Well, where do I start. A few things have been going on in the last month. I have been training for my half-marathon, started attending team leader meetings for the Relay for Life, and had another treatment.
I have gotten started on my list of things I want to do before I die. Not that I plan to die anytime soon, but mainly because I think everyone should have a list, and I am 30+ and some of my goals warrant some sort of youthfulness, so I thought I better get started on mine. Of the things on my list I am currently working on a) running a marathon, b) speaking out about something that means something to me (despite my stagefright), and c) doing something with this life change(cancer) I have been given.
So, to start toward my goal of running a marathon I thought I better run a HALF marathon(don't want to kick the bucket running 26.2 miles right off the bat, when I have spent the last ten months trying so hard to LIVE. That would be a damn shame!). I have been running about 5 times per week. I average between 25-30 miles per week, and my longest run so far was 10 miles. I just started lifting a little this week. I am going to run the city's Half Marathon on May 7th. I plan to run this for 2 reasons. The first reason being that I want to prove that I am not sick! I want to feel like I have some control over this body of mine. All through chemo I felt out of control of my body, which is a pretty sucky way to feel if I might say so myself! I feel like if I can propel this bod of mine 13.1 miles without falling over, that I have some control over what my body is doing...ie. more control over my body than my cancer does!!! The second reason I want to run this is to run in memory of my cousin, Jeff. Because he was a marathon runner, and because I told him I would someday, and well, there is no better time than the present. He has gotten me through several of my longer training runs. Several times, as I have been running on the treadmill I have located a spot and concentrated on it. During this time, I picture him telling me that I can do it! And, honestly, I truely think he is watching over me, because otherwise, I have no explaination for how I, of all people, can run 10 miles!!! =)
Now, the next two goals are kind of running together at the moment. I feel like I must have gotten cancer for a reason, and I am not sure what that reason is, so for right now, I am going to put energy into fundraising for cancer research. Since I have been given this disease, I want to do something with it. I am going to use my experience to help raise money for reasearch(and motivate other to do the same) which may eventually save millions of peoples lives, and if it brings about a cure soon enough, it may even save my life! That is were the Relay 4 Life comes in! The relay raises money every year to fund research. It is by far one of the largest fundraising campaigns in the US for cancer research, and their funds have been used to discover/create the drug Herceptin which currently is doing a large part in keeping me in a "partial remission". I owe my life, literally, to these advances in cancer research! Now, in addition to fundraising, and organizing teams, and so forth, I have also agreed to speak at the next team leader meeting. This may not seem like much to you, but for me that is HUGE, because I have a real fear of public speaking, and there are about 70-100 people that attend these meetings! I am going to speak out about my disease, what has happened to me, the fact that YOUNG women do get breast cancer, the importance of self exams and advocating for yourself with your doctor even if you aren't 40 years old yet, and why it means so much to us cancer survivors to see everyone gather at tracks across the United States to raise money, and awareness, and most of all to foster HOPE. HOPE for a cure! A cure in my lifetime, or a cure in my children's lifetime, or in the lifetime of my grandchildren.
Now, enough about life goals. I did have treatment last week, and I suppose you want to know how that went. Well, I proudly waltzed into the office in my "I love my Oncologist" t-shirt and went through the routine- everything looks good, drip...drip...drip... Oh, my hemoglobin was low, so I got a shot to boost my red blood cell production, but that was the only thing out of the ordinary, and was no big deal. THEN, I found out that all my scans are at my next visit. I will be getting scanned on Feb 16th. They will do a CT scan of my chest, abdomen, and my pelvis, and a MUGA scan to see how my heart is holding up to the Herceptin. Right now I am handling the news of have my scans right around the corner quite well, but I will probably check in with you all again the week before, because that is when the reality of it all usually hits. I mean really, I feel well, but I felt well before I was diagnosed too, and at that time I was harboring a 5 cm breast tumor and two smaller breast tumors, bone mets, and 3 liver tumors! So, I will not know for sure until the doctor walks into the office at 1pm (or there about, he is usually 45-60 minutes behind) on Feb 26th. Until then, one can only assume that a higher power would not let me continue to put myself through all this half-marathon training if he was just going to throw my butt back into full chemo, right?!?! And, I have a trip to Jamaica planned for my 1 year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis, and I am really not going to miss THAT!!!! So, from the week prior to the 16th of Feb thru about 3pm that day, please do whatever it is you do- pray for me, send me good vibes, cross your fingers, do the no cancer hula....I don't care, but whatever you do, help me through this!!! There are times I feel like I can do it all myself, and there are times that I see myself as a little speck in this vast universe, and feel like I could use all the good forces out there to back this little speck up!!
What am I thankful for?!?! A winter that feels like spring, a friend that pushes me to train and supports me every step of the way and applauds my accomplishments no matter how small, members of the American Cancer Society that believe in my strength and encourage me to spread my message, and all of you who read this stuff I write, because without you, I am just writing all this to myself, and if you think about it, that is a little weird!!!
Love, Me
1.27.2006
1.06.2006
Treatment
I had treatment again this week, and it was pretty routine...hello, yes, everything is going well...okay...drip, drip, drip...bye-bye.
Christmas went well, but I am glad it is over...New Years too! I think I am just ready for a new year! I hope this one goes better than the last. I am not up for any more big bombshells! My 1 yr anniversary of my diagnosis is the second week in March. I can't believe that it has been almost a year! It went pretty fast, considering! I think I slept through about 4 months of it though, so that could be why it went so fast for me!
My doc says I have one more routine treatment left, and then we will scan again before the treatment after that! It just seems like my scans were finished, and we are talking about doing it again. It is so strange to think that this is how my life is going to be from here on out! Measured in three month increments! But, if this had been 10-15 years ago, I would have been given a prognosis of only about 3 months, so I won't complain! LIFE IS GOOD for me right now. For the most part, I don't even remember I am sick until it is treatment time, and people I meet have NO idea unless I tell them, which...why would I?!
Well, I just really don't have much to say other than, Here is to a BETTER 2006!!!
What am I thankful for?! A new year with me in it! Cheers!!!
Christmas went well, but I am glad it is over...New Years too! I think I am just ready for a new year! I hope this one goes better than the last. I am not up for any more big bombshells! My 1 yr anniversary of my diagnosis is the second week in March. I can't believe that it has been almost a year! It went pretty fast, considering! I think I slept through about 4 months of it though, so that could be why it went so fast for me!
My doc says I have one more routine treatment left, and then we will scan again before the treatment after that! It just seems like my scans were finished, and we are talking about doing it again. It is so strange to think that this is how my life is going to be from here on out! Measured in three month increments! But, if this had been 10-15 years ago, I would have been given a prognosis of only about 3 months, so I won't complain! LIFE IS GOOD for me right now. For the most part, I don't even remember I am sick until it is treatment time, and people I meet have NO idea unless I tell them, which...why would I?!
Well, I just really don't have much to say other than, Here is to a BETTER 2006!!!
What am I thankful for?! A new year with me in it! Cheers!!!
12.24.2005
Hello again...
I had treatment again last week. I also met with the doctor to see what he thought of my spine MRI's, and here is the deal. The cancer was in my spine at the T3 level, and I have a compression deformity at T11. They think the L4-5, L5-S1 is just degenerative disk disease, and while a handle a lot of claims for that at work, I was actually excited to hear that is what I had...beats cancer! Anyway, I do have to think about the area at T3, and as far as I understand it (which isn't saying a lot), when there is cancer that has spread to the bone, these spots can then fill in with either Osteoblastic material (in prostate cancer and in about 20% of breast cancer) or Osteolytic material (as in most breast cancer cases). The Zometa that my doctor was considering putting me on, helps in the cases of osteolytic lesions,because they are weaker tissue and the med helps strengthen the bone in that area...well, I am not like most cases, and mine has filled in with the hard, sclerotic, blastic tissue, so there is really nothing they can do for that at this time. I could go on the Zometa anyway, for the "potential" benefits for the breast cancer alone, but it isn't going to help my spine, and the side effects can suck, so...since the cancer is stable, we have decided to keep on the track we are already on, and hold off on adding anything new. He also did a manual exam of my breast and the area that I had lymphnode involvement due to some of my own paranoia, but he did not think he felt any chenges, so that is good.
On a different front, I contune to run. There is new research out every day on the benefits of running/exercise, and I more than anythhing, I think it helps my mental state to run. I am running between 3-5 miles 3 to 5 times a week depending what is going on! With the holidays and the kids' activities, it is sometimes hard to get everything do! I am hosting Christmas Eve at my house tonight with my side of the family, so that is keeping us busy! Dan and the kids just left, Dan thought that taking the kids shopping on Christmas Eve was less stressful than being around me while I am cleaning...now, I have been shopping with my children in the last couple of weeks and it is not pretty...I wonder what he is trying to tell me?!?!
