Hospital

Monday I went to radiation and ended up in the hospital. I needed an mri of my spine due to weakness and numbness in my hands and leg. I am unable to walk on my own right now. I have some troubling lesions on the spinal cord of my cervical spine, so I started radiation on those as well. I also had nausea, vomiting, and dizziness that has been relieved with an increase in my steroids, and an inability to urinate requiring a catheter. I will be at the hopital until they get a couple more doses of radiation into me, and then maybe an assisted living facility for some rehab before home because I do not have an accessible home. Too many steroids and I might just bust out of here, incredible hulk style!!!
They sent someone in yesterday to talk to me and my family about end of life issues, wills, etc. That was hard on all.
We reestablished that I am NOT giving up yet. I am tired, yes, but I just need a little rest before I kick back in.
I acknowledged that, yes, I will die from this, bit I am going yo die fighting. This is not the time to go home and go quietly.
What am I thankful for? My great support group.

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Scan results...

...I told the boys tonight, so I feel better about posting this now-

I would have to say that the scan results were like a kick in the diaphram. I lost my breath a little, okay a lot. The scans showed that I have several new bone lesions (spine, ribs, scapula, humerous, skull...) and now have not the 10, but now approx. 20 liver lesions. BAD NEWS! The doc suggested a MUGA scan to test my heart functioning before starting a new chemo. He has one in mind, but is also going to look into clinical trials. I also told him about the headache that never goes away and the left hand tremor, thinking a brain mri might be good too, so I had that done on tuesday. The results came on wednesday, and I have several brain lesions scattered throughout...the worst news to-date, and I have to admit that as soon as I got off the phone with the doctor I called Dan who had to keep me from hyperventilating. My parents both came to stay with me that evening...we did dinner and a movie, and mom spent the night. I will meet with the radiation oncologist tomorrow morning and we will hopefully get started ASAP on WBR (whole brain radiation). After that is finished, then we can begin chemo ...again.

The boys took the news like troopers. There were some tears shead, of course, but I stayed strong and hopefully that gives them hope that we can fight this longer. I told them that I am tough and will do everything I can to win this battle.

Thankful for?!?! I am thankful for all the prayers that are going up by so many people. I am thankful for the people in our lives that will help the kids, Dan, my sister and parents, and I through this difficult time. I am thankful for Gods love, and I will be thankful for that miracle when he sendings it. =) PLEASE HUG YOUR FAMILY!!! Hope and Love!

United...

The boys are in my room playing football with my prosthesis...first time they have gotten along all day. Ugh. They are cracking up! Ummm...sooo not okay!
But, thankful that they are getting along!

Chemo #10

We did not do chemo #10 today because my blood counts were too low, however, due to an increase in symptoms over the last few weeks we aren't going to wait any longer for scans. I will do them Monday morning (CT's of my chest, abdomen, and pelvis, and a bone scan). I will get the results at my Monday afternoon appointment. No waiting this time!

Thankful for?! People who give blood. Today my mom gave blood in support of Steve McGargill.

Guess the boys were good...

...Santa was at our house!

Tomorrow we celebrate Christmas...

...and I have been on the couch all day with a headache and throwing up tonight. Let's hope I get it all out of my system tonight, because I have lots of presents for the boys to open tomorrow...Andrew church, and family...please chemo, don't mess this up!
Thankful for!? Rest. Very glad I could rest today so that I can enjoy the holidays with my boys tomorrow. Fingers crossed!

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Oral Surgeon

Good thing I don't have a fear of the the dentist or I might not have been too happy with Dr. Glenn for yanking on my jaw bone with a plyers!
The bone isn't ready to come out yet...don't know if that is good or bad, but I go back in a month.
I do, however, like it when he calls me "kiddo", even though he is my age or maybe even younger. =)
Thankful for!? A nice breakfast with the boys since school is out and maybe a little nap later too!

ATTITUDE is everything!  Amp it up! *Tracy

Ok, so I am a little slow. News? Not.

