEAR! Happy 2008!

Treatment

I had treatment again this week. It went well. No surprises. I had Herceptin and Zometa, as I have been, my lab was drown and my blood counts are only a hair below normal, and I visited with the PA instead of my doctor, as he was out of the office. My MUGA scan indicated that my EF was up to 57%. It was at 50% 3 months ago, so that was good news. I asked that we see if I can get a PET scan the next time I have scans instead of the multiple CT scans. I haven't had a PET scan since June '06 and I have changed insurance companies, so hopefully they will approve it! She didn't see any reason why my doctor would disagree with the idea. I haven't really been having any new symptoms, so I felt no need to have scans before the holidays. If you rememeber, I had back surgery last Thanksgiving and a mastectomy last Christmas, and spent New Years Eve on the couch with drain tube while my husband and friends partied around me! This year I was looking to secure an uneventful holiday season! I have been having scans every 3 months since my heavy chemo ended, and with my last scans being in August, I will probably be getting them scheduled shortly...but not until after the new year! If I have cancer hiding in my big toe I do not want to know about it until after the New Years bashes are over! But, let me reiterate...I am having NO new symptoms, and I have no reason to be lieve that I have any new cancer anywhere!
So, the running. It has been going okay. I am running 4-5 miles a day, 3-5 times per week. My biggest issue seems to be my knees, not my back, so I guess my age is more to blame than my cancer for any difficulty that I am having. But, I am just stubborn enough to run through it. Lord help me if I don't run this half marathon in May! I will need some patience and understanding!
What am I thankful for?! All the wonderful people that I have met through the Relay that are asking me to come speak at their events! I have a few friends that are going through a lot with their cancers right now, or cancer in their family, and it hurts my heart so much. I told my husband just last night that I wished it was closer to the first of the year when the Relay starts to kick back into gear, because I was really needing to feel like I was doing something to Fight Back! I hate to feel helpless! I suppose you all know how that feels, as we all seemed to be touch by cancer in one way or another.
Later Gators!

Thanksgiving

If I have loved you and you have loved me back....THANK YOU!
If I have loved you and you have not loved me back....SHAME ON YOU.
If I have hurt you....PLEASE FORGIVE ME!
If you have hurt me....I FORGIVE YOU!

What am I thankful for?! my 2 sons, my husband, my parents, my sister and her family, my grandparents, my in-laws, my extended family, my friends and coworkers, my children's daycare and school teachers, my doctors and chemo nurses, my faith, survivors, Relay supporters, my friends who have passed on and I that they have taught me, my BLOG followers, the ACS staff and volunteers, the Heroes of Hope, my Lenny Kravitz CD, rainbows, dancing in the rain, the smell of rain, white sand beaches, holiday programs, breast cancer walks, brain cancer runs, the treadmill, my psychologist, ladybugs, e-mail and texting, flowers especially purple irises and lilacs, tacos, dancing anywhere and everywhere, my cherry red jeep aka happiness on wheels, Rascal Flatts, hugs, kisses, grilling out, compassion, red nail polish, forgiveness, diamonds, diet dr. pepper, the Big Bang Theory, Orange City, color stay make-up, cliff jumping, mechanical bull riding, monavie, back and foot rubs, Herceptin, Tuesdays with Morrie, Bruce Willis, jeans, my Asics, twizzlers, happy dreams, fuzzy socks, RV's, singing in the shower, my doggie, rodeos, HOPE, my MP3 player, watching grass grow, swimming pools, sticky notes, flip flops, music, christmas lights, pasties, courage, 5Ks, a warm home and a snuggy blanket on a dreary day, laughing till you cry, Target, weddings in Key West, Boston Legal, the Huskers no matter what, cheese dip, tatoos, smiles and winks, peanut butter Twix, pink ribbons, team PERSEVERANCE, dragonflies, the first snow of the year, bananas, turtles, George Strait, running, star gazing, guitars, Coors Light, babies, monkey jammies...life is good!
HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A VERY HAPPY THANKSGIVING, AND TAKE THE TIME TO COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS!

What is a BLOG!?

Wow, I haven't been here forever! Sorry about that! I don't even know where to begin!~
I started running again, so that I could run a 5k in KC in memory of a friend of mine. It was called Head for a Cure and benefits supportive resources and treatment for individuals with brain cancer and their families! I think my friend was helping me along from above, because I ran the whole 3.1 miles, and in training (I say training, but is 2 weeks of jogging taining?) I had never gotten further than 2 miles without walking! Bless her!!! (and her family each and every day!)
Then I did the Komen 5k for Breast cancer in Omaha. That was a little harder because of that fantastic hill right at the end!!! Ugh! Why can't they make the end down hill when you really need it?! I ran that with a friend of mine..it was her first race, and she did AWESOME! I am so proud of her, and so happy that she has the running bug! Speaking of running bugs, I have yet another friend who is running the NY marathon this weekend!!!! Talk about strength and endurance! She is so amazing! I am in awe of her abilities, and will be sending her good vibes this weekend.
Then what? Oh, Relay Summit in Dallas! I went there for my "hope thing"! I was totally unprepared for the range of emotions and the energy that was generated there! It was incredible! There was about 1400 people there, I think. That is a lot of people when all gathered into one room. I was able to complete all my agenda items, but I must say that there were a lot of ups and downs. The mock ceremonies moved me from excited and motivated to sad and crying. And then there was the breakout session with the PR people from the Amer. Cancer Society that scared the crap out of me (but gave me a lot of good information that I can take with me)!!! I was emotionally all over the board in just a few short days! I am so glad that I had the opportunity to attend, and I am blessed to be able to be a part of the ACS and am able to help them get their message out!
This weekend I will be telling my cancer story as well as my ACS and Relay stories at the NE Relay Summit as a part of "my hope thing"! I am hoping to get people motivated for Relay, as Relay never really ends (I am learning that quickly!), and we will begin our fundraising efforts again soon! The Dallas Relay Summit has brought about several speaking opportunities for me, and I am anxious to get started.
On a sad note, I have a friend that is being tested to the max right now. She is about my age with 3 young children and has been battling breast cancer since she was 27 years old. Most recently she has had a tough bout with metastatic disease in her bones and brain. She has just had her 2nd brain surgery and is going to do gamma knife radiation to her brain this next week. She also has a broken arm due to cancer in her bone, and her other side is weak due to the brain mets. Through all of this, she has been the most amazing woman, with a strong faith, and more courage than you can imagine! They are having a benefit for her on Monday, November 12th. I will not be able to go, as she lives about 4 hours away, but I do plan to send a check. They are raising money to help her family pay for medical bills and get into a handicap accessible home! If anyone out there wants to throw a check in with mine, let me know as soon as possible. I am sure her family would be eternally grateful!
What am I thankful for?! Each day that I wake up with the ability to go out and experience the world and try to make a difference in the only ways I know how! I am thankful for little boys that are so resilient and for a husband who helps us all keep it together (or at least tries to)! I am also thankful for days spent laying on the beach...even if it was with just one boob!!! Trust me! It was an experience. I put a temporary tatoo over my mastectomy scar that was a pink ribbon and said survivor and a pasty on the "good" side! See, I am even spreading breast cancer awareness while on vacation...and, I didn't even have to say a word! Makes for some interesting vacation photos! Probably won't put those out on the coffee table! Oh hell...I probably will! I may have one boob, but I am alive!!! I am thankful to be alive!

Relay 2007 Wrap up

Celebrate. Remember. Fight Back!

This blog is the best way to reach as many of the people that supported team Perseverance as possible, therefore, I am going to use this as my main method to THANK YOU ALL for your monetary (or otherwise) support of Team Perseverance!!!

Tonight we had our team captain Relay 2007 Wrap-up. I get to attend these meetings and events as a representative of all of you who are so much a part of our team, whether it be as a team member raising funds and walking all night long, a donor who donates your hard earned money because you believe in what we do, or simply as a much needed cheerleader who provides emotional support or word of mouth advertisement of our mission!