I hope you all have a very Happy Holiday Season! No matter what holiday it is that you are celebrating, don't forget to take a break from your shopping or crazed cleaning (in my case) to enjoy the time that you have with your family and friends...I am going to go finish picking up, and when the boys get back, I think I will call it good and get started on the Gingerbread house we have been meaning to make! No time like the present! Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself.
What am I thankful for?!?! I am thankful for a loving family and children, several great groups of friends, loving teachers to care for my children (and no, I have not forgotten our previous rockstar teachers!), baking cookies with friends (okay, all I did was decorate), and no drip windex!
Much Love,
Tracy
On a different front, I contune to run. There is new research out every day on the benefits of running/exercise, and I more than anythhing, I think it helps my mental state to run. I am running between 3-5 miles 3 to 5 times a week depending what is going on! With the holidays and the kids' activities, it is sometimes hard to get everything do! I am hosting Christmas Eve at my house tonight with my side of the family, so that is keeping us busy! Dan and the kids just left, Dan thought that taking the kids shopping on Christmas Eve was less stressful than being around me while I am cleaning...now, I have been shopping with my children in the last couple of weeks and it is not pretty...I wonder what he is trying to tell me?!?!
I hope you all have a very Happy Holiday Season! No matter what holiday it is that you are celebrating, don't forget to take a break from your shopping or crazed cleaning (in my case) to enjoy the time that you have with your family and friends...I am going to go finish picking up, and when the boys get back, I think I will call it good and get started on the Gingerbread house we have been meaning to make! No time like the present! Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself.
What am I thankful for?!?! I am thankful for a loving family and children, several great groups of friends, loving teachers to care for my children (and no, I have not forgotten our previous rockstar teachers!), baking cookies with friends (okay, all I did was decorate), and no drip windex!
Much Love,
Tracy
11.27.2005
A time to be Thankful!
Well, it is getting to that time of the year where there is something going on every night, with holiday parties, children's programs, holiday shopping, and visits to see Santa. The past couple weeks have been pretty busy in our household. Two weeks ago I was sick for an entire week with 102-103 degree fever, and this week I had treatment on Tuesday and, of course, it was Thanksgiving.
This was my first time being sick since chemo, and I have found, that after being in chemo, getting sick is much scarier than one would expect. I laid on the couch miserable for 5 days, refusing to lay in my nice, comfortable bed, because that is where I was chemo sick, and I refused to feel chemo sick. It was like a terrible flashback. I had to keep reminding myself that this was not cancer, and I would be fine in a couple of days, however, what my mind was telling me was being completely overridden by the fear in my heart. This fear and sadness was compounded by my oldest son asking me if my bad cells had come back, and if I was going to have to go to the doctor all the time, again. I hate for my children to see me sick now, no matter what it is. I don't want their memories of me to be me stuck on the couch sick all the time.
I went to treatment by myself this last Tuesday, which was nice for me because I like to ride up there with my music blasting, singing like a rockstar (which, I might be, but I don't sing in front of anyone, so you would just never know). It also gives me a chance to get some reading done as the Herceptin, ie. liquid gold, drips into my veins. My doctor was a little shocked to see me there alone, given my history of bringing someone new every time I go. It has been a running joke with them.
I got the results back from my MUGA scan. My ejection fraction (which indicates heart functioning) had dropped from 79% to 70%. This initially scared me a little because 55% is as low as they will let it go before they take me off of the Herceptin. I figured if my EF dropped by 9% every 5 months, I might not be on this too long, and this is the stuff that is saving my life! But...my doctor said that 70% is very normal, and that 79% was actually pretty high, and he thinks that I was just nervous when they did my baseline MUGA. This is entirely possible given the fact that it took 5 tries for them to successfully thread my IV that day and they blew a vein in the process.
They also did lab work on Tuesday, and my blood counts were low, so they gave me a shot of Arnesp to boost my red blood cell production.
We did not start the Zometa yet. My doctor wants to get an MRI of my spine to see exactly how the bone is healing back in where the cancer once was. Since my bone density testing was normal, he thinks that if the bones are healing back in fairly normally, then he is not sure whether or not he wants to start me on Zometa or not. He indicated that there are some pretty sucky side effects, and he wants to strike a balance between being aggressive with my treatment and not making me miserable with treatment side effects. So, I am going back to the hospital in a week and a half to have a full spine MRI, and then the following week, which is my normal treatment week, we will decide whether or not to start the Zometa.
Other than that, treatment went pretty well.
As far as the rest of my life, we had a beautiful, organic, free-range, Thanksgiving dinner with my in-laws, and spent a lot of time with friends in our neighborhood. We put up Christmas lights and decorated the tree, and I got some running in.
What am I thankful for?!?! I am thankful to be in that time of the year when everyone else takes that time to examine their life and what they are thankful for. I think it is so important to reflect on the year and look past all the mildly annoying and painfully difficult times, and place emphasis on the people and the things in your life that make you happy and bless you each and every day. The top things on my list are: my family(immediate and extended), my friends (immediate and extended), my current fairly good state of health, the health of my children, my doggy, my beautiful home that I had the privilege of designing with my dad (which is incredibly special to me), twinkling christmas lights, my running shoes, and the fabulous weather that we had today!
This was my first time being sick since chemo, and I have found, that after being in chemo, getting sick is much scarier than one would expect. I laid on the couch miserable for 5 days, refusing to lay in my nice, comfortable bed, because that is where I was chemo sick, and I refused to feel chemo sick. It was like a terrible flashback. I had to keep reminding myself that this was not cancer, and I would be fine in a couple of days, however, what my mind was telling me was being completely overridden by the fear in my heart. This fear and sadness was compounded by my oldest son asking me if my bad cells had come back, and if I was going to have to go to the doctor all the time, again. I hate for my children to see me sick now, no matter what it is. I don't want their memories of me to be me stuck on the couch sick all the time.
I went to treatment by myself this last Tuesday, which was nice for me because I like to ride up there with my music blasting, singing like a rockstar (which, I might be, but I don't sing in front of anyone, so you would just never know). It also gives me a chance to get some reading done as the Herceptin, ie. liquid gold, drips into my veins. My doctor was a little shocked to see me there alone, given my history of bringing someone new every time I go. It has been a running joke with them.
I got the results back from my MUGA scan. My ejection fraction (which indicates heart functioning) had dropped from 79% to 70%. This initially scared me a little because 55% is as low as they will let it go before they take me off of the Herceptin. I figured if my EF dropped by 9% every 5 months, I might not be on this too long, and this is the stuff that is saving my life! But...my doctor said that 70% is very normal, and that 79% was actually pretty high, and he thinks that I was just nervous when they did my baseline MUGA. This is entirely possible given the fact that it took 5 tries for them to successfully thread my IV that day and they blew a vein in the process.
They also did lab work on Tuesday, and my blood counts were low, so they gave me a shot of Arnesp to boost my red blood cell production.
We did not start the Zometa yet. My doctor wants to get an MRI of my spine to see exactly how the bone is healing back in where the cancer once was. Since my bone density testing was normal, he thinks that if the bones are healing back in fairly normally, then he is not sure whether or not he wants to start me on Zometa or not. He indicated that there are some pretty sucky side effects, and he wants to strike a balance between being aggressive with my treatment and not making me miserable with treatment side effects. So, I am going back to the hospital in a week and a half to have a full spine MRI, and then the following week, which is my normal treatment week, we will decide whether or not to start the Zometa.
Other than that, treatment went pretty well.
As far as the rest of my life, we had a beautiful, organic, free-range, Thanksgiving dinner with my in-laws, and spent a lot of time with friends in our neighborhood. We put up Christmas lights and decorated the tree, and I got some running in.
What am I thankful for?!?! I am thankful to be in that time of the year when everyone else takes that time to examine their life and what they are thankful for. I think it is so important to reflect on the year and look past all the mildly annoying and painfully difficult times, and place emphasis on the people and the things in your life that make you happy and bless you each and every day. The top things on my list are: my family(immediate and extended), my friends (immediate and extended), my current fairly good state of health, the health of my children, my doggy, my beautiful home that I had the privilege of designing with my dad (which is incredibly special to me), twinkling christmas lights, my running shoes, and the fabulous weather that we had today!
11.01.2005
From Pink Bunnies to Pink Ladies!
The past week has been everything from turbulent, to fabulous, to touching, to frightening, to just plain stunning...
Turbulence: I went through most of the past week with friends in turmoil, whether that be with me, with each other, or within their own lives separate from me. So, as is my nature, I spent a lot of time worrying about them and why everyone can't just get along (...and if ya need a little prozac to do that, well by all means let me refer you!) I am so thankful for the relationships that I have with my friends and family and I love them all, in all their grandeur.