So, as scans come up I start to get scared and not to be less than inspirational, but I start to think about all the things that need to be accomplished before....well, you know, the bucket thing.
Anyway, it always comes back to writing a journal and putting together a photo album so that my boys will know/remember me and then tonight it hit me like a ton of bricks!!! That is what this BLOG is! Wow ...daunting task up-to-date!  As of now they know I type a blog but neither of the boys have tried to locate it. I hope it stays that way. I would prefer them to get it after the bucket kicking (no matter how soon or FAR away that is). I do have some handwritten journals for them also, with little things like 'tell your dad I said he would help pay for a limo for prom', how to treat girls/women, things that make me proud and little things I sang to them as babies, but the journal entries are few and far between.  And the photo album...empty. (sigh) Luckily, I have a lot of pics of us on this blog!
What am I thankful for!? Julie Johnston's advice to start this blog clear back in the spring of 2005! Thank you, Girl! Hugs!

ATTITUDE is everything!  Rock it! *Tracy

Hmmm....I wonder who this is!?

Sent via DROID on Verizon Wireless

Chemo was a go!

Chemo #9 is down and chemo #10 is next week...then scans. Doc wanted to do 12 instead of 10...I gave him 'the look' and he smiled and said 10 was fine for now!
Yay! Knowing what I am dealing with is half the battle, and the last time I knew exactly was 9/27/10! Three months and 10 treatments is long enough to tell if the treatments are working in my 'Im-not-a-doctor-and-I-haven't-even-played-one-on-tv' opinion!

What am I thankful for!? A doc that 'gets me', mom picking my kids up from school and dinner done when I got home (yummy!), and some chat time with the ever so funny 'yellow shirt'! Lol! OH, AND FINISHING MY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING FOR THE SECOND TIME. Being finished isn't very final...most of the time! 

ATTITUDE is everything!  Rock a fabulous one!!! *Tracy

Sleepless in Lincoln

Tonight I can't sleep due to bone pain from the shots I did this weekend to boost my wbc's and due to jaw pain.....this leaves me with lots of time to worry about my friends who are not doing well. My heart just breaks...
What could I possibly be thankful for?! My time with these wonderful boys who are sleeping peacefully next to me, and for all the researchers out there searching for answers!

Night with the Stars!

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Magic Moments with the Stars

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Holiday Lights from the Elves!

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Quick update

Unfortunately, I don't have enough time to explain all the things that have happened in the last couple of weeks. I missed a chemo because despite my shots my blood counts were too low. Then the following week I took extra shots and was able to have chemo #8. Tomorrow will be chemo 9, then chemo #10 the following week, and then scans after the first of the year. I am ready for the scans because I have been having problems with rib pain on the opposite side of my known bone mets, I have increased pain in the area of my spinal mets, and I have sharp pains in the area of my liver...psychological or physical, the scans will help! Either we move to a different chemo, hopefully reducing the cancer, or I find out all is well and the aches and pains become less worrisome to may already scared self.

As far as good things going on, I was reminded that the spirit of Santa is truely alive. I had some very special people decorate my house with christmas lights when I was away from the house! That was a wonderful surprise to come home to! I cried happy tears for 30 minutes! I was so touched!
THEN....
a week later Union Bank surprised our family with a night with the Stars, a night at CoCo Keys indoor water park, and a laptop and printer so I can start my book! It was all a part of their Magic Moments project and we really appreciate their kindness and the kindness of the American Cancer Society for nominating us for our charity work with them! Nothing makes us happier than to help out others that are going through the same thing we are going through.

What am I thankful for?! I am thankful for the good people that we are surrounded by, including friends, family, and the Southwood pastors and congregation! A very special thank you to Gail for passing on a message from Ginni, and to the woman at southwood who asked to pray with me and told me of her fathers miraculous cure of metastatic lung cancer! Life is good!

Friday

Well, today didn't start out very well. I was throwing up by 6am. Turns out my body didn't like my antibiotics. Went to get the kids from school, which included a long painful conversation with Skye about the fact that while be wants desperately to be a teenager, he isn't yet. Then I got new meds, drove almost home and had to pull over to puke. Made dinner, puked, and then took the boys to see Tangled.
On the way home Skye said, "Mom, I have been thinking a lot today, and our life would be really different if you weren't sick."  This is when I said, "I know" and "I am sorry", and the tears started streaming! (I HATE what cancer has done and I HATE how it limits all of us!) But of course, in true Skye form he says, "No mom, it os good, look at all the people we know because of it, and how much it has taught Laken and I. We will be better grown-ups."
Ugh!!! He is so mature and I am still so angry!!
What am I thankful for!? Christmas lights

What is this about?