At tonight's wrap-up party we were told that this years Haymarket Park RFL raised $340,600+ dollars towards research, advocacy, education and services! This is amazing and proves that the power of friendship, compassion, and community CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE!

Team Perseverance raised $21,652.40 of that amount!!!!! We hit and once gain SURPASSED the goal we set for ourselves!

I was presented with the one and only DIAMOND LEVEL FUNDRAISING SIGN of the night, and received a standing ovation...this is so humbling, as I know the credit belongs out there with all of you, and I appreciate all that you do to get Team Perseverance to where it is, which is leading the way to finding a CURE for this deadly disease!

The ACS funds more than $120 MILLION in cancer research a year! And has funded 3 BILLION dollars of cancer research since 1946, so you can see what a huge impact we are making! This does not even touch on the advocacy, education and services that they provide to cancer patients and their families! If it was not for the advancements in cancer treatments over the last even just 10 years, I would not be here 2 1/2 years following a diagnosis of advanced breast cancer. I owe my life to this valuable organization, and I hope that you all, with your own personal reasons for supporting the ACS's RFL will understand my gratitude and will also consider supporting us again next year!

Hope, Love, and Respect,

Tracy

What am I thankful for?! All the wonderful people that I was able to represent tonight!

Other stuff

My doctor looked at my MUGA results and decided that I should have an ECHO done to check out my heart a little further. So, I did that last week and have heard nothing with regards to how it turned out. No news is almost always good news! Treatment was pretty uneventful. I met a woman that was just starting her treatment. She was great, and we had a very nice talk. I appreciate all the moments that I get with other cancer patients...we learn from each other and draw strength with each others support.
I was in Dallas this past weekend for a training session in order to do my 'hope thing'! It was a great time! I wasn't there very long, but I met some very amazing and passionate people.
What am I thankful for?! My Relay family!

Blog #100

Well, it seems that on the day of my 100th BLOG I had a prayer answered!

When I found out that I not only had cancer but that it was an aggresive type and it had spread to my liver and possibly my bones, I sat down on the floor and tried to remember anything I could from when I was 2 and 5 years old. I came up with next to nothing...a few things that I am sure I remember not from the actual event but from the photos I have seen through the years. That day, the day they told me I had METASTATIC breast cancer, my kids were only 2 and 5 years old. If I died in the next year would they even remember me outside of the photos we take? I was guessing probably not. I prayed that night that God please let me live long enough to get my baby into school. He was little, I was certain he needed a mommy. And, then my oldest son would be 8 and would have memories that he could share about me....and more time....we all needed more time!
TODAY, my prayer was answered. I took my little precious baby to school and his big brother too! This is a day that was sent to me from the Heavens, and I am so grateful!
The boys had great days at school, and we all went to dinner this evening to celebrate, and then ran back to our cars in the POURING rain! Life when it is hard...is VERY hard, but when it is good....it is VERY good! Today was a VERY GOOD day!
What am I thankful for?! The 1st day of school, all the pictures that we have to capture our everyday moments and those special moments you never want to forget, friends that are willing to look at all your pictures I took of the first day of school (I took a picture every 10 feet from when the kids got up to when they sat down in their classrooms), and kisses.

No tears here!

Okay, from what I have gathered from the teary e-mails I have gotten from people, my last e-mail does not adequately express the humor and joy that is in my life...the everyday oddities that are what we are all about. We don't just talk about dying here! Geesh.

Boobs:
Forgive me, but this story is going to be about boobs(if the title didn't tip you off), so if that weirds you out, you can stop reading now....
So I am going to make this fairly elementary. I have one boob, and a few prosthetic boobs that I switch out on the other side. I have the swim boob(pretty self explanitory), there is the fancy going out boob (for cute little outfits), and the cotton fill boob (which would be the boob equivalent of the granny panty). So often times when we are home (without guests) I have a tendency to go uniboober and the prosthetic boobs get left lying around. My oldest son could walk past one all day and not even notice it, but my youngest son can not walk past one without giving it a little squeeze! (I know, there are guys high-fiving all over right now) So...the other day my youngest son picked one up, held it to his chest and danced around singing "I have a boobie, I have a boobie!" That is when my oldest son decided to chime in and grabbed one out of my closet and put it to his chest and said, "Look mom! Now we all have one boob!!!" ~Those are team players!

Rain:
The other day in the middle of a down pour I danced in the rain with a friend! Everyone should try that sometime...it was VERY good for the soul! And...everyone should have the kind of friends that are willing to do it with you without batting an eye! Luckily I have several of those kinds of friends. I am forever blessed.

What am I thankful for?! Rain and the love and humor that my children provide me with daily!

No longer the kid at the back of the class

So, this whole cancer thing has really changed my perspective on things. I used to be so nervous talking in class that when I was in college I signed up for classes that I knew would have 100+ students in them! And...sadly the communications prerequisite to grad school really held me back. I was terrified to get up and talk in front of a class full of students. I guess having cancer has made me realize what things you should be scared of and what things just aren't worth worrying about. In the last year I have been to 3 cancer related funerals, and I feel somewhat desperate to get the word out and to get people motivated to help find a cure...for any and all types of cancer!
This years relay proved to be a huge success with our team raising somewhere near $21000! That is so AWESOME! The power of community and friendship! It was a little out of my comfort zone though, as I spoke at the event and for TV, radio, and newspaper interviews! I guess I am going to use my misfortune for good...to try and help others.
My oldest son is not so sure about all of this. I think the relay and all the publicity surrounding it has been hard on him and has gotten him thinking about all of this. The other night he came down from his room crying because he couldn't sleep. He was thinking about my cancer. So, I put him in bed with me, and we snuggled. After some silence, I thought he was asleep, but no he was just thinking. After a couple of minutes passed, her said "Mom, why did God have to give you cancer?" I was honest, I don't know why God gave me cancer. I said "Maybe God knew that if I got cancer I would do everything I could to help other people with cancer, and maybe if I didn't have cancer I wouldn't do that." He replied "But you are the nicest person I know, you would help people anyway." What do you say to that? It broke my heart. I just told him that sometime things happen to us, and we don't know why they are happening at the time, but later in life it might make more sense to us. He was not happy with that answer, but that is really all I had to give.
I had my scans last week. I had CT's of my chest, abdomen and pelvis, and a MUGA scan to check my heart. The only cancer they can see at this time is in my one rib. So, everything is still stable on that front! PERFECT!
The MUGA scan showed that my EF has dropped another 10%. It has now dropped 27% in the last 6 months, but it is still at a functioning level. It is at 50%. If it gets down to < 40% we will have to take a look at the big picture and decide what needs to be done differently.
All is good, I can still ride the mechanical bull in Cheyenne without hurting myself! ....not for 8 seconds though, but come on now, I couldn't have done that 10 years ago either!
What am I thankful for?! Days at the pool, snuggling my boys, and my hubby! Happy 12th Anniversary, Honey!

Did I forget a health update?

I had lab and chemo last week. It was uneventful. I have been having nearly daily headaches, so they did an MRI of my brain, which came out cancer free! Thank goodness! The doc thinks that I am having muscle tension headaches from the back problems that I have as a result of the radiation and compression fracture in my spine. Which is what I thought was probably happening. He gave me some muscle relaxers and told me to take Advil. It is working out pretty good. So, on the medical front, things are going WELL!
What else am I thankful for?! Good MRI results!

