Professional Help

I am going out of town for the weekend, but when I get back, I am going to see if I can get a little professional help.
Thanks to everyone who has been so supportive of me, I am sorry I am being such a downer, I will try to pick it up next week, I just have a lot to process right now!
I have a blood draw on Monday to make sure my counts are okay after the little weekend getaway, and I am also having my mammograms done on Monday.
So, I will not be blogging over the weekend, but I will try to update everyone when I get the results from my lab and mammogram back.
What am I thankful for?!?! Cooler days!

The NEWS!!!

The news:
My CT scans and the MRI of my spine showed no evidence of tumors. Tumors that were in my liver initially are no longer visible on CT,and there was no evidence of disease in my spine, or any new places, for that matter.
The doctor did a physical exam on my breast and said that he can not feel any residual tumor. He said that all he notices are the changes at the biopsy site.
So....I guess, as of right now, I have no visible evidence of cancer!
I was low on all my blood counts, so I did get to hang out at the hospital til 9pm tonight to get two units of blood and platelets.
The plan:
I will be setting up a mammogram in the next week or so, and then I will go back and see the doctor in two weeks. If the mammogram shows evidence of residual tumor that the doctor was unable to feel on exam, then I will potentially have a lumpectomy to remove the residual tumor. I will also be staying on the herceptin to try to keep the cancer from coming back for as long as humanly possible, which per my doc could be "several years". I will get the herceptin via IV just like the chemo was, but I will only have to get it every three weeks. The side effects are less, w/o the nausea, fatigue and hair loss. My mood should be more consistent, and my hair should be thickening back up. I will be on the herceptin indefinitely, and have several options should my cancer recur. I will be having scans done every three months to check for recurrence and to monitor my heart functioning due to the herceptin use.
I plan to continue with my herbal supplements, will have more energy and better blood counts to kick my exercise up, and will be monitoring my diet closer than ever, because now....the chemo is gone, and it is all up to me and a higher power to keep this stuff at bay.
The emotions:
I am really in an odd place right now, while everyone is very excited (as they should/better be), I have not been able to get all that excited yet. I think I am in shock and quite frankly a little terrified to go off the chemo, because the chemo is what I was placing a huge part of my faith on, and now that is being taken away. Please, be patient with me, I have a lot to process, and this is a big step. Also, I still have some uncertainty going on, as I have not yet had my mammogram, and I do not know if I will be having surgery or not. But believe me, I am VERY thankful for the news I received today, and if I could quit crying, you would be able to see that.
The love:
Thank you for all the love, hugs, prayers, thoughts, vibes....etc!!! They must have worked!!! And PLEASE do not stop on me now, I need you more than ever, because I have a lot of hard work ahead of me now; I have to keep this from coming back!!!
What am I thankful for?!?! Modern medicine! The power of hope and faith! And, did you see the sunset tonight, it looked more beautiful to me tonight than it ever has! Sweet dreams!

I feel the power!

Okay, stop. All the good vibes are vibrating me right out of bed! (And the best part, no quarter needed!) hehe!!
You know what, I was scared and a little weepy yesterday, but today, I have had so many people wish me luck, give me hugs, send me thoughts via my blog, e-mail me, and text me, that I have not even had time to think a negative thought, and really, it has apparently worked. It is almost 11pm and I am actually considering sleeping! I am not all that nervous or scared either. I know the lump(s) in my breast are much better, not gone, but much better, so already that is some good news. And, if it is getting better in my breast it surely can't be getting worse elsewhere, right?! AND...all I can do now is fight. Either I keep fighting as I am, or the situation makes me fight harder, either way....there is not a whole lot of mystery at this junction.
One of my biggest concerns now is getting this bum leg figured out, and maybe getting a refill on the good blood, because I am pretty tired.
Thank you to everyone who has sent good vibes either openly or telepathicly!!! ...and if you know my hubby's cell number, you might want to call him tomorrow and see how HE is doing, as he will be spending a lot of time hanging around in hospital waiting areas!! Not too fun! At least I get to run around in one of those cute little gowns with the opportunity to moon (or not moon) the hospital staff! =)
What am I thankful for?!?! The rain!!! (and JR, if it rains all day at work tomorrow, I am SO SORRY to miss it!) =)

Better....