For the last 4 days I have had reverse-morning sickness ...I feel fine all day and then throw up at night. I guess at least I don't have to start my day off badly!
Thankful for!? The knot blanket my sis made me...I am freezing! ...and Chelsea Lately who cracks me up!!!

Chemo fog, strep throat, kids dropped off at school...back to bed.

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

SERIOUS! Please consider helping!

Hello my friends, family, and anonymous BLOG followers,
I have a very dear friend whose father (Chris McGargill) has been diagnosed with Myelofibrosis, which is a disease of the bone marrow. Essentially, due to scarring of the bone marrow his body is no longer producing the red blood cells that it needs to support his vital organs. He noticed a lack of energy and a general feeling of illness. After a battery of tests, to include more than one bone marrow biopsy, it was determined that this is his final diagnosis. Unfortunately, there is no cure for Myelofibrosis. The treatment is experimental at best and is designed to treat the symptoms, not the disease.
In order to support the declining red blood cells, he is currently receiving blood transfusions every 6-7 days. Through this process, he and his family have truly realized how important blood donations are to saving lives!
What I am asking, is that during this time of thanksgiving, faith, and holiday spirit, that you all consider donating a little of your time and your blood in his honor.
The Blood Drive is Wednesday December 29th from 6:30am-6:30pm at Millard North High School. The entire process from registration through snacks only takes an hour of your time. You can register by calling 1-800-RED-CROSS. When you register, be sure to tell them that you are donating in honor of Chris McGargill.
If you register by December 3, you will be entered in a drawing to win a cool, custom Husker Shirt designed by Sabrina Ahern. Special snacks will be available and childcare will be provided by reed Cross Volunteers!
If you have eligibility questions, please contact the Red Cross.
To learn more about my friends father, go to:
http://mckennarae.blogspot.com/2010/11/in-honor-of-christopher-louis-mcgargill.html
GIVE THE GIFT OF LIFE!!!!
What am I thankful for?!?! Those who go above and beyond to help others...even strangers!!! HOPE and LOVE!!!

(Megan- if I left anything out, leave it in the comments below...maybe the registration link to register online? Love you, Girl! Thanks for letting me post this here!)

Me with GMA and GPA Leff! LOVE YOU!

CHEMOTHERAPY #7

My labs were good thanks to my Neupogen shots over the weekend, and while my hemoglobin was low, it wasn't so low as to need a blood transfusion, so....more chemo for me!! As of tonight I am 7 down and 3 to go!!!! YAY! Moving right along! This is the first time I have had 3 treatments in a row with no breaks due to illness or low blood counts! My attitude towards treatment is getting better! HAPPY DANCE!!!
Hopefully I wont get the kids' strep throat. Luckily they have both been on antibiotics for over 24 hours, but I am sure I was exposed a week ago! Poor kids...they seem to be fine though.  They don't act sick at all and are wild as always!
I am drinking Kangen water regularly now and have my Enagic water system hooked up at home!
Thankful for?! GRANDPA AND GRANDMA LEFF FOR BUYING ME THIS WATER SYSTEM...THEY ARE DOING EVERYTHING THEY CAN TO HELP FIGHT MY CANCER. I love you!

CELEBRATION OF LIFE, Nick Tiritilli

Nick, you might have scared away the boys, but us girls all knew you were a softy! Much love from one of your "daughters"!  Rest In Peace!

CELEBRATION OF LIFE

Saturday

On the couch all day while I should be shopping, and still tired.  I will regret not having gotten these great deals when it comes time to open my credit card bill next month.
What am I thankful for!? My great oral surgeon, Dr. Andrew Glenn! I go in in a month and he is going to help me with this exposed bone in my mouth! Here's hoping he can make me feel better! He is SOOO VERY KIND!!!!

Thanksgiving 2010

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Thanksgiving 2010

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Thanksgiving 2010

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Thanksgiving

This year I am thankful for being able to spend quality time with family. I am thankful that I am healthy enough to share moments with those I care about. I am thankful for time playing Chutes and Ladders and making pie with Laken. I am thankful that Skye still spends time with me even though he is getting way too cool for me.