Crazy Summer Months

Where do I begin?!
On a personal level, we have been busy with coach pitch baseball for Skye and tee ball for Laken. Both of the boys are doing great! Tee ball is fun to watch because the kids look so little! Half are chasing butterflys and the other half are making dirt castles in the field! Coach pitch is fun, because the boys are really starting to understand the game, and are getting into it! We also spent a week in Key West for my sisters wedding! It was the first time that the kids had been to the beach or snorkeled! It was a great time! I also got to go parasailing with my dad and with Dan, so that was a good time! We saw two HUGE sea turtles and a dolphin! It is pretty layed back there, and that is exactly what I was needing.
On a volunteer level, I received an award through my office for volunteerism, and got to take a little road trip to KC to meet the Regional Commissioner. I have also been chosen as the 2007-2008 Hero of Hope for the American Cancer Society. I affectionately refer to the honor as "my hope thing", because I think the word "Hero" is a little strong and don't feel comfortable in any sense referring to myself as one. I think I do what I do to keep myself grounded and busy, I am not sure that is a Hero thing, but if I can use this opportunity to talk to others who feel down about their cancer, help the ACS who has helped me, and help find a cure to this disease, I will do it! I will be in Dallas in August for my training, and again in October for my recognition and whatnot. I say whatnot, because I don't really know what this trip all entails! Probably a good thing! As far as the Relay goes, we have done a benefit concert, a golf outing and a 7 K run, with all the benefits going to the Relay. It has been a lot of fun, but also has been a lot of work, and taxing on my friends! I can't even begin to tell you how much time, energy, and funding has been donated by my friends. It is unbelievable how supportive they have been, and there is no way I will ever be able to repay them for all they have done. I hope they know how much this means to me, and how many people they are helping! It is not all about me, everyone is affected by cancer, whether they themselves have heard the works "You have cancer" or they have a friend or family member with cancer or who has died from cancer, all these people are helped.
What am I thankful for?! Quiet moments by the beach, the support of friends, summers filled with baseball games, and unconditional love.

Too much!

There has been too much to do lately, and not enough time to BLOG about it. My last very short blog was from the day that many of us lost a friend to cancer. She was young, with small children, a loving husband, and a wonder family, and it is just not fair! I have gone over it in my head a million times, and I just don't get it.
The day after the funeral I flew to Austin Tx to do a taping for the American Cancer Society(ACS). I was very nervous, but I drew from my anger towards cancer and the loving memories of the two friends I have lost to cancer in the last year, and did best the I could! I hope that all my fundraising and support for the ACS brings hope and life to others!
Now in the next 2 months I hope to raise about $16,000 dollars to reach my goal of $20,000! Thanks to those of you who have already supported the ACS through our Relay for Life team, and if you haven't yet, but you would like to, go to www.acsevents.org/lincolnne and click on my name in the top right corner and make a donation! We all know someone who is fighting cancer or has lost their life to cancer...please help us find a cure!
What am I thankful for?! Memorial Day weekend and all the love and memories that come with it, lawnchairs in the driveway, children laughing, and rest.

Be thankful for the time you have....

What am I thankful for?!
....the power of love and family....

More treatment and more test results

This week I had a MUGA scan and treatment. Treatment was uneventful as always. I am anemic, so I have some new fun vitamins to take! Unfortunately my MUGA scan showed that my heart function has dropped by 17%, and my ejection fraction (EF) is only 60%. This isn't necessary a bad EF, but when coupled with my situation it is, because if my EF drops to 55% then they will take me off of the Herceptin. Herceptin, while it has none of the typical chemo side effects, like losing your hair and throwing up, it does threaten to harm your heart. But, I am sure it will go back up...I mean, I have Angels and all and I just ran a 10k last weekend!!!! If my EF doesn't go back up then they will probably give me a little break from treatment to build up my system a little, and the new drug Tykerb is now out. It is taken in combination with Xeloda, and is very promising for those of us with metastatic breast cancer. I actually know 2 people that just started it, so hopefully it will do the job! They are in my thoughts always!

So about that 10k! Wow, that was hard(and WINDY), but it was not nearly as hard as some of the things that are going on with others right now! The pain was GOOD pain and I am SO THANKFUL that I was able to run! As inspiration to keep me running when I didn't think I could, I borrowed a permanent marked from the track trailer and wrote "Jeff" on the back of one hand. He will ALWAYS be my running partner, and although he is no longer here physically I know he is with me when I run, if only in spirit. Only the other hand, I wrote the name of a friend...may God be with her and her family. I think about them several times a day, and they are in my heart always! I guess some things are just not meant to be understood.

On a happier note, when I was 1st diagnosed with cancer, I didn't think that I would be here to see my youngest son go to kindergarten, as he was only 2 years old at the time, but yesterday I got to take him to Kindergarten Visitation!!!! Chalk that up as one of the happiest moments in my life!

What am I thankful for?! Arbor day (yep, I have the day off!), Kindergarten, running partners who are my strength daily even though they don't know it, the journals I have started for my children (I have been meaning to do that for so long), and the rain.

Test Results

Quick update.
I am not very inspired to blog right now.
CANCER SUCKS...and I just feel too angry right now to deal with it.
Miraculously, I am doing well, so my anger and sadness isn't directed at my disease this time.
I had CT scans of my chest, abdomen, and pelvis, and while I still have cancer in a rib and a vertebra, it is not progressing, and that is great for me and my family.
Unfortunately, not everyone who has dealt with cancer in the past or is dealing with cancer right now, always gets the same good results I have gotten this week.
I am so lucky, and I know that...and, deep down I count my blessings, but I also feel guilty. I feel guilty that I am doing so well when I have peers who are not.
There was also a time (despite my true happiness for them and their families) I have felt jealous of those who have been "cured". I feel guilty having those kinds of feelings, but I guess that might be part of what makes me human.
Dealing with cancer is such an up and down experience, and I am learning how to appreciate what I have in my life each and every day.
What am I thankful for?! I am thankful for good scans, a loving family, and the strength and courage of my cancer diagnosed peers who have fought or are fighting tough battles....you are my HEROS.
GOD, please be with those who are are having harder times than I!

Anniversay

Two Years and Still Surviving!!!! It is a beautiful day!
Hope and Love!
Tracy

Relay for Life Event Advertisement

Okay, I am going to attempt this public speaking thing again. And because I want your Relay money, I am going to post the info about the event! If you come, expect the play to be good, and my part to be a little shakey! I am very nervous, but it is my story, and I think people should know that cancer can happen to anyone. Breast cancer doesn't just happen after your kids are all grown up!

"One Act play to focus on Breast Cancer Survivorship and also Tracy Harnly is going to tell her story. She is a breast cancer survivor and a team captain for the Relay For Life team "Perseverance".

One's Company, with actress Pippa White, will be performing L.B. 4:15 at7:00pm on Friday, March 16th, at the Lincoln Women's Club at 407 South 14th Street. The show is sponsored by Kastens Counseling & Resource Center and the Doane College Lincoln Campus as a fundraising effort to benefit the 2007 Lancaster County Haymarket Park Relay For Life.

L.B. 4:15 is a performance that concentrates on the 1993 Breast Cancer diagnosis of Sylvia Roba. "In the beginning," she said, "I wrote to save myself from despair." What she wrote was a one-act play. Surprising, provocative, and even funny.(L.B. 4:15 stands for Left Breast, 4:15pm. Sylvia felt that at times shewas no longer "Sylvia" but had been reduced to the location of her cancerand her appointment time.)

Admission to the one-act play will be $5 with 100% of the proceeds going to the Relay For Life. Dessert will be provided. There will be various items for sale at the fundraiser.

For questions, or to purchase advanced tickets,please contact Brenda Kastens at 402-540-4772 or at kastenscounseling@alltel.net. On street parking is available on 14th street. The Cornhusker Parking Garage is 1/2 block walking distance from the location."

What am I thankful for?! I am thankful that Brenda has the confidence in my ability to do this, and for giving me this opportunity to face my fear of public speaking for all the right reasons.

Keepin on...