.....I have a better state of mind now. I think Thursdays are just so hard because I am so tired and just plain worn out.

I have some weird swelling situation going on in my leg right now, but I had an uldresound done at the hospital and there is no clot, and my oncology office put me on antibiotics, so if there is an infection, then it should be getting better. I think it is a bruise that just isn't getting better and is getting more swollen from my blood counts being low, but I am no doctor. I will see the doc on Tuesday(as we all know by now), so I should get it figured out then.

I don't really have much to say, so I am going to defer to you all. I am going to make it so that my blog will accept comments. If you have something you want to share, go right ahead. Remember, I have my restaging on Tuesday, so if you could put some positive vibes in there that would be great....but, you are welcome to say whatever you want, please just don't use other peoples names, as they may not want their name on the internet.

What am I thankful for?!?! Friends, family, and other concerned individuals who take the time to read my blog, because they care! (Oh, and A- thanks for the card and for sharing what you are thankful for!! I love to hear that other peole are thinking about things like that too!)

Nothing to say...

....chemo went okay. I am feeling fine, I guess. Just know that my hgb is low because I am getting short of breath doing nothing, and just generally feeling run down.
I am a little upset b/c I know I am not doing enough of anything...not getting enough done at home, not getting enough done at work, and probably not being as healthy as I should be either. Seems like it takes all my energy just to pretend like I feel fine.
Same old frustrations, different day.
Anyone want to be sick for me for a little while?!?!
What am I thankful for?!?!.....
..........I don't know.

I am thankful that most of you will never know how this feels!

Was feeling a little down.....

.....so I decided to wear my favorite little black dress to chemo today! HA, so there! I am telling you, this stuff is NOT going to rain on my parade!!!
What am I thankful for?!?! Little Black Dresses! (Guys, you won't understand this, but I think all you girls will!!!)

Carboplatin vs. Steamroller....

....really, I think they both have the same effect on a girl! Wow, that stuff sure does pack a punch. I think the insane heat has a lot to do with it too- (really, if it is going to be 97 degrees out, there really should be a BEACH near by!! REALLY! Did I say really?!?!)
The last week has been a little rough with the morning naseau and vomiting (just until the meds kick in), and I also think the heat may have added to the chemo fatigue and the bone pain from the Neulasta shot. But, never fear, we didn't really miss out on anything. By the end of the weekend I will have grilled out twice, went swimming twice, attended a t-ball game and the horse races, and played games at my nephews birthday party at the park! Not to shabby for Little-Ms-Cancer-Pants, huh?!?!
Well, that is the update...I really don't know much else other than to note that the worsts part of this chemo phase is over, so it is all downhill now, until we get to the restaging...and I would just like to say, BRING IT ON!!! (Apparently those extra good vibes people have been sending me are working great, because I am not nearly as scared now as I was a couple of weeks ago, but who knows...talk to me in two weeks, my mood may swing again...careful, it is dangerous around me!!!)
What am I thankful for?!?! I am thankful for 85 degree days (Can't wait to have a couple!) ...but mostly, I am thankful for the special time that I get to spend alone with my kiddos, we had a lot of fun swimming together this weekend and they are great snugglers at bedtime!

We have a plan.