Lastnight Skye, Laken, and I were getting ready to watch a movie in bed, and they fought over who got to be next to me, then i fell asleep and woke to Laken carefully covering me with my prayer cloth. What sweet kids! I couldn't be any luckier! Times might get hard, but there are so many wonderful moments that make up for the difficult ones!  God bless! Hope and Love, T

Chemo Monday and mini-Vaca!

6 down/4 to go!!! Lab was good and chemo was a go! As long as I don't get any opportunistic viruses or bacterial infections we should have this figured out- chemotherapy on Mondays and then shots to boost my white blood cells on Saturday and Sunday mornings.  With this plan, I should be good to go for treatment the last 4 weeks in a row!!!! Woo-hoo!  A little stomach upset, but for the most part I am feeling great!

Over the weekend Dan and I took the kids to Great Wolf Lodge and a Chiefs game! We left Friday right after the kids got out of school. We were able to play at the waterpark on Friday night and all morning/afternoon on Saturday! Then, Saturday night we hit Dave and Busters for dinner, games, a couple drinks, and to watch the Huskers battle Texas A&M and the Big XII officials...not to mention the Pelini tantrums. Sunday we got up and headed to the Chiefs game. It was the first NFL game for the boy and myself!!! What a great time! I was BEAT Sunday night and today. I need to get some rest now!

What am I thankful for!? A great vacation with Dan and the boys! I needed that and I think the boys did too! They have a lot of stress in their little lives. I hate that for them!
I am also thankful for my chemo today!!! An exchange from earlier this evening:
ME: Ugh, I hate chemo.
SKYE: Well then,  go off of it an see how well you like THAT!
ME: Good point ...sorry.

Hope and Love, T-Racy

HAVE A VERY HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
PRACTICE GIVING DAILY THANKS WITH YOUR SPOUSE, KIDS, AND/OR OTHER FAMILY/FRIENDS, WE DO!

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

CHIEFS VS ARIZONA CARDINALS

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Chiefs Snuggie! Thanks Bets!

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Christmas Tree Lighting, Legends Mall, KC

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Christmas Tree Lighting, Legends Mall KC

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Arcade

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Great Wolf Lodge- Skye

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Great Wolf Lodge- Laken

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Every stage of cancer.

In the last week I have had a good friend lose her dad to cancer (Nick was like a second dad to me! RIP), my friend Jennifer endures infection and pain in in her breast a year post breast cancer diagnosis (when does the pain stop?), I missed two chemo treatments due to illness but then felt well enough to visit my grandpa for his 80th birthday, and as of today, 5th chemo down with 5 to go! I am HALF-WAY and then scans to see what the heck is going on in there!
Thankful for!? Time with my Grandparents in Branson! It was a great time!!!!

Wow was I sick...

Last Monday night I got sick. I was unable to get out of bed all week. I finally went to the hospital Saturday morning because I was so worn out and completely dehydrated. While there it was confirmed that I had c diff. They put me on 4 different medications and by Tuesday evening I was not completely better but good enough to finish recovering at home. I missed my boys so badly!
What am I thankful for!? My own bed!

Dad shaved his head, what a surprise!

My counts were low today but not bottomed out, so I did get chemo! I will give myself shots Tues-Fri to boost them and keep them up.
I am going to start some more pain medication and another round of a different antibiotic to help my jaw.
Thankful for?! My bunny flip-flops, love them! And a bald daddy to be in my first posted bald picture!

The boys trying on scarves at the Image Recovery Center

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Sunday

I woke up with bad pain in my jaw, the meds aren't lasting all 12 hours. Hopefully they will build up in my system and start working better soon. They kicked in by the time we made it to church, so that was nice. Pastor Greg was talking about a woman in Honduras, where our church does mission work, who had 16 teeth pulled and was so happy and hugging and thanking everyone. I can't imagine the pain she must have been in with all those infected teeth and no medical or dental care! We are so blessed here in the US. What if I had to cope with cancer in a country where I had to live in a 4'X5' shack with dirty water that  made me sicker? I surely would have died in a few short months. I am so blessed to have healthcare, a decent home with clean running water, and electricity. 
After church Laken went with Dan to baseball practice and Skye and I had lunch and then went grocery shopping. We had to wait in the jeep awhile for my food to settle before shopping, but shopping on a nauseated stomach seemed to save me some money. Now we are at Skye's baseball practice till dark and then home for the night.
Dad will be up in the morning to take me to chemotherapy, and since school is out, the boys will be going too. I gave myself a shot yesterday, so hopefully my blood counts will be high enough to get treatment.
Thankful for!? Those individuals that are doing mission work in other countries and also the many that go out in our community and help the less fortunate right here. Skye and I will be helping out Matt Talbot soup kitchen twice this week.