Turbulence: I went through most of the past week with friends in turmoil, whether that be with me, with each other, or within their own lives separate from me. So, as is my nature, I spent a lot of time worrying about them and why everyone can't just get along (...and if ya need a little prozac to do that, well by all means let me refer you!) I am so thankful for the relationships that I have with my friends and family and I love them all, in all their grandeur.
Fabulous: I was able to spend a lot of time with my old neighbors and their families, as well as my brother-and sister-in-law, and some old friends from high school, as we made our tour of costume parties on Saturday. While I looked quite ridiculous in my costume, it was kind of fun to dress up and pretend to be someone else for awhile.
Touching: Sunday was our Making Strides walk. We had about 48 people on our team, if you count everyone who purchased t-shirts for the event. Unfortunately, we had a few that were unable to make it for one reason or another, but were definitely there in spirit! We had 9 of us that wore pink wigs, a couple with pink boas, and lots of other assorted pink wear. We caused quite a scene and apparently a few of us made it on to a 3 sec. blip on the news, but I have yet to see that. Most of all, we raised money and awareness for breast cancer research and treatment, and gave HOPE to those of us who are still in the thick of "surviving". I can't even begin to explain how touching it is to know that I have friends, and lots of them, that are willing to go walk 5 miles for me...and a supervisor/friend so FABULOUS that he provided "tailgate refreshments" at the end of the walk for the team!! Go TMARYMOONERS!!!!
Frightening: Apart from it being Halloween on Monday and chasing two little Ghouls around the neighborhood, I started to get nervous about the scans that I was having today. I know that their is no sense in fretting and that a positive attitude can take you a long way, but it is hard to get rid of that little nagging "what if" in the back of ones mind. Especially when it is in your nature to be prepared for whatever is to come, be it good, bad, or indifferent.
Stunning: Today was just that. I went in for my 3 months post treatment scans. And after drinking 3 glasses of CT contrast, having blood drawn, an IV threaded, beams of radiation shown through me, and radioactive material injected into my veins and pumped through my blood stream, I saw my doctor. And what did he say??? (Really, is that what you have read through this whole blog to find out?!?!) He said... that I do not have any new areas of concern and that my cancer is stable. Stable in that the liver looks unchanged, with one tiny "spot" that may or may not be malignant that is unchanged from the previous CT scan. It is so small that a needle biopsy would not even be possible, and if it did prove to be malignant would not change my course of treatment. As for my breast, they did not see any tumors on my chest CT. All of that... that was good news! It means that what I thought I had is still gone, at least as gone as it has ever been. That means that even without the chemo, and with just Herceptin, I am kicking some cancer @ss! Now, here comes the interesting part. Remember back in the beginning, when they thought that I had cancer in my bones? Well, they did follow up x-rays and determined that is was probably not cancer and if it was cancer, it was very minuet and was not creating damage to my bones. Well, it has now been established that the bone cancer, no not bone cancer, was actually.... bone cancer. HOWEVER, what I thought I had and then thought I didn't have, and now know I did have, is now GONE!!! You just don't know what you got until it's gone, do you?! Sometimes, I think that might be a good thing. It turns out that on my latest scans, they can see that the changes noted in my bone on previous scans are now healing in with new bone material. Since degenerative changes do not do that, they know that the treatment has "improved" my condition (for lack of a better way of explaining it) and therefore, the spots were cancerous. I guess maybe a higher power was noticing the the breast cancer with liver AND bone mets was a little too much for me to handle in one sitting, so he took the information back, and gave it to me now, after the treatment had it under control, to kind of "soften" the blow. I do appreciate that! And, I do feel better equipped to handle it now.
So, what does this mean for the future? It means that I will be having a bone density test tomorrow, and if all goes well and the results show that I can handle the treatment that I will need to protect my bones, I will be started on another IV drug called Zometa. I will take this every 3 weeks as I have been taking the Herceptin. There do not appear to be any significant side effects, and it will only change life as I know it by adding 15-30 minutes to my IV drip every three weeks. A small price to pay for LIFE!
What am I thankful for?! Hugs(as always), smiles on children's faces, trick-or-treating, and the feel of the fresh autumn air!
10.25.2005
Beware of Pink Bunnies!
Well, I think the anxiety of my upcoming scans has kicked into full gear now. I don't really feel nervous during the day, and haven't been consciously thinking about it too much, but at night I am having the hardest time getting to sleep, and when I do fall asleep I am having all sorts of nightmares. I don't know if it is all the PINK stuff that is out there right now for Breast Cancer Awareness month that is making me crazy or what, but about a week ago I had a dream (nightmare) that Dan had to wake me from, because apparently my tossing and turning had startled him. I was dreaming that I was walking through a field alone, and it was dark. There were broken down barns on each side of me....all of a sudden.... men dressed in pink bunny costumes (yes, the Easter bunny kind) jumped out at me and just started screaming like maniacs. They were not saying anything....just screaming. That is when I tried to scream but no sound would come out, and it was in that fit of terror that Dan woke me up to see if I was okay! Now, I am no psychologist, but generally pink bunnies are not what nightmares are made of!!! Seriously, had Dan not woke me up, they may have stoned me with Easter eggs or forced me to eat chocolate, or some other horrible fate!
Breast Cancer Awareness month is becoming quite the month, with sales of everything from ink pens, bagels, diamond necklaces, and even pink kitchen appliances going to breast cancer research! I love it, because I know that the money that is made from the sales of all these things could lead to a cure in my lifetime, or at least lead to more advanced drugs that will make "my lifetime" longer and longer! HOWEVER, all his pink "stuff" makes it a little hard to forget about what I am going through. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, and not being reminded of my cancer is a blessing as well! I think about it enough as it is! Just think about it, if you logged on to my BLOG, then you were thinking about it, which means you probably think about my cancer every now and then, and I....I think about it every time I get up in the morning and wash my hair with special shampoo to help my hair grow back in thicker from the thinning it did during chemo, every time I make a pot of green tea in the a.m. to drink throughout the day because of the health benefits and the fact that it makes my mother happy, every time I put food into my mouth because of my special "fight cancer diet", every time my kids say something about the future (like "when you are a grandma will you..." or "when I get married will you..."), and every time I get out there and run, because as Melissa Etheridge says in her new song, "I Run for Life"! I also think about my cancer every time I see the scar and lump over my heart when my chemo port is, every time I go to the doctor, every time I look into the eyes of my parents and see their worry, and every single time I see something PINK! Damn, I really don't know when I get anything done! Oh, and that new song from Melissa Etheridge is definitely worth a listen. It means a lot to me, and it sure does say a lot in not too many words (much unlike this Blog which seems to be getting pretty long, and I still have two more things to cover yet!)
I received an e-mail from a breast cancer website that I belong to that indicated that Kodak was wanting some photos of breast cancer survivors for an upcoming commercial. So, I sent in a couple of pics, and they chose a picture of me holding my godson. It is a picture of me shortly after I cut my hair really short in anticipation of chemotherapy. I believe it was only a few days after I had my port surgery. I believe the commercial is going to show lots of photos of women in their everyday lives, and then at the end of the commercial they are going to note that all the women you just saw are breast cancer survivors. Last I heard, my pic was going to be used, but I have not heard back from them since I faxed in my model release forms! HAHAHA, "model release forms"!! ?? That cracked me up too! I was a little disappointed that they did not use the picture of me with my kiddos, but I feel like my Godson and I share some odd bond, because at exactly the same time as I was walking out of the hospital from my breast biopsy my friend was walking into that very same hospital in labor with this precious little soul! I have no idea when or where, but if you happen to see a Kodak commercial with breast cancer survivors, look for me holding a gorgeous little baby boy, and drop me a line, too, because I would like to see it as well. I guess my hopes to give a face to YOUNG women with breast cancer might come true, even if it is a tiny pic on TV for a millisecond!!! =)
I went to a breast cancer survivors luncheon last week, and I can tell you, young people with breast cancer are hard to find. That luncheon looked more like a "How to cope with Menopause" or maybe even more like an "AARP" meeting for women. I was by FAR the youngest in the crowd! But, it was nice to be among others who know, somewhat, what I am going through. It is kind of comforting.
What am I thankful for?!?! Hot-tubbing under the stars, great friends and family, and now that it is getting colder out...my fleece monkey jammies!!!
Nighty-Nite!