Well, today was my first day of my sixth, and final round of chemo prior to getting rescanned. It was a fairly long but painless day, as usual. =)
Here is the plan- I will have chemo again in a week, and then on the 26th of July I will go in to the hospital in the morning and have CT scans of my chest, abdomen, and pelvis done, and also an MRI of my entire spine (which was kind of by my request, because every little back pain...probably normal....makes me nervous, so I would just like to see that it is still just the normal wear and tear going on in there). We also talked about a brain MRI, but I think as long as there are not additional tumors, I am happy just knowing from my last brain MRI that I have a brain in there. No need to go upsetting it. After my CT's and MRI I will go to lunch and my Doc will have the results by that afternoon, so we will have our meeting to discuss the plan for the future, but what it looks like is- 1) if things are going well and the tumor in by breast is shrinking (which we know it is), and the spots in my liver are not larger (which really, how could they be?!), and there are not any new masses (which is completely unreasonable to think about), then we will continue with chemo as we have been, and he will determine that day about how many more rounds before we scan again. He basically said that as long as the treatment is working and I still have visible tumors we will continue the treatment as we have been. 2) If at some point the tumors would actually start to increase in size or spread then we would sit down and devise a new treatment plan. 3) If at some point the tumors are no longer visible then I will go off the chemo's and continue on with only the herceptin, for as long as that keeps the cancer at bay.
Well there you have it, I have a plan, and actually was starting to get a really good mental attitude which was enhanced 3-fold by a doctor that I work with who loaned me a book written by a surgeon, Dr. B. Siegel, titled "Love, Medicine, and Miracles". This book has been so helpful for me because it is giving me examples of instances where people have been "cured" or at least had life significantly prolonged beyond expectations, even with the most grave prognoses, and proceeded to maintain exceptional mental attitudes and had their tumors simply "melt away". I have maintained since the beginning that living was the ONLY option that I was going to entertain and that I would do anything to make that happen, and this book, had it only given one example (rather than the many that it provides) to hang my hat on, still would have given me the hope to proceed with that attitude. If it can happen to one other person on this planet, there is no reason to believe that it can't happen with me as well. And really, HOPE is all you have in this type of situation, and I have never been the type to have to have numbers and statistic's and a 40 page thesis to prove anything to me. If I believe, then that is all that matters. When I was growing up my parents routinely told me that I could do anything in my life that I set my mind too, and I believe that. And you know what...I have set my mind on living and that is exactly what I intend to do! (It is not that I am forgetting about my moments of fear and frustration, but I am trying to counteract them the best I can, and with my absolutely FABULOUS support system, it is not all that hard! As soon as I show signs of fear or disappointment in how things are going I seem to have a number of people step out of the shadows to pump up the support, and after my last blog, I have gotten a lot more hugs! THANK you, I really believe (and you can find this crazy or goofy if you want) that hugs are healing!
What am I thankful for?!?! Dr. Siegel's book, the doctor at work who loaned it to me, and my medical team who seems to follow many of the suggestions that this book puts out there! Also, I am forever thankful for my daycare and the ALL the wonderful teachers who are patient and kind to my children during this difficult time for our family, especially Mr. K (who is FABULOUS!=) He is the real deal!!), Ms. M (who cares for my youngest with one of the most patient and loving attitudes-and who can be tough when he needs it =)), and Ms. S who has been not only a director, but a friend and confidant! I LOVE you all!!!

Good or Bad News?

This last round of chemo left me feeling better than rounds before it. In doing so, it made me worry a little that the chemo is no longer working....however, I had lab work done today to find that my hgb and platelets are both very low, so I am in need of both a blood and platelet transfusion tomorrow. On the bad side, that is long, and boring, requires missing more work, and adds a trip to Omaha on my "off" week. On the good side, that means the chemo must still be wrecking havoc in my body, and I am just somehow tolerating it better (must be that acupuncture!).
The nurse was surprised that I was up and running...she said that with my counts as low as they are she expected me to be in bed. While I did nap today, that was probably more due to the long, active weekend we had, and the fact that as I am nearing the end of my first phase of treatment and I am not sleeping well. I am just so scared to go in to that appointment after all my restaging tests have been done, especially when all I really have to compare it to was my initial staging appointment where the doctor so calmly read though all my test results aloud and noted all the places my cancer had seemed to have spread to.... my liver, my spine, my ribs. It was a moment that no one should have to experience, and no one can possibly imagine unless they have experienced it. Each day, every little pain in my spine is a constant reminder that my cancer now may have really spread there. It is scary, but I am trying to work through it the bast I can, and maintain the attitude that "I" will be the one who gets the miracle of life!
What am I thankful for?!?! Fireworks and my loving and supportive family and friends, thanks for the GREAT holiday weekend!!!!

Summer is busy as usual!