Well, in what was found to be a very odd grouping of blog followers, it seems that people are still reading, so I am going to keep on blogging. Running report....not going so well. It hurts, and not the good kind of hurts. It has been bothering my back quite a bit, and I haven't even made it over 2 miles yet! So, I had to take a break. My rib has also been bothering me, but only if I sit for long periods of time, or if I lay on my right side at night, which I might add is how I sleep. Of course it is!!! So I have been waking up quite a bit at night.
What seems to be pushing me over the edge right now is a stupid cold! I can handle the cancer treatments, but the common cold....CAN'T THEY CURE THAT YET!!!? On top of all my other medications it is really wearing me out, and I HATE to be tired, there is just too much stuff to be done, and too much fun to be had!
I had treatment today, which was fairly uneventful physically, but being me, I had to make new friends, and when you are making new friends at a cancer center, it can be pretty emotional. I met a woman who has breast cancer that has spread to her colon, lungs, abdomen, brain, and basically all of her bones! When she first entered the hospital in 2002, they told her she had about two weeks to live. She has been in chemotherapy every Thursday since then, and she is still going! At one point the cancer had replaced so much bone that she had to get blood transfusions because she did not have enough healthy bone marrow to make new blood cells! Her current chemo is helping kill some of the cancer in her bones, and she is now making enough blood cells to maintain her body. She just went to Italy on vacation last year, and will be going to Greece in May! She is a fighter! Her sister is also fighting breast cancer, and her mother has since passed away from breast cancer. She will forever be in my thoughts and prayers!
I also met a man who has been diagnosed with lung cancer (not a smoker or a regular second hand smoker). His cancer had spread to his lymphnodes, and thoracic area. He has been through 4 chemo treatments and only has one small spot in his lung left. He is doing fantastic! We spent an hour talking about holistic treatments, nutrition, chemo treatments, and the fun of medication side effects! He is just starting a cancer study, to promote advances in lung cancer treatment. Awesome!
Now, I am off to a Relay for Life meeting! My personal fundraising totals just dropped from second to third place, but my team as a whole is in first place! Thanks to those of you that have already donated!
What am I thankful for?!?! People who share their stories and their lives with me, the beautiful pictures that my kids color for me, my husband who made my green tea this morning and stayed up and talked to me at 4am when I was stressed and crying, and for the Goehner Spaghetti Feed! That is good stuff!!!

Hello! Anyone out there?!

Well, you all get to hear about me, but I don't know who you are! Drop me a comment if you want me to keep blogging! Does anyone read this anymore?!

Well, since I last blogged, I haven't really had too much going on. I have a little lymphedema under my arm, but not enough to require draining. I have had a bunch of lab done for the doctor in NY that is going to help me with my nutrition and supplements. My cholesterol is great at 144, so heart disease is not gonna kill me! And, my cancer markers were in the "normal" range. Which I think is a good sign! Can't be a bad one! My white and red blood cell counts were a little low, as were my platelets, but that has been pretty typical since been in treatment. I started a Breast Cancer Survivors class a few weeks ago. It meets 2 times per week, and last a couple hours. We discuss health issues for the first hour and workout for the second hour. I am back to running. I do a couple miles at a time right now, and the rest of the time I work on strengthening and stretching. My chest and arm are still pretty tight since my surgery, so I am working on that. We have some pretty interesting guest speakers and I am learning more than I thought I would...kinda nice to have some of my feelings validated, as well.
What am I thankful for!? Indoor playgrounds during the winter time, State Holidays, and being part of a group that understands some of what I am going through!

Breast issues

Do you think it is unhealthy to hide under the covers and eat big macs all day?! I thought so too!!! That is why I scheduled an appointment with a psychologist! Because, along with my long list of issues I had been perfecting for years, once the surgeon removed my surgical drains, the breast issues began! (If you think of breasts as a private issue you can stop reading right now, because as you know, not much in this whole ordeal of mine has been kept private!)
As soon as the drains came out, my body did a remarkable thing (which is not all that unusual... they tell me). My body began to create a pocket of fluid, kind of like a new boob, HOWEVER, the swelling was not out the front like I would have hoped, it was under arm...like a 'side boob'! So, not only did I have the boob I was born with, but I was wearing a foam boob where my killer boob had been, and I was carrying around a spare under my arm! Three boobs?!? What kind of sick joke is that?
I went back to the surgeon twice in two weeks to have that drained, but things seem to be fine now...and by fine, I mean that I am no longer the 3 boobed side show that I was. That does not mean I am not a side show of another kind!
Let me tell you a little something about the post mastectomy foam insert that one puts into the very sexy post mastectomy sports bra while recovering. You can tell time by it!! Oh yes, I am going to explain. Foam compresses over time. In the morning I put my ever so perky foam 'boob' into my bra. At this time of the day, I hate to admit it, but the foam boob is somewhat larger than my god given one. But not to fear, as the day goes on, the foam gets compressed. SO, if I am looking a little bigger on the right(the foam side) it is before noon, if my boobs look fairly 'normal' or equal then it must be around lunch time, and if I am bigger on the left, call it a day!
I can laugh at all this now, but it has been a long month, learning how to dress and where to draw my self-esteem from. Obviously, if you have seen me, my breasts are not a LARGE part of who I am, but a part of me none the less.
What am I doing now? I am back at work, this is my third week, I am going to basketball games, I am taking care of my family, I am putting together my relay for life team, and I am seeing a psychologist!
If you want to help in the fight against cancer, please go to my website by clicking on the link below and make a donation to the Relay for Life. There is a picture of me and my kids on the site, and you can track my teams progress! We are hoping to raise $20,000 dollars! And while I like to compete agaist the other teams for top dollars, the truth is that I am scared, and raising money for research gives me hope that a cure will be found. Come on, donate a few bucks! I told you about my boobs!!
https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=191481&supId=84415485
What am I thankful for??! Getting to seeing a full moon against the backdrop of dawn, having one 'good' boob, and being alive... (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HONEY! I LOVE YOU!)

Final Follow up with the Surgeon

I had my last scheduled follow up with the surgeon today. I got my last drain out, and am on my way to healing up completely. I think after a little physical therapy, I will be good to go!
What am I thankful for?! Our fireplace! It is COLD out there!!

Follow up appointment

I went in Friday for a follow up appointment with the surgeon. He took out my staples, and one of my drains. I am still draining too much fluid to take the other one out. But he said that one will come out this Friday, no matter how much I beg to keep it! HA!
The surgeon said that the path report came back showing the cancerous breast tumors were removed completely and of the seven lymphnodes that were removed, NONE of them had cancer in them. He felt that this was AMAZING! So, I am probably not going to have to do radiation or any additional chemotherapy at this time. That is fantastic, but I don't find out for sure until I see my oncologist next Thursday.
I went shopping for a temporary boob...found it at Jim's Home Healthcare! I have a lot of jokes about that, but the self-esteem can't handle them right now, we will get back to those at a later date!
Not much else happening right now. I am trying to heal, and take care of a kid with strep throat. Always something!
What am I thankful for?! A funny and romantic episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Webkins (which keeps my sick kid busy), and 55 degree days in January!

"Mommy's gonna have one boob, Mommy's gonna..."

The evening two days before my surgery, we sat the boys down and explained to them in the simplest terms possible, what was going on. My oldest son plugged his years and said "I can't hear you!", and then began repeating "nah, nah, nah, nah, nah" over and over again in an effort to not hear what we were trying to tell him. On the other hand, in the land of innocence and nievity, my youngest son bounced on and off the couch giggling about mommy's soon-to-be one boobed chest! One might find this disheartening, but the giggling finally brought my oldest one around, and he listened to us until we came to a level of understanding we could all deal with and he ultimately began to laugh as well.

The day before my surgery, I spent all day with the kids, just them and I. We went out to breakfast, we went shopping, we snuggled on the couch, and we ended the day at Chuckie Cheese for their friends birthday party! There was something about those parking lots though, that made my youngest feel the need to yell out "Hey, remember Mom is gonna have one boob tomorrow! HA HA HA HA"- as they both then fell out laughing! One thing I know is that laughing helps heal wounds, lightens hearts, and just makes you feel good, so I smiled and listened to them sing the One Boob song in the car, and we all laughed and dealt with our fears in the only way we knew how.

On the day of my surgery I went to the hospital with my husband, mom, and dad in tow. I put on the gown and stockings and awaited the man with the good drugs. The next thing I remember was being in my recovery room trying to type a text message with only one eye open, with two eyes open I was still seeing double!

The day after my surgery I ate sushi for lunch and was discharged around 2pm. I was happy to be home and to get into some real clothes.