ROCA SCARY FARM 2010

Thankful for!? A great evening with my mom and my boys! FUN, FUN, FUN!!!

Osteonecrosis of the jaw, part II

Well, it was a little over a year ago that my jaw problems started thanks to the drug Zometa. They said that it would likely take from 6 to 18 mo for the bone to fall out and the pain to go away. What they didn't know to tell me was that another area of bone would become exposed just prior to that and that I would be in pain yet again. The pain has worsened over the last couple weeks, and now I am back on prescription pain medications. I really wish I had never taken the Zometa. I just don't think it slowed the progression of cancer in my bones enough to go through these mouth issues.
But, despite that, I am thankful today! Today my friend Mandi found out that her husbands cancer is not progressing. Thank goodness they went to MAYO!

New style...

The one thing I think I managed to do through the last 5 1/2 years of my treatment for metastatic breast cancer was to...not look sick. Most people didn't believe me when I would tell them my cancer story.
Today, I woke up with my bald head and thought to myself...I guess I need to buy a bunch of camo so I can make this look like a style CHOICE, but it wasn't a choice, was it!? Nope, as the hair flew, I thought DAMN CANCER TO HELL!
My only hope is that I can somehow make this "okay" for my boys. I took "funny" pics throughout the shaving process,  I bought hats, scarves, and a wig...I just want them to see me as mom and not see the cancer every time they look at me. Cancer is scary and I don't want them to be scared...not everytime they look at me, anyway. I know we all will be scared at times, I just hope it doesn't take long for us to look past the bald head.
Thankful for!? Heidi, Lori and Steve for making the process lighthearted. They were very good at making me smile and were sensitive to padding my self-esteem. Love you guys with all my heart! (Pics...Not quite ready to post those yet, but they will follow when the time is right.)

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Oncology visit today:

Went to Omaha today. My blood counts are all back up and my white count is very high, which is good for me (it is due to the shots, not an infection).
I was able to get chemo and this next week I will only do one shot on saturday instead of monday, tuesday, and saturday. This should cut down on my bone pain. 
Chemo went pretty well, got sleepy for a bit, but no feeling sick as of now.
Laken had a football game tonight that I was able to go to. He had an interception that he ran for a touchdown!!!
Thankful that I was able to be there to see it!!!! Thankful for my sis who is always checking on me, my mom who brought over food for dinner and enough to freeze, and dad who went with me to chemo! I am lucky to have caring family members who all live so close!
Now for tomorrow? Maybe a smooth new do! My hair is no longer attached...when I run my fingers through it it rains down onto the floor. Might be time to just let it go.
Hope and Love, Tracy

Making Strides 2010

Team PERSEVERANCE PINK

Making Strides Against Breast Cancer 2010! 
Thankful for!?! Wonderful family and friends!!! Thank you everyone!!!

Pink ribbons

Half-way through the month and I am already at the end of my emotional chain when it comes to pink ribbons, "cute" breast symbols on facebook statuses, etc. This month it is constant...all the things I do to forget about my cancer...internet, TV, shop (ok, I never shop, but if I did)...these things are all covered with breast cancer ribbons. Cute little pink ribbons...we should be putting them on baby girls at the hospital, now they represent a disease that I have been fighting without break for 5 1/2 years, and frankly, the disease is winning right now. The disease kills an estimated 40,000 women a year and it is estimated that over 190,000 women are newly diagnosed each year.
It is just too overwhelming. I know I get this way every October. At the beginning of the month it is cool, but then as the month goes on, it is just that 'awareness' once a week all year would be better than 100 times a day for one month. It's not like breast cancer is inactive all the other months. If you need proof, the blog goes way back.
SORRY, I know that isn't very inspiring, or that great attitude that I have been told I have, but that is how I am feeling, and that is what this blog is all about, my life with cancer. 
What am I thankful for!? Ice cream! I think I will have some right now.