It really doesn't matter what illness you have, summer comes on in full swing whether you have the energy for it or not....so I have chosen to go at it with full force and sleep when I can. The kids' sporting activities are keeping us running, but it is well worth it. There have been a lot of cute moments and lessons learned!
The Relay for Life went better than expected!! Our team raised over $4000.00 which is way more than I expected us to raise when I signed us up in the middle of the night on a chemo/steroid induced insomniac moment. It was quite a night. It was nice, but being involved in all the activities kept me so busy that I really didn't think too much about the fact that I was a cancer survivor, and that all the hoopla had a lot more to do with me than I was really acknowledging. Not to say it was without its moments, but it just didn't have the impact on me that the Seward one did. I think the Seward Relay was just calmer and quieter, and seemed to lend itself to reflection and the luminaries seemed to glow brighter there. My team and I managed to stay up all night and actually had 2-4 people walking most of the relay! The symbolism of the event is very powerful if you stop and think about it. I definitely felt supported by my team, and was touched that they all cared enough to spend the entire night walking with/for me. I sort of felt like I shouldn't have asked that of them and wanted to just turn in our money and cancel our walk in the few days before the event, but they didn't let me, and it all turned out just fine.
As for treatment, the side effects have been less this last round, and I actually made it to work for 5 hours today...no throwing up, no debilitating fatigue...it was a good thing! Maybe the acupuncture is helping, maybe it is mind over matter, but being the nervous person that I am, there is the thought in the back of my mind that maybe the treatment is not as effective anymore. Either way, I have one round left and then I get restaged. So, it looks like the last week of July is when I will be having all my CT scans, x-rays, MRI's, and bone scans, to see how my cancer is responding to the treatment. Until then, I have no idea what the next step will be.....and frankly, I am willing to go an extra few rounds, but my doctor said no, it is about time to see what is going on! I am going to have to trust him on this one, I guess. But, if I start to get a little moody towards the end of July, please be kind, as I am very scared to go through all the testing again. If it comes back as mediocre or bad news, I anticipate it feeling a lot like the moment the doctor first told me the extent of my cancer! And believe me, it was not a shining moment in my life! If it is good news, well then I will have worried for nothing!

And all you positive thinkers in my life can yell "I TOLD YOU SO" as loud as you want, and I will be happy to hear it! Until then...I may need a hug or two or twenty!

Okay, that is the extent that my mind will let me BLOG tonight, I need to get to bed. I will get you updated again, as time permits...

What am I thankful for?! Friends and Family who will walk in circles all night long and not even think twice about it, just because they know how much it means to me! Okay, I have to go, it makes me tear up just thinking about it!

Been a long week.

This week has been a little hard. I had a cold that turned in to a nasty sinus infection, I found out that someone I care about also has breast cancer and will be starting her treatment this next week, and I had to have a blood transfusion on Wednesday because my counts were all down.
On the up side, we got our kiddy pool up in the back yard, I saw my first lightening bug of the season, and my mom came to visit and played with the kids while I got some much needed rest.
Other than that, not much is new. I am gearing up for what I expect will be quite a week. The Relay for Life is this Friday, and I have yet to get a campsite planned. We also have bank night for the Relay on Tuesday, which is the same night my oldest son has a T-ball game and my youngest son has a track meet. Not to mention that this Tuesday is my hard Chemo day. I get Carboplatin this week and it seems to take me out, which leaves Thursday as a designated day in bed! Woo-Hoo! To top off the week, my cousin is getting married! Sooo... I will have a night to have fun and to be surrounded by my family, many of whom I have not seen for quite awhile!
What am I thankful for?!?! The Women's Clinic- where they tend to read my mind and help me out when I, myself, can not even express what I need. The staff there have been amazing!!!

Relay for Life

Okay, if you have donated to my Relay for Life campaign, THANK YOU! I set my initial goal at $500 and I thought that was going to be a little difficult to reach, but within the first 12 hours of having the website we raised $705 dollars!!! My supporters are AMAZING!! I was so awe struck!! Me, speechless, now that is a feat! I really can't even begin to tell you how much I appreciate this!! The Lincoln Relay has already earned over $86,000 and the Relay is not even here yet! Seriously, I just can not even believe it!!! I know many of my donations came by way of those who are also supporting my husband, and I can't tell you how much that means.
He has been working very hard to keep us going at home, as well as going to work and working hard every day! He is AMAZING! As a matter of fact, he drove clear across town today to check on me. I had gone to bed around 11pm lastnight and did not wake up until 3pm today when he walked in (and then I went back to sleep until a little after 4pm)! Let's just say I must have been tired. Unfortunately I missed work and an accupuncture appointment! =( SORRY!
What am I thankful for?!?! Those who donate their time and/or resources to help others!