Breast Cancer Awareness month is becoming quite the month, with sales of everything from ink pens, bagels, diamond necklaces, and even pink kitchen appliances going to breast cancer research! I love it, because I know that the money that is made from the sales of all these things could lead to a cure in my lifetime, or at least lead to more advanced drugs that will make "my lifetime" longer and longer! HOWEVER, all his pink "stuff" makes it a little hard to forget about what I am going through. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, and not being reminded of my cancer is a blessing as well! I think about it enough as it is! Just think about it, if you logged on to my BLOG, then you were thinking about it, which means you probably think about my cancer every now and then, and I....I think about it every time I get up in the morning and wash my hair with special shampoo to help my hair grow back in thicker from the thinning it did during chemo, every time I make a pot of green tea in the a.m. to drink throughout the day because of the health benefits and the fact that it makes my mother happy, every time I put food into my mouth because of my special "fight cancer diet", every time my kids say something about the future (like "when you are a grandma will you..." or "when I get married will you..."), and every time I get out there and run, because as Melissa Etheridge says in her new song, "I Run for Life"! I also think about my cancer every time I see the scar and lump over my heart when my chemo port is, every time I go to the doctor, every time I look into the eyes of my parents and see their worry, and every single time I see something PINK! Damn, I really don't know when I get anything done! Oh, and that new song from Melissa Etheridge is definitely worth a listen. It means a lot to me, and it sure does say a lot in not too many words (much unlike this Blog which seems to be getting pretty long, and I still have two more things to cover yet!)
I received an e-mail from a breast cancer website that I belong to that indicated that Kodak was wanting some photos of breast cancer survivors for an upcoming commercial. So, I sent in a couple of pics, and they chose a picture of me holding my godson. It is a picture of me shortly after I cut my hair really short in anticipation of chemotherapy. I believe it was only a few days after I had my port surgery. I believe the commercial is going to show lots of photos of women in their everyday lives, and then at the end of the commercial they are going to note that all the women you just saw are breast cancer survivors. Last I heard, my pic was going to be used, but I have not heard back from them since I faxed in my model release forms! HAHAHA, "model release forms"!! ?? That cracked me up too! I was a little disappointed that they did not use the picture of me with my kiddos, but I feel like my Godson and I share some odd bond, because at exactly the same time as I was walking out of the hospital from my breast biopsy my friend was walking into that very same hospital in labor with this precious little soul! I have no idea when or where, but if you happen to see a Kodak commercial with breast cancer survivors, look for me holding a gorgeous little baby boy, and drop me a line, too, because I would like to see it as well. I guess my hopes to give a face to YOUNG women with breast cancer might come true, even if it is a tiny pic on TV for a millisecond!!! =)
I went to a breast cancer survivors luncheon last week, and I can tell you, young people with breast cancer are hard to find. That luncheon looked more like a "How to cope with Menopause" or maybe even more like an "AARP" meeting for women. I was by FAR the youngest in the crowd! But, it was nice to be among others who know, somewhat, what I am going through. It is kind of comforting.
What am I thankful for?!?! Hot-tubbing under the stars, great friends and family, and now that it is getting colder out...my fleece monkey jammies!!!
Nighty-Nite!
10.11.2005
Where have you all been?
Sorry I have not BLOGGED for awhile! It has been a busy return to the school year with the kids having many activities!!! Since my last blog I went to my third and final counseling appointment. I found that the first two visits were helpful as I was in "crisis" situations at the time, but since then, things have been rolling along pretty smoothly. I have busied myself with things that are important to me....spending time with my family, starting a new running program, and fundraising for cancer research. For the most part, she pretty much was just affirming that I had things pretty together...have you met me?!? Maybe I needed a different counselor! But in all honesty, I think I do have things pretty together, and when I don't, I have you all to put me back together pretty well!
Last weekend a great friend and I did the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure 5K run/walk. It was a lot of fun. They had a record 11,000 participants!! It was an amazing sight!!!
At the end of the month I will be participating in the Making Strides 5 mile walk for Breast Cancer Research and Support! This is put on by the American Cancer Society. I have 41 walkers on my team!! What a crew!
Today I had Herceptin treatment. My doctor did a manual exam of my breast and doesn't feel any changes, so that is a good sign that the Herceptin is working! On my next appt, November 1st, they will be doing CT scans of my chest, abdomen, and pelvis to make sure that there are no changes elsewhere, and to make sure that the spots in my liver have not returned. I will get the results of my scans on that same day. My lab results were good today, and my liver function tests were normal!
With as busy as things have been, chances are that I will not be blogging again until after that appt. So, at that time, I will update you all on the scan results and how the 5 mile walk went! If anything interesting happens in the meantime, I will let you all know, but right now life is pretty NORMAL! (as normal as it can be for an abnormal girl like me!)
HAPPY BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH!!!!
What am I thankful for?! Everything. I am thankful for yesterday and I am thankful for today. I am thankful for the opportunities that I have had to help others, and I am thankful for all of the help that I have received thus far from others. I am thankful for those that still wear pink bands on their wrists to promote awareness and to support me, and I am thankful for the health that I have right now and the health that you all have! xoxo
Last weekend a great friend and I did the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure 5K run/walk. It was a lot of fun. They had a record 11,000 participants!! It was an amazing sight!!!
At the end of the month I will be participating in the Making Strides 5 mile walk for Breast Cancer Research and Support! This is put on by the American Cancer Society. I have 41 walkers on my team!! What a crew!
Today I had Herceptin treatment. My doctor did a manual exam of my breast and doesn't feel any changes, so that is a good sign that the Herceptin is working! On my next appt, November 1st, they will be doing CT scans of my chest, abdomen, and pelvis to make sure that there are no changes elsewhere, and to make sure that the spots in my liver have not returned. I will get the results of my scans on that same day. My lab results were good today, and my liver function tests were normal!
With as busy as things have been, chances are that I will not be blogging again until after that appt. So, at that time, I will update you all on the scan results and how the 5 mile walk went! If anything interesting happens in the meantime, I will let you all know, but right now life is pretty NORMAL! (as normal as it can be for an abnormal girl like me!)
HAPPY BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH!!!!
What am I thankful for?! Everything. I am thankful for yesterday and I am thankful for today. I am thankful for the opportunities that I have had to help others, and I am thankful for all of the help that I have received thus far from others. I am thankful for those that still wear pink bands on their wrists to promote awareness and to support me, and I am thankful for the health that I have right now and the health that you all have! xoxo
9.08.2005
Second Opinion.
I went in today for a second opinion with a breast cancer specialist, who is also a leading MD in high dose chemo/stem cell transplants.
She was very straight forward with me. She said that she had reviewed my case, and indicated that she did not believe that a stem cell transplant was a good option for me. She indicated that she has done 200+ stem cell transplants on individuals with metastatic cancer over the last 9-10 years, and of those, 5 individuals were still living in 2004. She indicated that of those 5, all but one of them had had a recurrence during that time and required chemotherapy. She believes that the stem cell transplant did get them a longer period of time without any kind of treatment, but does not necessarily think that it was prolonging their life. She said that they likely could have all been placed on chemo again and been maintained on that type of treatment and had the same outcome. She said that since we can not expect a cure in my case, that to go through about 100 days of poor quality of life from the treatment would, in her opinion, not be a great option.
I asked her about whether or not she felt that a mastectomy was a good idea. She indicated that she did not necessary think that there was anything to gain from having the surgery, and also indicated that keeping the breast was going to help make recurrences more quickly identifiable, therefore allowing for treatment sooner.
I asked her about whether or not having my ovaries removed or radiated would be helpful, since my tumor is 26% Estrogen receptive. She said that I could do that, but felt that taking an oral agent to counter the hormones would be as effective. She said that she believes that the chemo will eventually put me into menopause anyway, so it will not really be an issue anyway.
I also asked her about experimental trials, and if I should look into them. She said that right now that would not be an option for me because I have no measurable disease, but that when I am in a recurrence I could look into that. She said that when the time comes, I should look at third stage trials because they were promising enough in the first two trials to actually make it to a third trial, and that is a good sign. She did not know of any exciting third stage trials going on at this time. She said that she would only look into the first and second stage trials if it comes to the point that I have exhausted all my other options.
She said that right now, Herceptin is very promising and that their are other drugs out there that I have not tried yet. She said that I still have good things available to me, and suggested that I continue down the path of treatment that I am already on. She said that if I feel like I have to have a stem cell transplant, that I could make another appointment to come in and talk to her about it, and she would consider doing it.
But for now, she feels like my doctor is doing very well by me, and that she respects him a lot, and that she would even go to him if she had cancer. She said that she knows that he is up on all the new drugs, testing and treatment options that are out there, but if at sometime I had a question(s) for her, I could call her and do a phone consult (to save on paying for a visit) or I could even have my doctor call her. She said that she would be happy to consult with us if we felt like we needed another opinion.
Well, there you have it. It was definite not fun to talk about the fact that my condition is not curable, and that I will have recurrences, and all of that, but I did get straight forward information and her honest and professional opinion (no matter how hard it was to hear) and that is what I was looking for.
What am I thankful for?!?! Herceptin.
She was very straight forward with me. She said that she had reviewed my case, and indicated that she did not believe that a stem cell transplant was a good option for me. She indicated that she has done 200+ stem cell transplants on individuals with metastatic cancer over the last 9-10 years, and of those, 5 individuals were still living in 2004. She indicated that of those 5, all but one of them had had a recurrence during that time and required chemotherapy. She believes that the stem cell transplant did get them a longer period of time without any kind of treatment, but does not necessarily think that it was prolonging their life. She said that they likely could have all been placed on chemo again and been maintained on that type of treatment and had the same outcome. She said that since we can not expect a cure in my case, that to go through about 100 days of poor quality of life from the treatment would, in her opinion, not be a great option.