Fevers

Was worried about the fevers I have been having.  They come and go.  I talked to the doctors office and they said that they are likely tumor fevers. It has been found that liver tumors can cause fevers with chills in individuals with no evidence of infection. So, while it is not good to have liver tumors, at least I don't have to be worried about these fevers being caused by a dangerous or deadly infection. One less thing to worry about.
Also, the shots I have been taking have raised my white blood cells to almost normal! One more shot on Saturday and I should be good to go for chemo on Monday!
Thankful for!? A good afternoon with the boys, the ability to nap, and a little driveway time.

Jaw

Just leaving the oral surgeon where he took a tool and pulled out a chunk of my jaw bone!
I made it back to the jeep and cranked the air before I had a chance to pass out. It didn't hurt, but it definately made me break out into a sweat. I think I will sit here awhile.
Thankful for!? That bone is no longer cutting up the side of my tongue!

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Leukemia and Lymphoma walk: many blessings

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

BLESSING!

ATTITUDE is everything! *Tracy

BLESSING!

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Did I fail to say below...?

That I am also thankful for the NUMEROUS blessings in my life?! Yep, I am, and they are out there and so thick that I can't begin to name them all in my very tired state of mind. Many of my blessings are in the form of family and friends near and far, surely you all know who you are!!! Love ya! -T

Yet another set back...

Went in for chemotherapy today, and no such luck. Was scheduled for 10 Mondays in a row and made it 2. Perfect. :( No chemo = no cancer killed. Hello!!!!??? I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS!!!!! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME!!!!?????
My red blood cell counts were not quite low enough to get blood...thank you very little (be fine or be low enough to be fixed!).
My white blood cells were basically non-existent. WBC boosting shot today and tomorrow and then lab again on Wednesday. Antibiotics all week to keep infection away since I have nothing to fight back with (seems to be a theme here).
I am disappointed, of course, and at a time when someone I care about has been newly diagnosed with a lymphoma and will hopefully be starting treatment soon, given a "good enough bill of health".  (That part in quotes sounds pretty stupid.) GOOD GAWD ETHEL!!!! STOP THE MADNESS!!!!
Thankful for!? Making Strides Against Breast Cancer this coming Sunday. Registration is at noon. The walk is at 1pm. If I can't fight this breast cancer within my body this week I am sure as hell not going to let an opportunity pass to FIGHT for more breast cancer research, more breast cancer advocacy, and more services to help women just like myself who are stuck in the trenches of a fight they didn't ask for.  There may be pink ribbons on everything from cat food to nail clippers, but there are still women DYING of this disease. Pink isn't pretty to me. It isn't cute. Pink represents a deadly disease that is trying to steel my time with my children...To see them grow....To steal hugs and kisses in the car at school or before bed or any other time of the day.
Knowledge is power!
If you would like to donate or join me in my fight go to

www.makingstrideslincoln.org

You can't take away my cancer or my chemotherapy symptoms, but you can walk beside me and my family or support the American Cancer Society by visiting the website above.

Rough day. Thanks for reading.

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

God spoke to me today

I hate to admit it, but while we have been making it to confirmation every week, we have missed church the last few weeks due to family conflicts, football, and illness..
Then, today, after having been sicker than a dog on thur fri and sat, my symptoms improved such that we were able to make it to church and Laken even insisted on chuch with Skye and I over sunday school which is very unusual.
So, we walked into church...I gave a second glance to a big box of kleenex and decided that I was fine (really!?!?).
The service starts and we come to find that the lesson for today was "When God seems Silent".  How do we deal with storms in our lives, such as a cancer diagnosis or an inability to find employment, when we pray and pray and God doesn't seem to be answering our prayers? The boys and I looked at each other and I knew I should have grabbed those kleenex!
It was a fantastic sermon for all of us, and I am thankful that God lead us there today to hear it!
As for the rest of the day I felt pretty well other than some jaw issues and probably very low hemoglobin. I am hoping they will give me a blood transfusion tomorrow after chemotherapy.
Skye won his last football game tonight and had 2 touchowns! He was the MVP of the game and got a gift certificate from the organization.
The boys and I finished the night with dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings (skyes fav) and ice cream from Zestos. We snuggled and read in our books for over an hour and then they hit the sack.
Unfortunately I took some pain medication for my jaw and will now be awake all night despite also taking a sleeping pill. Brightside- I am getting caught up on facebook. Ha!
What am I thankful for!? A great church, compassionate and intelligent children, and perfect temperatures on this beautiful October day! I love wearing jeans and flip flops!