Last Chemo Tx in Round 4

My labs were decent. The RBC's and HGB were low considering I had the shot of ARANESP last week, but I got it again this week and I am going to meet with someone to day to look at alternative ways to help stimulate blood cell development and help reduce my overall side effects of chemo... I will let you know how that goes.
My WBC's are in the normal range, and those are the ones I worry about most- with getting a serious infection. So, that is good news. That nasty shot I got last week did the job and made the difficulties of last week worth it!
I asked about getting a baseline (it will be somewhat baseline at this time) MUGA Scan or ECHO because I have found research indicating that the Herceptin I am on can cause poor heart functioning. They will do that in two weeks, right before I get the next dose of Herceptin, and then will do it again every three months after that. I will be having the MUGA Scan.
I had a nice dinner with my dad, and branched him out to Mongolian food! (And, he LIKED it! Not bad for a small town boy, huh?!) Then I played in the sprinkler with the kids and took the little one to track. He got a first place ribbon in his race, and was very proud of himself! As was mommy, of course, but then again I was proud of the stop-wave-last place ribbon he got last time, too!!!
Was up 'til 2am, couldn't sleep, so I signed up my Relay for Life Team!
What am I thankful for?!? Sprinklers on hot days!

Newspaper Edit

My name and some brief info about me were in the newspaper...if you read it, here is an edit to the story: My cancer is advanced so they are not planning to do surgery at this time.

Just wanted to get that edit in there...now, the gorgeous part- that was right on track! HAHAHA! I am so embarrassed! I can only imagine the heckling I am going to get at work for this one! (please be kind)

It was a nice story, however, and it does give a face to younger women with breast cancer. I feel that it is very important to let people know that younger women get breast cancer too- even as young as 17 years old! That is the IMPORTANT part to me!!!

Okay...just wanted to get that out there before too many people read it! Off to treatment!

FOOTBALL 101

Today/tonight I attended Football 101. This is an all afternoon/evening program aimed at women, to- learn the fundamentals of football, socialize, and come together for the common goal of raising money to fund further research in an effort to find a cure for breast cancer.

The event was started by Coach Bill Callahan last year. Coach Callahan lost both of his parents to cancer- his mother to breast cancer. Tonight The Epply Cancer Center in Omaha, a part of UNMC medical center, was presented with a check for $50,000 thanks to all of those who attended and also to those who bought raffle tickets (a winning ticket in my case!! I am now the proud owner of a framed and autographed poster of Tommie Frazier!) It was overall- a wonderful experience!!!

I am getting into the fundraising activities now, and I am working on putting together a Relay for Life team for the Lincoln relay at the end of the month. And really, I know more about relays than football, so this is good!!!

Well, it is getting late, and I have treatment in Omaha, track practice, and a t-ball game tomorrow, so I better hit the sack!

Nighty-Nite!!!

What am I thankful for?!?!?! Husker fans, and their overwhelming generosity!!!

Wham!

Thursday was by far the worst day so far. Good thing I have that "renewed sense of determination"... I have been having a hard time keeping food down this time and with the added cold, fatigue and bone pain from that shot, it really took it out of me.
I slowly got better on Friday, worked for a few hours in the afternoon, and ended up going to the Relay for Life in Seward on Friday night, late. It was so nice and calm out that night, and the luminaries just glowed. I went with one of my best friends and my mom and met my sister and nephew there. We went at 11pm after all the hoopla was over, so it was just quiet and peaceful. It is quite an eye opening experience if you have never been to one. It is really unbelievable to see the number of people who battled with or currently are battling cancer. And, that does not include all the people that are affected as caregivers or friends and family of those with cancer. We walked the track a few times, and then headed out, but it was kind of the turning point for my week. I began to feel better, physically, after that. And mentally, it is reassuring to see all the people who spent their time and money to pull off an event like that. Coming from someone with cancer, it is kind of like a GREAT BIG HUG. It is a fantastically warm feeling. (But, that is just me, I am one of those touchy, feely kinds of people!)
Well, I got some good rest last night, so I am off to get some stuff done around the house! Take care out there!!
What am I thankful for?!?! HUGS!!!

Forgot to mention....