Things have been going well since I have been home. My pain is fairly minimal, I am working on the range of motion in my arm, and the drainage tubes are manageable. I can look at myself with my bandages on, but am not yet able to look at myself without them. The mirror in our room came down and the bathroom mirrors are temporarily covered. Dan helps me with everything that requires bandage removal. I shower with assistance and my eyes closed. It seems silly, but I am going to have to take some baby steps here. The staples across my chest look like the battery pack zippers in the backs of talking stuffed animals. In my case, instead of taking out the batteries, we took out my breast.

What am I thankful for?! The support and help that we have received during this emotionally difficult time, heart shaped diamonds, and fleece blankies!

Boobs

Boobs....apparently despite the fact that they really only function long enough to feed an infant, they remain so very important long after the feeding function has worn out. In social conversations, boobs come into the conversation at an astounding rate..."can I touch your boobs?", "wow, look at your boobs, what kind of bra is that?", "did you see the fake boobs on that chick, those couldn't be real", which all just usually leads to "I wanna get a pair of those".
But, despite all that...I have decided to have one of mine cut right off! While many people are in love with boobs, mine are trying to kill me! Next thursday (right before New Years), I am going to have a mastecomy and removal of my lymphnodes on the right side. The evil boob must go! I am not going to have reconstruction done, so I am soon to be trading in the name princess for the uniboober! My hubby affectionaltely has been trying out the nickname "Princess Oob"(....I kinda like it!)
What am I thankful for?!
Good surgeons with a sense of humor, and friends that laugh rather than cry when I call myself the "soon to be Uniboober"! Do you think they make those triangle bikini tops with just one triangle?! Merry Christmas Eve to you Christmas types, and Happy Holidays to all you other wonderful souls! Lets get the eggnog out!

Short delay...

My surgeon got called into an emergency surgery, so my consult will not be until tomorrow(Friday).
What am I thankful for?! My job.

The picture is coming together

It seems that each day for the last week and a half I have been given a small puzzle piece of information that will some day become a plan...
Today I met with the oncologist. He reviewed my scans with me. They still aren't seeing the spots that were in my liver, which is amazing, and the only cancer that they could see was in my breast, one rib, and in my spine, at the previous location. None of the spots (except the tumors in my breast) had grown, so the Herceptin, Zometa and Tamoxifen are apparently controlling them. My oncologist thought the most logical next step would be to have surgery to remove the breast. I agree.
I am scheduled to see the surgeon on Thursday, and at that time, I will get another piece of the puzzle and I will be that much closer to having a plan!
What am I thankful for?! Sushi, Angels that come in the night, and christmas pictures in the mail.

Needing a Plan

Cancer doesn't care that it is Christmas Time!
I have been having problems with my breast, so I went in for a mammogram. The mammogram showed new cancer in my breast. I had all my scans again to see if the cancer was progressing everywhere or just in my breast. My oncologist said I had a few options: If the cancer is progessing everywhere, I would need to go back into chemo. If the cancer is only progressing in my breast, then I have 2 options. I can either go back into chemo -or- I can have a mastectomy and radiation. He did indicate that he would suggest the mastectomy and radiation so that we can save the chemo for down the line.
The scans came back good!!! The rest of my cancer is stable. So, right now I wait til my Tuesday appointment with my oncologist. My husband and I will make a decision at that time on how we are going to proceed.
I just need a plan!
What am I thankful for?! Hats, christmas shopping on the internet, and text messaging!

Treatment and Training

I had treatment this week. Another uneventful trip up to Omaha, though it was only 9 degrees! Just keep asking myself why I don't live somewhere warm! My blood counts were all a little low, as was my Glucose and my blood pressure, but nothing too worrisome. No treatment needed.
My back is doing great! I got my gym membership renewed, FINALLY, and did 5 miles on the treadmill on Friday. Life is good! Here is hoping that things can stay quiet enough this time that not only can I train for the 1/2 marathon, but I can also RUN it!!! Last year was so disappointing, I would hate to go through that again!
What am I thankful for?!
60 degree days in December, twinkling Christmas lights, and ...

Let it be over

My back is fine now! Thanks for all the support! Now, on to holiday shopping, Christmas plays, and holiday parties...have at it!
What am I thankful for?!
Sunny Days.

QUICK update

The "Princess" is recovering! Doing better every day!
Thankful for?!
Moments of clarity.
ps- That is the last of the "princess" comments!

Princess

I had my surgery yesterday to fix my spine, and hopefully get back on the running trails!
I went in in the morning with Dan, my mom and my dad. They checked me in and proceeded to check my name and birthday a million times, I think they were waiting for me to mess up, but I tell you, I stayed strong and got it right every time!
The surgery before me got cancelled, so they rushed me into my backless gown and thigh high compression socks! Sexy! They asked me one final time if my name was Tracy and if I go by that. I said "Yes, that or Princess", so the last thing I remember before being wheeled off to surgery was, "Let's go, Princess!" HAHAHA! I am telling you, you might not find that as funny as I do, but no one calls me princess and definately not in the state I was in...hair falling out of my ponytail, no makeup, and my ass hanging out of a hospital gown big enough for 6 of me!
But, the surgery went well! He kept all the cement where it was supposed to be and most importantly out of my spinal canal, and really, what more can a girl ask for?!
The cement has now dried and I am recovering. It is a little more painful than I expected it to be, but I got a new pair of running shoes as a recovery gift from my sister and parents, and I am keeping my eye on the prize! I am going to run that half marathon if it kills me! (I mean that figuratively, not literally, so calm down!)
What am I thankful for?!
My doggy who has kept me good company all day.

Whirl Wind couple of weeks!

Since last BLOGed, I gathered with about 50 of my closest friends and did the American Cancer Societies "Making Strides" against breast cancer walk! It was cold, but they all came out in their pink shirts, hats, scarves, glasses, wigs, and pink ribbons to support me and breast cancer research! As I looked around at them, I knew that spending the better part of a Sunday walking around a lake in the wind and cold, some carrying children and some pushing strollers, couldn't be how they wanted to spend their day! But, they did it with smiles on their faces, and never complained! I have the most amazing support group and I am thankful for them every day! The event raised approximately $120,000 towards research for the prevention and hopefully a cure to breast cancer!
I am scheduled to see a neurosurgeon on this coming monday to look at repairing my spine. The 20% compression fracture that I had in my spine after they treated my cancer (in April of this year) with radiation has increased to 60%. Unfortunately, that means that until I meet with the neurosurgeon there will be no more running for me. There is a procedure that they can do, called a vertebroplasty, which may releive my pain and allow me to run again! It consists of filling the vertebra with a cement type substance. This increases the height of the vertebra and also stops the compression from getting worse.
In the meantime, in an effort to be the best mom ever, I took my kids to Disney World, and we rode every ride!!! It was magical... and at times stressful, but I wouldn't change the memories for the world! HOWEVER, if you are considering taking a 4 year old, schedule in some nap time!!!!!!! That is all I am going to say about that!
Before we left for Disney I got to meet Paul, John, and Preston (and Tracy, for a second) from Extreme Home Makeover. My friend Teresa swung that one! I was so excited because I watch the show all the time, and I think what they do for families is amazing. I wanted to tell them what an amazing thing it is that they are doing for people in crisis, and have it come from the heart and from someone that was not directly benefiting from their work. They were GREAT, and even let me bring the kids back! While they were filming a walk thru of the house Paul talked to Skye in the Production trailer. Skye thought that was awesome! Paul and John loaded the kids up with CANDY and signed shirts for them! They were SO great to the kids and I! It was a great experience, and the kids, who already loved the show before, find it even that much more exciting now that they have met Paul and John. They met Preston for a second, but he had a headache! =) It is tough being a star!!!
What am I thankful for!?
Friends and family decked out in pink, ABC's Extreme Home Makeover, new friends, Mickey Mouse, BIG rollercoasters, Limos, and the the priceless looks on my little boys faces when we met the Power Rangers at Disney!

Just an ordinary day!?