I asked her about whether or not she felt that a mastectomy was a good idea. She indicated that she did not necessary think that there was anything to gain from having the surgery, and also indicated that keeping the breast was going to help make recurrences more quickly identifiable, therefore allowing for treatment sooner.
I asked her about whether or not having my ovaries removed or radiated would be helpful, since my tumor is 26% Estrogen receptive. She said that I could do that, but felt that taking an oral agent to counter the hormones would be as effective. She said that she believes that the chemo will eventually put me into menopause anyway, so it will not really be an issue anyway.
I also asked her about experimental trials, and if I should look into them. She said that right now that would not be an option for me because I have no measurable disease, but that when I am in a recurrence I could look into that. She said that when the time comes, I should look at third stage trials because they were promising enough in the first two trials to actually make it to a third trial, and that is a good sign. She did not know of any exciting third stage trials going on at this time. She said that she would only look into the first and second stage trials if it comes to the point that I have exhausted all my other options.
She said that right now, Herceptin is very promising and that their are other drugs out there that I have not tried yet. She said that I still have good things available to me, and suggested that I continue down the path of treatment that I am already on. She said that if I feel like I have to have a stem cell transplant, that I could make another appointment to come in and talk to her about it, and she would consider doing it.
But for now, she feels like my doctor is doing very well by me, and that she respects him a lot, and that she would even go to him if she had cancer. She said that she knows that he is up on all the new drugs, testing and treatment options that are out there, but if at sometime I had a question(s) for her, I could call her and do a phone consult (to save on paying for a visit) or I could even have my doctor call her. She said that she would be happy to consult with us if we felt like we needed another opinion.
Well, there you have it. It was definite not fun to talk about the fact that my condition is not curable, and that I will have recurrences, and all of that, but I did get straight forward information and her honest and professional opinion (no matter how hard it was to hear) and that is what I was looking for.
What am I thankful for?!?! Herceptin.
9.06.2005
I hope you get the chance...
This last week has been a very, very difficult one for my father's side of the family. My cousin was killed in an accident, and leaves behind a son, and ton of family, and friends, all of whom love him very much!
I have been having such a hard time with this, because I do love him. He was very inspirational to me, and I bragged about him every chance I got! He had recently e-mailed me the following: "If you ever feel down in the dumps, you can email or call me, cause I will tell you to drop the attitude and get up and fight (of course get the rest when you need it too)." He was tough, but loving all at the same time! I saved that e-mail, and will probably read it over and over again, and someday...just maybe, I will be able to read it without crying! Nah, probably not.
The good thing about my cousin, is that he seemed to be good at telling people that he cared about them, and he seemed to live his days to the fullest, without having to be prompted to do so. I for instance, lived 6 hours away, and did not get to actually see him in person much, but he kept in touch by phone and e-mail, and I would never question the fact that he loves me...and is probably looking down on me right now, wondering why I didn't run today...(and Jeff, if you must know, my gluts hurt from the workout I did this weekend in an attempt to get back into the swing of things so that I can run that half marathon that I told you I would get too. I did say HALF marathon didn't I? Because if I said full marathon, I am sure that was a mistake! And quit laughing, sore gluts is nothing to make light of, and I know that it is pathetic, but give me a break here, I am trying!)
I think I am learning to live my days to the fullest, as I know that I may not be here until I am 80+ years old, like most of us just assume we will, or at least I always did. I have learned through my illness and through the loss of my cousin that life is very fragile and that we need to appreciate every single day that we have with our friends and family and we need to tell the people that we love, that we love them. We just can't assume that they know!
I have found that since my diagnosis, many of my friends and family have made it a point to tell me that they love me, and some tell me every single day, in their e-mails, text messages, phone calls, voicemails, hugs, and smiles. Or, in their endless efforts to make me laugh when I am down in the dumps. I hope that I too have made it perfectly clear to my friends and family how much I love them!
To steal a line from a country song that is pretty important to me, I hope that everyone gets a chance to live like they were dying. -to love more and to hate less, to laugh more and to cry less, to play more and to fret less, to enjoy life and not feel put out by it, because life is fragile, and we just never know when it will be cut short for us or for someone that we love. Take the time now to tell people in your life that you care about them...do not wait!
What am I thankful for?!?! I am thankful for each day that I have with the people that I love, and whether I have 2 more days, 2 more years,or 10 more years, I am thankful to have the chance to tell you all that I care about you!
I have been having such a hard time with this, because I do love him. He was very inspirational to me, and I bragged about him every chance I got! He had recently e-mailed me the following: "If you ever feel down in the dumps, you can email or call me, cause I will tell you to drop the attitude and get up and fight (of course get the rest when you need it too)." He was tough, but loving all at the same time! I saved that e-mail, and will probably read it over and over again, and someday...just maybe, I will be able to read it without crying! Nah, probably not.
The good thing about my cousin, is that he seemed to be good at telling people that he cared about them, and he seemed to live his days to the fullest, without having to be prompted to do so. I for instance, lived 6 hours away, and did not get to actually see him in person much, but he kept in touch by phone and e-mail, and I would never question the fact that he loves me...and is probably looking down on me right now, wondering why I didn't run today...(and Jeff, if you must know, my gluts hurt from the workout I did this weekend in an attempt to get back into the swing of things so that I can run that half marathon that I told you I would get too. I did say HALF marathon didn't I? Because if I said full marathon, I am sure that was a mistake! And quit laughing, sore gluts is nothing to make light of, and I know that it is pathetic, but give me a break here, I am trying!)
I think I am learning to live my days to the fullest, as I know that I may not be here until I am 80+ years old, like most of us just assume we will, or at least I always did. I have learned through my illness and through the loss of my cousin that life is very fragile and that we need to appreciate every single day that we have with our friends and family and we need to tell the people that we love, that we love them. We just can't assume that they know!
I have found that since my diagnosis, many of my friends and family have made it a point to tell me that they love me, and some tell me every single day, in their e-mails, text messages, phone calls, voicemails, hugs, and smiles. Or, in their endless efforts to make me laugh when I am down in the dumps. I hope that I too have made it perfectly clear to my friends and family how much I love them!
To steal a line from a country song that is pretty important to me, I hope that everyone gets a chance to live like they were dying. -to love more and to hate less, to laugh more and to cry less, to play more and to fret less, to enjoy life and not feel put out by it, because life is fragile, and we just never know when it will be cut short for us or for someone that we love. Take the time now to tell people in your life that you care about them...do not wait!
What am I thankful for?!?! I am thankful for each day that I have with the people that I love, and whether I have 2 more days, 2 more years,or 10 more years, I am thankful to have the chance to tell you all that I care about you!
8.28.2005
Waiting....
Well, it has been a couple of weeks since I last blogged. And really, not a lot has happened. I did go to my counseling appointment. The woman I met with has 20+ years experience working with cancer patients. She used to work at a cancer resource center. She really knows her stuff as far as cancer treatment goes. It was a nice visit, I basically told her about my diagnosis, the treatment I have had so far, and where I am at now in needing to make a decision on what treatment I wish to proceed with... and what a hard time I am having making that decision.
She suggested getting a second opinion, not because I don't trust my doc, but as a third party to provide more input, and maybe help me make a decision on what I would like to do next. I thought that was a good idea, and have been busy making calls to my insurance company and to the Med Center. I am going to meet with an oncologist that specializes in breast cancer on September 8th. I got all my registration paperwork in, and my medical records and pathology slides over to them this last week, so I am all ready to go...just waiting now.
This week I will see my oncologist, get my blood drawn, and will get herceptin. I look forward to going, because I feel like something is happening that way. I also have my second counseling appointment this week ...and so far she hasn't said "so how does that make you feel?", but I suppose that will come sometime. I also have the kickoff breakfast for the "Making Strides" walk this week. This walk is put on by the American Cancer Society just like the Relay for Life, but the proceeds go specifically to breast cancer research. The walk is in October, and I will be doing that as well.
I better get going, I have a kiddo that needs to get to bed, because he has his first day of first grade tomorrow, and he needs me to play ghostbuster.
What am I thankful for?!?! I am thankful for today, and being here to make sure there are no ghosts in my sons room and to kiss his little head and tuck him, and make him feel safe.
She suggested getting a second opinion, not because I don't trust my doc, but as a third party to provide more input, and maybe help me make a decision on what I would like to do next. I thought that was a good idea, and have been busy making calls to my insurance company and to the Med Center. I am going to meet with an oncologist that specializes in breast cancer on September 8th. I got all my registration paperwork in, and my medical records and pathology slides over to them this last week, so I am all ready to go...just waiting now.