....I set up an appointment to meet with the Cancer Center Nutritionist next week. I have been reading a book called What your Doctor Did Not tell you about Breast Cancer (or something close to that, it is late...). It has really got me thinking about my diet and how it can help me improve my health and overall chances for survival! For any of you who are interested in preventing breast cancer in yourselves or a friend or loved one, it is a pretty good read and I can get you the exact title and author. If you are pretty emotional about my situation, I would maybe consider passing it up, it can be a hard read at times.

I am currently working on creating a data base of all the rx's, herbal supplements, and OTC drugs that I am taking, so I can share this with her when I go in. I am also pulling together information on diet and nutrition that I have heard and had passed on to me so as to get an opinion on these things too! I can feel battle heating up!!! =)

Renewed sense of determination...

I don't know if it was the long weekend or the fact that I have had a lot of time to spend with my family and friends in the last week or so with my birthday and memorial day, or all the positive vibes that I am still getting from all of you out there, but instead of spending last night dreading today's treatment I was ready for it. And, I think being read for it and not dreading it made it go so much better!!!

The chemo nurse I had today pumped (okay, dripped) my Herceptin much faster this time, so that 1 and 1/2 hour portion of my treatment only took 40 minutes! Nothin' better that lessening the actual treatment time! (Not that it is all that bad, but my ability to sit in a chair with the sound of Judge Judy droning the back ground is rather limited!) Today was a little slow overall, because they had all of Monday's and today's patients in the office due to the holiday weekend. I don't mind waiting, I would rather wait then have someone get a delay in their treatment. There is NO reason for that!

All my blood counts were good today. I went ahead and had the Aranesp shot today and will do the Neulasta Sucks-a shot tomorrow to stay on top of my counts. While it is not walk in the park, I just don't feel down about that either, because it works! and it is what I need to keep on top of things and keep from causing a delay in my treatment, so let's just get at it! (However, as a side note, you might want to avoid me from about mid-Thur to about mid-Fri because that is when it tends to kick in, and my stellar mood might be a little tarnished! I apologize in advance.) THIS TOO SHALL PASS! (My new slogan!)

WHAT AM I THANKFUL FOR??? Three day weekends, digging in the dirt, and a healthcare team that I love and trust!!!

I hope everyone spent their weekend well!!!

Half Way Done!

I am now officially half way done with phase 1 of my cancer saga.

I had my blood drawn this past week. My platelets were very low, so I had to go back in on Thursday to get blood drawn again. If my platelets were still low or any lower, they were going to have to do a platelet transfusion yesterday...the day I had chosen to celebrate my birthday, since I was so tired from chemo last week. (Yes, I am officially 31 years old now!!! No complaining here!!!) But, when I got my results back, my platelets were back up to the normal range with everything else! Something in this bod must be working right!!!

So we went out, celebrated, and did a little dancin'...and I felt good! I am renewed and ready to take on another round of chemo, but not until I enjoy this long holiday weekend!!!

What am I thankful for?? I am thankful for spray on tans and dancing under the stars! What ever you do, enjoy life, because you only have one chance!

Day 8, Round 2

Today was my short chemo day! Woo-hoo! I always feel so good on chemo day, which is nice! My blood work was not too bad. My white blood cells are down again, so I am supposed to avoid sick people, crowds, raw fruits and veggies, etc, you know. My RBC's were pretty good and I got a shot to help keep them there, and my HGB was better than last week, so that is good too! I take a shot tomorrow to help boost the white blood cells, which is good, but makes all my muscles ache, so I am taking volunteers for anyone who gives good back and shoulder rubs, because they usually hurt the worst. =)
All in all, I am doing better, and a thanks to all the supportive e-mails after the whinny one I put out late last night. I was tired and bummed, and that is just what happens....today I felt much better after some sleep and the chemo fog finally lifted! Funny, I forgot to make that psych appointment I said I was going to make! Sorry to those who have to put up on me on the bad days, but it is so hard to schedule those when you are feeling good!!! Maybe next week!! (wink-wink)
What am I thankful for!?!? ...for E-mail and for my friends who so lovingly and understandingly taking the mood swings for what they are and nothing more, and never give up on me! You will all never know how much you mean to me!! And, if I don't return you call.... I AM SORRY! I am working on it, I swear!