Wednesday morning I got up at 4:45am. I showered. I put on my makeup, including lipstick. I took out my earrings and my belly button piercing. I put on jog pants, a sweatshirt, and tennis shoes. I made one final once over in the mirror to insure I had no metal on, then I drove to the hospital in the rain.
Once at the hospital I was signed in, strapped to an MRI table, blindfolded, (starting to sound kinky?), and slid into a tube. I spent the next 90 minutes listening to the soothing sounds of the MRI machine, which can only be compared to having a jackhammer by your head, with an occasional soft voice saying "ok, how you doing? This next picture will take about two minutes.".
After the MRI's of my spine, I moved out into the hallway where I sat for the next 60 minutes savoring the nourishment of barium contrast ...the breakfast of champions! When my 60 minutes were up I was ushered into another room where I got one last shot glass full of contrast and was slid back into modern technology...."take a deep breath, now hold it, 16, 15, 14....3, 2, 1, and breath". We did this about 8 times, and they sent me on my way.
I was right on schedule to be about 20 minutes late for the annual Breast Cancer Survivors luncheon (which I am thinking has got to be a lot more lively than the Breast Cancer Non-Survivors luncheon!). I was not too shaken when about 3/4th of the way there my gas light came on, but when I hit that parked car in the parking garage, I was starting to get a little pissed at how this day was going, and it wasn't even noon yet. So, I tore off a piece of an envelope lying on the floor and scrawled down my name, number, and plates and "I hit your car." I put it under their windsheild wiper and ran in to my second hospital of the day, because I am a survivor, damn it!
At the survivors luncheon I sat with 2 friends and 5 strangers and listened to a woman talk about her breast cancer experience. It is so weird to hear someone talk about their breast cancer experience, because some parts, like how horrible it is to have to tell your parents that you have cancer, are so much the same, and other parts are so very different. Like the fact that I never lost my hair or a breast. These were fears of mine in the beginning, but never happened to me as it has for most other women with breast cancer. It is strange to be in a room full of people who you should feel a strong connection to and still feel so very alone. But, I guess everyone's experience is different, as different as our personalities.
Finally, after the luncheon, it was time to wait for the phone to ring. My friends and I headed back to watch TV and....wait.
It was the PA that called. I could tell by the sound of her voice that she was smiling. She actually laughed a little as she spoke. She said that all my scans showed that my cancer was stable, and some areas even showed improvement!
WHAT A RELIEF!
I cried.
I laughed.
I thanked God.
I cried.
I napped.
I went out to eat.
I threw up.
I cried.
I hugged my kids.
I kissed my husband.
I went to bed.
What am I thankful for?! I am thankful that there was no little old man waiting outside the hospital to beat me with his cane for hitting his car in the parking garage. I am thankful that I didn't run out of gas. I am thankful for the woman that was brave enough to share her breast cancer story. I am thankful for my friends and family, and I am thankful for the two most precious little boys in the world. They are my heart and my strength!

Still no news.

No news yet on my appeal to my insurance company to get my PET scan. If they deny my PET on appeals then I will have to decide if I want to wait and try to get my secondary insurance to approve it, or if I just want to go ahead with CT scans and MRIs instead. Should hear back from my insurance company on Monday.
What am I thankful for?!
Husker wins and pink M&Ms!

No news.

Still no news on when my scans will be. My oncologist wrote a letter to the insurance company explaining my need, and I guess right now we are just waiting.
On Sunday I ran a 5K run, the Komen Race for a Cure. I got 3rd place in the Survivors Division, and we made the Omaha World Herald on Monday! I got a trophy!!! Pretty good for the diseased, and fairly non-athletic girl! It was a great morning, and over 12,000 people participated in the walk! It was AMESOME!!!!
I will let you all know when I actually get my scans scheduled!!!!
What am I thankful for?!?!
Snuggling under the blankets when it is rainy and chilly outside, Melissa Etheridge, and Don Q rum!

Gone CRAZY!

Well, I have heard back from my insurance company and they said that they are not going to okay my PET/CT scan. They said that I needed a letter from my doctor indicating why I needed a scan....ummmm...because I have metastatic cancer!!!!?
Seriously, around scan time I get a little crazy!!! I stayed home from work for a half of day on Thursday and then all day on Monday! There is always that chance that my life might change dramatically in a blink of an eye!
On Sunday night I had what might be considered a complete break from reality! Around 10pm, after the kids went to bed, I got really mad about having CANCER! This lovely...apparently over stressed break led to my screaming and bawling and hitting my hubby and our home office until he directed me to the bedroom so that I did not wake up the children! I totally agreed and willingly moved to our bedroom, and then... wanted to throw everything heavy we own out the plate glass windows!! Strong, or crazy?!?! I am guessing, on a crazy scale, with 1 being pretty close to normal, and 10 being naked in traffic singing the Itsy Bitsy Spider, I was closely approching a 9.5!!! So, if you hear the Itsy Bitsy spider, grab a blanket and throw me in your trunk!!! Much love!!!!
What am I thankful for!?!?!
Time to myself.

Cancelled!

My insurance company has not yet okay'ed my PET/CT scan. I will updated you all when I find out when it will be rescheduled! It has been a stressful few days/week, and it looks like that will be delayed a little longer.
What am I thankful for?!
My old insurance company that didn't need precertification for PET scans!!!

Inside out!

I am now less than a week from scan time!!! Next Tuesday I will be having my PET/CT to see what is going on inside me. I don't know about you, but I prefer my insides to stay....well....inside! The scan takes between 2-4 hours. I will have the scan on Tuesday, and then I will go back on Thursday to meet with the doctor to get my results and then to get my treatment.
Things have been going pretty well lately. I have had some back and neck pain and some other small issues, but nothing has gone terribly wrong.
What am I thankful for?!
Time.

3am and nothing to do

Just got done tossing and turning in bed and watching a little prerecorded tv. Thought maybe if I typed a little I could get some junk out of my head and be done with it for awhile! I think I use this as a forum to convince myself of things, more than anything else.
After I blogged the other day, I went back and read a bunch of my old blogs, looking at where I was a year ago, at how I was dealing with this all. I had blogs which seemed almost embarrassingly over optimistic when you read the rest of the story. At first, I started to feel like I was only fooling myself, and there was no point my optimism....it was a very ugly time for me, and just not my nature. That is when I started to think about all the time that I HAVE been here since my diagnosis, and how my optimism has helped me and my family and children deal with this horrible disease. I don't want to spend what time I have left here being unhappy or making the people around me unhappy. No one knows how much time they have here and I could live longer than any one of you! While I have gotten some unwanted inside information on my possible fate, that doesn't mean that I should stop living now or not applaud every little piece of good news we get, even if it only lasts for one week, because I can tell you, that was one damn good week, and I am glad I had it! The good weeks, days, or months, give me time to rebuild my strength so that I can tackle the next obstacle with all I have.
So, if you have also read back through my blogs and you felt sorry for me, or felt like I was only fooling myself, please remember, that I vow to enjoy every great thing that happens to me, no matter how small or how insignificant it may be to the big picture, because this is my life and I only have one chance at it! I am no different than anyone else!
Well, I am going to sneek up and kiss my kids one more time, and try to get a couple more hours of sleep before work tomorrow.
What am I thankful for?! I am thankful that I have been given the time to tell my kids, family, and friends how much I love them, and that I am aware of how important is it to talk to my children about things I want them to know later in life. I don't know if I would have been so good at those kinds of things if I didn't feel a sort of urgency to do them!

The good news didn't last long.