This week I will see my oncologist, get my blood drawn, and will get herceptin. I look forward to going, because I feel like something is happening that way. I also have my second counseling appointment this week ...and so far she hasn't said "so how does that make you feel?", but I suppose that will come sometime. I also have the kickoff breakfast for the "Making Strides" walk this week. This walk is put on by the American Cancer Society just like the Relay for Life, but the proceeds go specifically to breast cancer research. The walk is in October, and I will be doing that as well.
I better get going, I have a kiddo that needs to get to bed, because he has his first day of first grade tomorrow, and he needs me to play ghostbuster.
What am I thankful for?!?! I am thankful for today, and being here to make sure there are no ghosts in my sons room and to kiss his little head and tuck him, and make him feel safe.
8.15.2005
Enough with the SIGNS
Okay, I have a few concerned souls who have asked me about when I might actually follow through with the whole seeing a counselor thing. Well, let me tell you, I have actually made honest attempts in the past as I said I was going to-
Attempt #1: I called a therapist that was a referral from a friend who had breast cancer. When I called this therapist I went through the initial info over the phone only to find out that she did not take my insurance, and while a good therapist is not a thing one should turn down, I thought that the $130 a visit might get a little pricey once I opened my mouth and she realized the number of visits I was going to require! =)
Attempt #2: I finally decided to get a referral from my Oncologist for a Psychologist at the cancer center. I checked with the same friend from my previous attempt, and she said great things about this Dr, so I went ahead and called. HOWEVER, the psychologist was out, and it just so happened that her scheduler was also out, SO I would have to wait until Monday to call back and schedule an appointment. So, when Monday arrived, I was feeling much better and thought that my two failed attempts to schedule an appointment was a SIGN that I didn't really need to see a mental health professional!
Attempt #3: Today, I came into work and decided that after the long weekend and the constant weighing of options, maybe today was the day I would followed through with scheduling that appointment, so... knowing that I would be more likely to actually go if it was in Lincoln, I found someone in town who has experience working with clients who have cancer, and who actually came recommended as well. So, despite my many hesitations, I picked up the phone and dialed her number. HOWEVER, when I called they told me that the computers were down, so they could not make the appointment but that they would transfer me to the voicemail of someone who would call me back to schedule when the computers were back up and running. Now, knowing me, you should now understand that this alone was ringing in the back of my head as a SIGN, but when she attempted to transfer me and disconnected me...now THAT was CLEARLY a SIGN! However, much to my dismay a friend from work was simultaneously sending me a message- after reading my BLOG- that now might be a good time to schedule that appointment for "professional help", so...I did pick up the phone, call back and successfully left a message for them to call me back to schedule (however, I did give a false name and number- no, just kidding). It just so happens, that when they called back to schedule, I was gone at my acupuncture appointment and missed the call. Now really, is that not a sign? Should it be this hard to schedule an appointment if it was meant to be?!? You guessed it, I thought it was a sign! So, I didn't call back.
Attempt #1: I called a therapist that was a referral from a friend who had breast cancer. When I called this therapist I went through the initial info over the phone only to find out that she did not take my insurance, and while a good therapist is not a thing one should turn down, I thought that the $130 a visit might get a little pricey once I opened my mouth and she realized the number of visits I was going to require! =)
Attempt #2: I finally decided to get a referral from my Oncologist for a Psychologist at the cancer center. I checked with the same friend from my previous attempt, and she said great things about this Dr, so I went ahead and called. HOWEVER, the psychologist was out, and it just so happened that her scheduler was also out, SO I would have to wait until Monday to call back and schedule an appointment. So, when Monday arrived, I was feeling much better and thought that my two failed attempts to schedule an appointment was a SIGN that I didn't really need to see a mental health professional!
Attempt #3: Today, I came into work and decided that after the long weekend and the constant weighing of options, maybe today was the day I would followed through with scheduling that appointment, so... knowing that I would be more likely to actually go if it was in Lincoln, I found someone in town who has experience working with clients who have cancer, and who actually came recommended as well. So, despite my many hesitations, I picked up the phone and dialed her number. HOWEVER, when I called they told me that the computers were down, so they could not make the appointment but that they would transfer me to the voicemail of someone who would call me back to schedule when the computers were back up and running. Now, knowing me, you should now understand that this alone was ringing in the back of my head as a SIGN, but when she attempted to transfer me and disconnected me...now THAT was CLEARLY a SIGN! However, much to my dismay a friend from work was simultaneously sending me a message- after reading my BLOG- that now might be a good time to schedule that appointment for "professional help", so...I did pick up the phone, call back and successfully left a message for them to call me back to schedule (however, I did give a false name and number- no, just kidding). It just so happens, that when they called back to schedule, I was gone at my acupuncture appointment and missed the call. Now really, is that not a sign? Should it be this hard to schedule an appointment if it was meant to be?!? You guessed it, I thought it was a sign! So, I didn't call back.
Later in the day (several hours mind you) I was going about my business when another work friend was on his way out for the day and nonchalantly said "goodbye, and hey, make that counseling appointment". OKAY!!! -so enough with the signs! I made the appointment, and I go tomorrow morning. Geesh, did they have to have an opening so soon!?!? I was thinking maybe next week would be soon enough!!! =)
In all seriousness, I do honestly believe it will do me good to talk to someone who is not emotionally invested in me. Someone that I can share all my fears with, without having to worry about making them scared or sad or angry in the process. So, assuming I don't get struck with a terrible asian flu or blow a tire on the SUV, all the signs point to- YES, I will be seeing a therapist!
Really, you don't all need to all cheer at once. That might hurt my feelings! Okay, probably not! =)
What am I thankful for?!?! Friends who nudge me in the right direction, despite my heel dragging.
8.14.2005
Major Soul Searching.
Well, my doctor called right before we left for a weekend away with the kids.
This is what he said. I do have residual cancer in my breast. There is too much tissue that needs to be removed in order to do a lumpectomy and radiation, so my options are to have a mastectomy or see how long I can go on the herceptin alone without the cancer growing. There is a good and bad side to both. If I have a mastectomy, the surgery could weaken my immune system enough that cancer could grow elsewhere in my body or if I don't have the surgery, then I am leaving cancer cells sitting right there on my chest, which may or may not respond to the herceptin treatment.
He also said that I can wait the three months until I am scanned again and see if the breast responds to the treatment, and if it grows, then I could have a mastectomy...however, in my head, that means waiting until my system is weaker and then having surgery, and that seems a little risky to me. I think if I am going to have surgery, I should do it while I am as strong as possible.
The doctor did say that I could be maintained for years on herceptin, but I need to know what is going to get me 10-15 years, not 3-5 years...my babies are still pretty little!!!
I had a pretty long weekend, filled with the joy of playing with my children and the overwhelming fear of cancer taking me and leaving my children behind...I cried a lot, but we made it through, and I managed to keep it hidden from my kiddos! (I hope!)
Well, I have been gone, so I have to get stuff done around the house!
What am I thankful for?!?! Weekends away with my children, making memories!!!
This is what he said. I do have residual cancer in my breast. There is too much tissue that needs to be removed in order to do a lumpectomy and radiation, so my options are to have a mastectomy or see how long I can go on the herceptin alone without the cancer growing. There is a good and bad side to both. If I have a mastectomy, the surgery could weaken my immune system enough that cancer could grow elsewhere in my body or if I don't have the surgery, then I am leaving cancer cells sitting right there on my chest, which may or may not respond to the herceptin treatment.
He also said that I can wait the three months until I am scanned again and see if the breast responds to the treatment, and if it grows, then I could have a mastectomy...however, in my head, that means waiting until my system is weaker and then having surgery, and that seems a little risky to me. I think if I am going to have surgery, I should do it while I am as strong as possible.
The doctor did say that I could be maintained for years on herceptin, but I need to know what is going to get me 10-15 years, not 3-5 years...my babies are still pretty little!!!
I had a pretty long weekend, filled with the joy of playing with my children and the overwhelming fear of cancer taking me and leaving my children behind...I cried a lot, but we made it through, and I managed to keep it hidden from my kiddos! (I hope!)
Well, I have been gone, so I have to get stuff done around the house!
What am I thankful for?!?! Weekends away with my children, making memories!!!
8.11.2005
No news.
I waited all day for a phone call from my doctor, but it never came. So...I will call in the morning to see what is going on.
I hope you all get more sleep than I will likely get! I hardly slept lastnight in anticipation of today's telephone call with my doctor, and now I get to do it all over again!
I guess that give me more time to research my options, and also to look up what types of things my insurance will and will not pay for in terms of reconstruction if I have a mastectomy or two. There really is a lot to think about...
What am I thankful for?!?! Snuggling up on the couch and watching movies with my boys!
I hope you all get more sleep than I will likely get! I hardly slept lastnight in anticipation of today's telephone call with my doctor, and now I get to do it all over again!
I guess that give me more time to research my options, and also to look up what types of things my insurance will and will not pay for in terms of reconstruction if I have a mastectomy or two. There really is a lot to think about...
What am I thankful for?!?! Snuggling up on the couch and watching movies with my boys!
8.09.2005
Over-Hyped Appointment
Okay, here is the low down on todays appointment... went in and got my Herceptin, which makes me feel a little better.
Doc said that he is going to take my case to "the board" which consists of several radiologists, surgeons, and oncologists, and they are going to discuss my case. He is going to bring up the options of maintaining me on current treatment vs. lumpectomy and radiation vs. mastectomy. He is also going to discuss the possibility of reconstuctive surgery and the ability to detect recurrences, etc.
Basically, his opinion of the mammogram is that the masses are gone, but there is an area of suspition which is highly suggestive of cancer. I got the impression that he would like me to have a surgery of some type, whether it would be a lumpectomy and radiation or a mastectomy, to get better control over my primary site.
He said that they may want more testing, such as an ultrasound or a breast MRI. He said that he would call me on Thursday, and the surgeon may also call me on Thursday to set up a consult time.
Until then...we wait some more, and I do a little soul searching, and my hubby and I go through our feelings on the options.
Today I am asking my kids what they are thankful for:
Skye- "I am thankful I have good parents" (What a good kid!)
Laken- "...watching a movie" (He's 3, he hasn't learned to suck up yet!)
Doc said that he is going to take my case to "the board" which consists of several radiologists, surgeons, and oncologists, and they are going to discuss my case. He is going to bring up the options of maintaining me on current treatment vs. lumpectomy and radiation vs. mastectomy. He is also going to discuss the possibility of reconstuctive surgery and the ability to detect recurrences, etc.
Basically, his opinion of the mammogram is that the masses are gone, but there is an area of suspition which is highly suggestive of cancer. I got the impression that he would like me to have a surgery of some type, whether it would be a lumpectomy and radiation or a mastectomy, to get better control over my primary site.
He said that they may want more testing, such as an ultrasound or a breast MRI. He said that he would call me on Thursday, and the surgeon may also call me on Thursday to set up a consult time.
Until then...we wait some more, and I do a little soul searching, and my hubby and I go through our feelings on the options.
Today I am asking my kids what they are thankful for:
Skye- "I am thankful I have good parents" (What a good kid!)
Laken- "...watching a movie" (He's 3, he hasn't learned to suck up yet!)
8.07.2005
Almost 3 weeks
It has been almost three weeks since I last had a chemo treatment. I am feeling pretty good. If it wasn't for this cold that I have, I would be feeling exceptionally good.
Today I spent most of the day trying to get caught up on things that have been slipping behind around the house. Which is a good feeling. I am trying to get time to move so that it will be Tuesday. I am anxious to get to my Dr and find out what my options are at this point. While I have been speculating, I really do not know for sure until I get in there to talk to him.
I celebrated my 10th wedding anniversary on Friday, and got 2 dozen roses at work! That was quite a surprise! I plan on celebrating 15 and 20 year anniversaries as well, so we have got to get this treatment plan figured out.
I have been spending a lot of time figuring out my new and improved nutritional plan. We went to the farmers market on Saturday and found a couple of different people who have free range cattle and chickens, which will be better for me, because they have not been given growth hormones. My mom gave me fresh eggs, and I am working on the soy milk, but it is a little more difficult. The soy cheese is pretty good. I have cut out white flour and processed sugar, so I tried some wheat pasta, which was tolerable and wheat bread, which I think I can learn to like.
Today I spent most of the day trying to get caught up on things that have been slipping behind around the house. Which is a good feeling. I am trying to get time to move so that it will be Tuesday. I am anxious to get to my Dr and find out what my options are at this point. While I have been speculating, I really do not know for sure until I get in there to talk to him.
I celebrated my 10th wedding anniversary on Friday, and got 2 dozen roses at work! That was quite a surprise! I plan on celebrating 15 and 20 year anniversaries as well, so we have got to get this treatment plan figured out.
I have been spending a lot of time figuring out my new and improved nutritional plan. We went to the farmers market on Saturday and found a couple of different people who have free range cattle and chickens, which will be better for me, because they have not been given growth hormones. My mom gave me fresh eggs, and I am working on the soy milk, but it is a little more difficult. The soy cheese is pretty good. I have cut out white flour and processed sugar, so I tried some wheat pasta, which was tolerable and wheat bread, which I think I can learn to like.
I am considering doing some genetic testing to see if my children's children or my sister will be/are at a increased risk for Breast CA, and to see if I am at an increased risk for a second primary of ovarian cancer.
That is about all I know today. I will update the blog after my appointment on Tuesday.
What am I thankful for?!?! 10 years of marriage with someone that I love.
8.03.2005
MORE NEWS!
I got the results back from my mammograms today.
They were unable to identify any distinct masses on the films, so that is great news. The original mammogram showed 3 distinct masses, 1 of them was quite large with two smaller ones. These are no longer visible- or are just too small to see.
The mammograms were done here in town, but they are now sending the films over to my Oncologist at the Cancer Center, where he will look at them, he will have a radiologist that he trusts look at them, and also a breast surgeon.
I will be going to Omaha on Tuesday, the 9th, and I will be having my Herceptin treatment and will find out what "my" medical team thought of the films, and we will go from there.
Right now I am back in the waiting stage...but good news is good news, you can't knock that!
The hubby and I are busy researching the best diet to help keep this stuff at bay, and I have started on the diet full-time now. It is a little hard to get used to, and restricts any eating out due to the number of prohibited food items and cooking products, but it is worth it! (Coincidentally, donuts are on my list of bad foods and it just so happens that they have brought donuts to work two days in a row now! What are the odds?!?!) Geesh!!!
The only other thing going on right now is the painful reality that my hair has not yet got the memo that I am stopping the chemo, as it has been thinning out more than ever in the last couple of weeks...If I go through 6 rounds of chemo with all of my hair, and then lose it AFTER chemo ENDS, you may all get to see the crazy dance...which, much like the happy dance, is NOT TOO PRETTY!!! =)
What am I thankful for?!?! My little boys, who are patiently waiting for me to come snuggle them and kiss them goodnight! Gotta go!!!
They were unable to identify any distinct masses on the films, so that is great news. The original mammogram showed 3 distinct masses, 1 of them was quite large with two smaller ones. These are no longer visible- or are just too small to see.
The mammograms were done here in town, but they are now sending the films over to my Oncologist at the Cancer Center, where he will look at them, he will have a radiologist that he trusts look at them, and also a breast surgeon.
I will be going to Omaha on Tuesday, the 9th, and I will be having my Herceptin treatment and will find out what "my" medical team thought of the films, and we will go from there.
Right now I am back in the waiting stage...but good news is good news, you can't knock that!
The hubby and I are busy researching the best diet to help keep this stuff at bay, and I have started on the diet full-time now. It is a little hard to get used to, and restricts any eating out due to the number of prohibited food items and cooking products, but it is worth it! (Coincidentally, donuts are on my list of bad foods and it just so happens that they have brought donuts to work two days in a row now! What are the odds?!?!) Geesh!!!
The only other thing going on right now is the painful reality that my hair has not yet got the memo that I am stopping the chemo, as it has been thinning out more than ever in the last couple of weeks...If I go through 6 rounds of chemo with all of my hair, and then lose it AFTER chemo ENDS, you may all get to see the crazy dance...which, much like the happy dance, is NOT TOO PRETTY!!! =)
What am I thankful for?!?! My little boys, who are patiently waiting for me to come snuggle them and kiss them goodnight! Gotta go!!!
7.28.2005
Professional Help
I am going out of town for the weekend, but when I get back, I am going to see if I can get a little professional help.
Thanks to everyone who has been so supportive of me, I am sorry I am being such a downer, I will try to pick it up next week, I just have a lot to process right now!
I have a blood draw on Monday to make sure my counts are okay after the little weekend getaway, and I am also having my mammograms done on Monday.
So, I will not be blogging over the weekend, but I will try to update everyone when I get the results from my lab and mammogram back.
What am I thankful for?!?! Cooler days!
Thanks to everyone who has been so supportive of me, I am sorry I am being such a downer, I will try to pick it up next week, I just have a lot to process right now!
I have a blood draw on Monday to make sure my counts are okay after the little weekend getaway, and I am also having my mammograms done on Monday.
So, I will not be blogging over the weekend, but I will try to update everyone when I get the results from my lab and mammogram back.
What am I thankful for?!?! Cooler days!
7.26.2005
The NEWS!!!
The news:
My CT scans and the MRI of my spine showed no evidence of tumors. Tumors that were in my liver initially are no longer visible on CT,and there was no evidence of disease in my spine, or any new places, for that matter.