I have not BLOGed for quite a long time. I am not even sure why. The thing is, I was just so happy to have finally gotten some good news, that when it all turned around, I think I was too disappointed to BLOG about it. Here is what happened. When I had my PET scan, the week following my last BLOG, it showed that I actually DO have cancer in my rib. Rib pain is apparently never JUST rib pain. There were also some abnormalities noted in both of my ovaries, but that has not been determined to be cancer, but just something worth watching at this point. The PET scan also showed that the area of my spine that was cancerous is much improved since my radiation treatments, which I could have told you by the mere improvement in my pain level! I generally have no pain in my back.
So, if you are keeping a tally and have lost track, I now have slow growing cancerous areas in my right breast, newly diagnosed cancer in my right 6th rib, 2 faint cancerous spots in my liver that are stable now for a year, improved spots in my T2 and T3 vertebra of my spine, and we are keeping watch on my ovaries.
Now, that brings us to treatment. What the doctor and I have decided to do, is keep me on the herceptin as it seems to be controlling my liver spots, and add tamoxifen (an antiestrogen) and zometa (a biophosphate). The tamoxifen is a pill that I take every day. It can cause hot flashes (which would cut down on my need to run a space heater in my office) and other menopausal type symptoms. I have been on it for a little over a month and I have not noticed any side effects at this point. The zometa is given every three weeks in the doctors office by an IV drip. It only takes about 15 minutes to infuse. The herceptin takes 1.5 hours, so it is pretty quick compared to that! The zometa can cause bone pain, but so far mine has been fairly mild and only lasts a day or two. The zometa doesn't treat the cancer, but my doctor thinks that it will make an unfavorable environment in my bones for the cancer grow and therefore, hopefully, slow the progression of my disease. Right now the game plan is to slow the overall progression of my disease as much as possible and try to maintain on the drugs that I am currently on. My doctor will keep a close eye on me, and when he or I feel like the progression is too much, I will go back into weekly chemotherapy treatments (the big guns). Since I responded so well last time, he doesn't expect any different the next time around. There will be a point in time when these drugs stop working, so we do not want to use them any sooner than we have to. And, I didn't really want to spend another summer going through weekly treatments and blood transfusions, I had things I wanted to accomplish! I wanted to get my kids to the pool and teach them how to swim. It has been a great summer with Skye playing coach pitch baseball, Laken running track, and both of them have learned how to swim well enough to go off the diving boards. Skye can even do a flip off the board!
I was able to personally accomplish so things too. I ran a 2-mile race over the Fourth of July. It was not a marathon, but after having spent 3 months being treated and recouping for cancer in my spine it was a great accomplishment. It was a very sad day, because my cousin was not there to high five at the finish line, but I ran the race in his memory, and I know that he was there in spirit, watching over me and making sure that I was okay.
My other big accomplishment over the summer was my Relay for Life efforts. Our relay team ended up earning $15,500 for the American Cancer Society!!! We won awards for our outstanding fundraising as well as for our TEAM SPIRIT! We had 28 members on our team and 19 of them actually stayed ALL night! It was amazing, but was emotionally and physically draining for most! There were over 4000 luminaries lit, 20 with my name on them, and the whole relay raised approximately $320,000!!! Let's hope that we find a CURE! I had a dream the other night that I was watching my mom put flowers on my grave. It was a horrible dream, but would be an even worse reality.
What am I thankful for?! Dancing in the rain at midnight, riding mechanical bulls, drinking margaritas, the electricity of lightning storms, anniversaries, my fantastic children, today, yesterday, and tomorrow!

Quick update!

GREAT NEWS!!! My rib pain is just rib pain!!!! The x-rays showed NO suspicious lesions!!! SUPER FANTASTIC!!!!!!
I will be having a PET scan next week to get a good look at my WHOLE system!
Thankful for?! Getting good news!

Fun filled -all cancer- weekend!

That title just doesn't sound quite right, does it? But honestly, that is exactly what it was.

On Friday, some of my fantastic co-workers and I held a golf outing/dinner/raffle at a local golf course and raised nearly $4000.00 for the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life! It was any amazing success considering we were just planning a "little outing". (We had no idea we would make as much money as we did. That brings our team to about $8000.00 in fundraising so far this year, and we have more events to go! Do you think we can make it to $10,000? Our goal was $7500.00, and when I set that goal, I think some of my teammates were a little if-y about our ability to raise that much money!)

On Saturday we attended a benefit for a classmate of mine from my hometown who has been receiving treatment for a brain tumor. They had a huge golf tournament followed by a raffle/silent auction/live auction and a live band. It was a huge success! It was good to see so many of our old classmates and people from our community out supporting her and her beautiful family. I know that it had to very emotional and overwhelming.

Tonight? Tonight I snuggled the boys until they fell asleep. I love those little creatures so much, and I thought that would help me sleep, but no such luck. I have been having some pain in my ribs, so I am going to see my oncologist tomorrow morning to see what he thinks about it, and to see if we have a plan for my treatment. I guess I am kind of scared, and feel like my cancer might just be growing out of control in there! It is so hard to think about that. Ever since I found out that my back pain was really due to my cancer, it has been hard not to wonder, every time I have an ache or pain, if it is my cancer spreading. We already know it is in my breast again, and we don't know if the cancer in my spine is gone or not, yet, so I just feel like I am in limbo! I like to have a plan. It is hard to just think I am sitting back doing nothing, and potentially letting my cancer spread. I am hoping that my doc will go along with the idea of getting a PET scan to check out ALL of my bones! It sure would make me feel better! Then I would know for sure what was going on, and I could deal with it. Not knowing...sucks, to be quite honest.

What am I thankful for?! I am thankful that I got to see my oldest son play baseball today, I am thankful that I will be able to see my youngest son run track tomorrow, and I am thankful that I have a huge support group to help me through all this, when I need them.

Worse and then Better

The morning after I typed my last blog, I already felt like I had been disceiving. My last blog was pretty upbeat and painted a pretty nice picture of how I was doing at the time. I think maybe I felt like if I said I was happy and feeling well that I just would be. The truth is, radiation sucked a little more than I expected it to.
Radiation was disceiving to me because, I would go in to the doctors office, lay face down on a table, and for 30 seconds I would hear a clicking sound, and then I would head off to work. I saw and felt nothing. It is hard to imagine that you can have side effects related to a clicking sound coming from another part of a room. I did have them though. I am easily tired these days, and I had a bad bout of esophagitis, but it thankfully only lasted a few days.
On the bright side, my last radiation treatment was this past Tuesday, but the fatigue is still there. Most evenings I am ready for bed at about 7pm, and getting up on time for work has not been that easy either. It doesn't help that I am awake from about 2:30am to 4:30am a lot of nights! Nights are especially hard for me, because they give me time to think. During the day I keep myself busy with work, the kids, the Realy for Life, friends, and family, but at night, there is nothing to keep me from thinking about this mess that I have somehow gotten stuck with. Mostly I worry about my kids, and how they will deal with my illness and....such.
I had my herceptin treatment this past Thursday, and met with my doc. I am still doing that every three weeks. He hasn't decided on whether or not to do any additional type of treatment yet. And, he has me on a lot of restricitions right now while my spine is in its current weakened state. I still can not run, I am not supposed to be lifting anything, and no strenuous activities. They worry about compression fractures. They will scan me in a month to see what the radiation did, and then we will proceed from there. I am hoping that I will get the okay to run at that point, but I do remember them saying that it takes about 6 months for new healthy bone to replace the areas that have been radiated, so maybe it will be longer than I had anticipated. I better start a walking program.
Well, if I don't wrap this up, the birds are going to be singing!
What am I thankful for?! I am thankful that the radiation has relieved my back pain for the most part, and I am thankful that summer is here!

A month of Celebrations!

The past month, has been both trying and blessed! In the past month, not only have I started back into cancer treatments, but I was also able to celebrate the birthday of both of the amazing little boys that God has truly blessed me with. I also celebrated the birthday's of a couple of close friends and celebrated my own 32nd birthday! As you might notice, I see no reason in hiding my age or pretending to be 29 plus a couple, or any other foolishness. I am proud of my age and will celebrate each and every birthday I am blessed to have. Beats the alternative!