The doctor did a physical exam on my breast and said that he can not feel any residual tumor. He said that all he notices are the changes at the biopsy site.
So....I guess, as of right now, I have no visible evidence of cancer!
I was low on all my blood counts, so I did get to hang out at the hospital til 9pm tonight to get two units of blood and platelets.
The plan:
I will be setting up a mammogram in the next week or so, and then I will go back and see the doctor in two weeks. If the mammogram shows evidence of residual tumor that the doctor was unable to feel on exam, then I will potentially have a lumpectomy to remove the residual tumor. I will also be staying on the herceptin to try to keep the cancer from coming back for as long as humanly possible, which per my doc could be "several years". I will get the herceptin via IV just like the chemo was, but I will only have to get it every three weeks. The side effects are less, w/o the nausea, fatigue and hair loss. My mood should be more consistent, and my hair should be thickening back up. I will be on the herceptin indefinitely, and have several options should my cancer recur. I will be having scans done every three months to check for recurrence and to monitor my heart functioning due to the herceptin use.
I plan to continue with my herbal supplements, will have more energy and better blood counts to kick my exercise up, and will be monitoring my diet closer than ever, because now....the chemo is gone, and it is all up to me and a higher power to keep this stuff at bay.
The emotions:
I am really in an odd place right now, while everyone is very excited (as they should/better be), I have not been able to get all that excited yet. I think I am in shock and quite frankly a little terrified to go off the chemo, because the chemo is what I was placing a huge part of my faith on, and now that is being taken away. Please, be patient with me, I have a lot to process, and this is a big step. Also, I still have some uncertainty going on, as I have not yet had my mammogram, and I do not know if I will be having surgery or not. But believe me, I am VERY thankful for the news I received today, and if I could quit crying, you would be able to see that.
The love:
Thank you for all the love, hugs, prayers, thoughts, vibes....etc!!! They must have worked!!! And PLEASE do not stop on me now, I need you more than ever, because I have a lot of hard work ahead of me now; I have to keep this from coming back!!!
What am I thankful for?!?! Modern medicine! The power of hope and faith! And, did you see the sunset tonight, it looked more beautiful to me tonight than it ever has! Sweet dreams!
My CT scans and the MRI of my spine showed no evidence of tumors. Tumors that were in my liver initially are no longer visible on CT,and there was no evidence of disease in my spine, or any new places, for that matter.
The doctor did a physical exam on my breast and said that he can not feel any residual tumor. He said that all he notices are the changes at the biopsy site.
So....I guess, as of right now, I have no visible evidence of cancer!
I was low on all my blood counts, so I did get to hang out at the hospital til 9pm tonight to get two units of blood and platelets.
The plan:
I will be setting up a mammogram in the next week or so, and then I will go back and see the doctor in two weeks. If the mammogram shows evidence of residual tumor that the doctor was unable to feel on exam, then I will potentially have a lumpectomy to remove the residual tumor. I will also be staying on the herceptin to try to keep the cancer from coming back for as long as humanly possible, which per my doc could be "several years". I will get the herceptin via IV just like the chemo was, but I will only have to get it every three weeks. The side effects are less, w/o the nausea, fatigue and hair loss. My mood should be more consistent, and my hair should be thickening back up. I will be on the herceptin indefinitely, and have several options should my cancer recur. I will be having scans done every three months to check for recurrence and to monitor my heart functioning due to the herceptin use.
I plan to continue with my herbal supplements, will have more energy and better blood counts to kick my exercise up, and will be monitoring my diet closer than ever, because now....the chemo is gone, and it is all up to me and a higher power to keep this stuff at bay.
The emotions:
I am really in an odd place right now, while everyone is very excited (as they should/better be), I have not been able to get all that excited yet. I think I am in shock and quite frankly a little terrified to go off the chemo, because the chemo is what I was placing a huge part of my faith on, and now that is being taken away. Please, be patient with me, I have a lot to process, and this is a big step. Also, I still have some uncertainty going on, as I have not yet had my mammogram, and I do not know if I will be having surgery or not. But believe me, I am VERY thankful for the news I received today, and if I could quit crying, you would be able to see that.
The love:
Thank you for all the love, hugs, prayers, thoughts, vibes....etc!!! They must have worked!!! And PLEASE do not stop on me now, I need you more than ever, because I have a lot of hard work ahead of me now; I have to keep this from coming back!!!
What am I thankful for?!?! Modern medicine! The power of hope and faith! And, did you see the sunset tonight, it looked more beautiful to me tonight than it ever has! Sweet dreams!
7.25.2005
I feel the power!
Okay, stop. All the good vibes are vibrating me right out of bed! (And the best part, no quarter needed!) hehe!!
You know what, I was scared and a little weepy yesterday, but today, I have had so many people wish me luck, give me hugs, send me thoughts via my blog, e-mail me, and text me, that I have not even had time to think a negative thought, and really, it has apparently worked. It is almost 11pm and I am actually considering sleeping! I am not all that nervous or scared either. I know the lump(s) in my breast are much better, not gone, but much better, so already that is some good news. And, if it is getting better in my breast it surely can't be getting worse elsewhere, right?! AND...all I can do now is fight. Either I keep fighting as I am, or the situation makes me fight harder, either way....there is not a whole lot of mystery at this junction.
One of my biggest concerns now is getting this bum leg figured out, and maybe getting a refill on the good blood, because I am pretty tired.
Thank you to everyone who has sent good vibes either openly or telepathicly!!! ...and if you know my hubby's cell number, you might want to call him tomorrow and see how HE is doing, as he will be spending a lot of time hanging around in hospital waiting areas!! Not too fun! At least I get to run around in one of those cute little gowns with the opportunity to moon (or not moon) the hospital staff! =)
What am I thankful for?!?! The rain!!! (and JR, if it rains all day at work tomorrow, I am SO SORRY to miss it!) =)
You know what, I was scared and a little weepy yesterday, but today, I have had so many people wish me luck, give me hugs, send me thoughts via my blog, e-mail me, and text me, that I have not even had time to think a negative thought, and really, it has apparently worked. It is almost 11pm and I am actually considering sleeping! I am not all that nervous or scared either. I know the lump(s) in my breast are much better, not gone, but much better, so already that is some good news. And, if it is getting better in my breast it surely can't be getting worse elsewhere, right?! AND...all I can do now is fight. Either I keep fighting as I am, or the situation makes me fight harder, either way....there is not a whole lot of mystery at this junction.
One of my biggest concerns now is getting this bum leg figured out, and maybe getting a refill on the good blood, because I am pretty tired.
Thank you to everyone who has sent good vibes either openly or telepathicly!!! ...and if you know my hubby's cell number, you might want to call him tomorrow and see how HE is doing, as he will be spending a lot of time hanging around in hospital waiting areas!! Not too fun! At least I get to run around in one of those cute little gowns with the opportunity to moon (or not moon) the hospital staff! =)
What am I thankful for?!?! The rain!!! (and JR, if it rains all day at work tomorrow, I am SO SORRY to miss it!) =)
7.23.2005
Better....
.....I have a better state of mind now. I think Thursdays are just so hard because I am so tired and just plain worn out.
I have some weird swelling situation going on in my leg right now, but I had an uldresound done at the hospital and there is no clot, and my oncology office put me on antibiotics, so if there is an infection, then it should be getting better. I think it is a bruise that just isn't getting better and is getting more swollen from my blood counts being low, but I am no doctor. I will see the doc on Tuesday(as we all know by now), so I should get it figured out then.
I don't really have much to say, so I am going to defer to you all. I am going to make it so that my blog will accept comments. If you have something you want to share, go right ahead. Remember, I have my restaging on Tuesday, so if you could put some positive vibes in there that would be great....but, you are welcome to say whatever you want, please just don't use other peoples names, as they may not want their name on the internet.
What am I thankful for?!?! Friends, family, and other concerned individuals who take the time to read my blog, because they care! (Oh, and A- thanks for the card and for sharing what you are thankful for!! I love to hear that other peole are thinking about things like that too!)
I have some weird swelling situation going on in my leg right now, but I had an uldresound done at the hospital and there is no clot, and my oncology office put me on antibiotics, so if there is an infection, then it should be getting better. I think it is a bruise that just isn't getting better and is getting more swollen from my blood counts being low, but I am no doctor. I will see the doc on Tuesday(as we all know by now), so I should get it figured out then.
I don't really have much to say, so I am going to defer to you all. I am going to make it so that my blog will accept comments. If you have something you want to share, go right ahead. Remember, I have my restaging on Tuesday, so if you could put some positive vibes in there that would be great....but, you are welcome to say whatever you want, please just don't use other peoples names, as they may not want their name on the internet.
What am I thankful for?!?! Friends, family, and other concerned individuals who take the time to read my blog, because they care! (Oh, and A- thanks for the card and for sharing what you are thankful for!! I love to hear that other peole are thinking about things like that too!)
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