I am guessing you are wondering what is going on with the cancer treatments. I am having radiation on my spine here in town, so that cuts down on the drive time. The plan was to go every day for two weeks, but that has been pushed to three weeks to help avoid some side effects. So far it has not been too bad. The drive across town takes about 3 times as long as the actually treatment does, and the side effects are minimal. I have had a little fatigue and a little problem with swelling of my esophagus due to radition falling past my spine. But, the main thing is that the back pain is getting MUCH better, and that is great news for me! I have been off of all my pain killers for three days now, and my side effects are so minimal right now, that I have not had to take any of the other stuff that has been prescribed. I did have a tough spell last week, but I think that was mainly due to a bad cold that just exacerbated my symptoms.
I did get the biopsy results back from my breast biopsy and they showed that the breast cancer that has shown up in my breast is the same HER2/NEU + type that I have had, so I will not be having any surgery, and we plan to just watch it and wait. If it gets significantly bigger, spreads, or the spots elsewhere in my system start to grow, then I will go back on to chemotherapy. For now we are going to treat my spine with the radiation and continue with the Herceptin every three weeks.

And to help me stay busy, I am going to continue to go to my 4 year olds track practices and meets, my 7 year olds little league baseball games, we will go swimming and play with friends, I will work and socialize, and I will continue my efforts to raise money for the American Cancer Society through the Relay for Life. Also, I haven't given up on the idea of running a half marathon, so if radiation goes REALLY well, I will begin a training program again.

What am I thankful for?! Birthdays!

Back into treatment.

Well, a lot has happen since I last Blogged, and I know there are a lot of rumors, true and untrue, circulating out there.

Here is the deal. The spots that they biopsied in my breast, some of those were cancerous and some of those were not cancerous. They sent them back to pathology to see if they are the same Her2/neu + breast cancer I have right now, or if they are a new type of breast cancer. I do not have an answer on this yet, nor do we have a plan set up to deal with them.

The other big news, which is very disappointing (but we can handle it) is that my back pain...which I was blaming on muscle spasms after my run, has progressed and is actually cancer in my spine. I had an MRI done, and the cancer is isolated to two levels of my thoracic spine. It is maintained within the bone and is not in the spinal canal at this time. I will start radiation treatment, hopefully on Monday. This will be directed at my spine and will be daily for 4-6 weeks.

I had all my other scans done as well, and everything else is stable. So...I am going to stay on Herceptin every three weeks, add radiation to the spine, and NOT start any further chemo at this time. They will watch me closely, and we will fight fires as they start!

I hope this clears things up!

What am I thankful for?!
I am thankful that my doctor looked into the possibility of cancer in my spine instead of just giving me pain killers and muscle relaxers. (Let's get this taken care of NOW!)
I am thankful for my FANTASTIC children whose innocence and love get me through the tough times! They are great snugglers!!!

Welcome to my Rollercoaster!

Well, it has been quite a month since I last sat here, about to pass into my one year survivorship anniversary.

I have been to Jamaica~ and almost didn't come back! (I could get used to that kind of lifestyle, but there is not much calling for a"professional resort bum".) When I got back I had to kick the running back into gear, because I virtually undid all my pre-trip training while I was in Jamaica!

I had a 10K race on April 22nd that I FINISHED which was my first goal, I was not last which was my second goal, and I beat my personal record which was my third goal, so all in all that race went well. Mostly thanks to my friend Lori for running next to me and reminding me not to walk! She kept saying "Tracy, you are a strong person, you can do this! You have beaten bigger things!" My thoughts~ Okay, you convinced me and you are right, I will just ignore the fact that my lungs are dragging on the ground behind me and I will keep running! You have to love friends like that!

Now, the next hurdle is the half-marathon which is quickly approaching~on May 7th! One must bear in mind that I had the 10K last weekend; it is now Friday, and due to some pretty nasty back spasms and some pretty stressful medical news I have not run all week! This does not make for good pre-marathon training!

First things first. The back spasms, I am blaming those on my dad because he has been getting back spasms for as long as I can remember. So, not only did I inherit his stunning good looks (if you like big ears), I also got his bad back! But, luckily for me I have a dear friend who is a chiropractor and she has been treating my back, so hopeful this will be resolved soon. I would like to get a couple more training runs in or I will stroke out running the half-marathon!

As for the disheartening medical news, it is not really all that tragic right now, but just quite stressful. I recently went in for a mammogram due to some breast pain that I was having. The mammogram showed that the calcifications that were still present at the site of my primary tumor after chemo, in August '05, are now virtually resolved(AWESOME NEWS), however, I now have a new area of calcifications in another area of my breast which are concerning to the docs. I had this area biopsied yesterday and will get the results on Monday.

Did I mention that I have a half-marathon to run in just over a week?!?! There will be no opting out of the marathon! (Sorry Dad and Dan, I know you worry, but I have to do this, and I will be FINE!) I just got my race shirt ordered. On the front it says "PERSEVERE" in honor of my fight against cancer, and on the back it says "Running in memory of (my cousin)" who was a supporter of me and a hero to many! I am counting on him to give me a little nudge from the heavens on the day of the run!

Well, there you have it! Happy Arbor Day & Hug a tree!!

What am I thankful for?!
I AM THANKFUL TO BE HERE TO CELEBRATE MY CHILDREN'S 7TH AND 4TH BIRTHDAYS ON MAY 6TH!!!
I am thankful for the Relay for Life which gives me a positive distraction and a goal to work towards.
I am thankful for all of you that have donated to our cause and/or sent your well wishes!
I am thankful for my work friends who are going through cancer treatments~ my thoughts and prayers are with you.
I am thankful that my friend with a newly diagnosed tumor is STRONG and has a strong support network because that is so important, especially when you are in and out of the hospital and have small children! (You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers!)

All my love,
Tracy

Less than two hours left

A couple of weeks ago, when I had my 3 month follow up testing, I found out that my cancer continues to be stable. The spots in my spine actually appeared to have improved. Unfortunately, they were able to see two spots in my liver which they actually feel were visible on prior CT scans, but were just not reported because they are so small. One spot is approximately 6mm and one spot is approximately 7mm. As long as these spots stay this size and don't grow, we are not going to worry about them (easier said than done).
Tonight I found the inspiration to type as I look back on the last year and all that has come of it, as tomorrow is the one year anniversary of when this all began for me.
One year ago tomorrow I began a journey towards living. Because, little to my knowledge and little to the knowledge of those around me I was dying. It wasn't painful, it wasn't scary, as a matter of fact, it was easy. What isn't easy? Living isn't easy. It is hard work. It takes will. And, a lot of the time it hurts. It hurt in my bones, it hurt in my heart, and it hurt to the bottom of my soul. I went through MRIs, CT scans, PET scans, x-rays, 2 port surgeries, 6 rounds of chemo therapy, and a couple fairly uninspiring counseling appointments. I saw people come and go at chemotherapy, older people and younger people. I saw people cry when they got good results and cry when they got bad results. I saw people come in for one, two, and ten year follow ups and be disease free. I saw family members bring in food to the doctors and nurses who cared for their love one up until they slipped away. I learned that nothing in life is guaranteed and I learned that if you want something bad enough, you damn well better work for it. I learned that life is to short to waste your time worrying about things that don't matter. I learned that you need to embrace the good things in your life and try to rid your life of the toxic things that cloud your existance. And, I learned that 100 percent of the time this is easier said than done.
I learned that you can not run away from cancer, but trying sure makes you feel better. I learned that if you are just crazy enough you can run 13.1 miles on a treadmill at the gym and it is healing on the mind and hard on the knees! I learned that if you are lucky enough to have great family and friends they will applaud you for your acheivements and some will even rub your feet!
Most of all, I learned that strength and courage has to come from within. It can not be given to us by others, but the will to seek that strength within can be found when looking into the eyes of your children, or your parents, or your spouse or a friend.
What am I thankful for?!? I am not one of those people who will say that I am thankful that I got cancer or that it is the best thing that ever happened to me....that is bull. However, I am thankful for the things that I have learned so far, I am thankful for the love I saw in others that helped me build on my strength, I am thankful that I will likely get to see my children celebrate their 4th and 7th birthdays in May, I am thankful to be going on an amazing vacation with my husband, and.....most of all, I am thankful to be here to experience life, even when it sucks, because I am not willing to take the alternative!