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Having cancer can make you feel very alone...no matter how many people are around.
It is hard to help someone fight a battle that is being waged within their body...

What am I thankful for?! Bedtime.

The fun new chemo cut! Catch it while you can! =)

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Osteonecrosis of the jaw...

...getting WORSE. This is not a good month!
This makes me sad.
Thankful for!? My boys are opening up about my cancer. I am happy that we are able to discuss these things. Love them! They are my heart!

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Rockin the wig!

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Scan results from today

Today I got my scan results back. The scans showed new cancer spots in my cervical, thoracic, and lumbar spine, also in the sacrum. I have 10 new liver lesions. That is quite a few but they are small and I am OPTIMISTIC!!!
I will continue to take Tykerb (the next generation of drug similar to herceptin) and I will stop the Gemzar and add Taxol. With the addition of Taxol I will have new side effects, with the most exciting one being a 100% chance of complete hairloss. Brightside...I already have a wig that I love and lots of bandanas. Might have to tattoo a pink ribbon on my big bald head and rock it baldy style!!!
THANKFUL FOR!? Other treatment options! Here is hoping my suppressed bone marrow can handle it! HOPE & LOVE!!!

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

More scans tomorrow

I found out on tuesday that the back pain I have been having can be attributed to breast cancer in my spine, at T1-C7.
Aslo, when doing the chest x-ray to see if I had pneumonia or something else going on in my lungs, they accidentally got a look at my liver and found that I have lesions in my liver.
The tests I will have tomorrow will show a better picture of the extent of that disease, and will also look for any other disease in my abdomen and pelvis.
This, obviously is quite a blow, as disease in the liver is very bad news, especially when I am currently receiving chemotherapy.
I called Dan and he was very supportive as the tears flowed. We are both pretty upset, and of course, worried about the kids.
I decided to tell my sister and parents first and sleep on it a night before telling the kids.
I told the kids lastnight before dinner. They have been told so many times that it almost didn't affect them outwardly this time. Of course we all internalize a lot in this family, so you never really know. They know this time will be harder than all the rest, and Skye had some good questions. Laken usually has to sit on it for awhile and then gets emotional.
I meet with the doctor on Monday to decide what the next step is going to be and in the mean time I wait....I HATE THAT!
I don't know if I am losing my mind or what, but I think I can feel that my liver is enlarged. The sensation is driving me crazy. I am going to have to find something to do this weekend so I don't spontaniously combust!
Thankful for?!?! All the friends and family that are out there supporting me and my family and praying for us! Your outpouring of love is amazing and appreciated!

Make a donation to FIGHT BREAST CANCER!

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/MakingStridesAgainstBreastCancer/MSABCFY11HighPlains?team_id=757055&pg=team&fr_id=28092

Chemo was a bust yesterday.

Friday I was running a low grade fever, I thought it might just be a fever for Toby Keith and Trace, but I called the doc to be on the safe side. (They take fevers very seriously when you are on chemotherapy.) I told them about the fever and because we thought the answer might be an infection in my jaw, they switched up my antibiotics and said I could go to the concert. Even though I had seen Toby in concert before my ticket wasnt cheap, so I really didn't want to not use it. I went to the concert and had to sit every so often from just being weak, but I had a good time hanging with Heidi, and of course Trace and Toby were fantastic! 
Saturday morning my fever was still there and I had some awful back pain in the area of my previous cancer and radiation. Luckily I have pain meds on hand for things like this. So, I loaded up with meds and rode along with my sister to get her tattoo. It is beautiful! It is a little overwhelming to see your sis get a tattoo for you though! I love her! She is the best sister ever!
After I got back I crashed on the couch and my fever continued to rise.
Sunday, my fever was going up and down with the aid of tylenol and my back was still a mess, so my mom came and spent the day with me and then took me to Omaha on Monday to see the oncologist.
Doc said that I couldn't have my chemo because my white blood counts were too low and because of my ongoing fever. So, they are running cultures on my blood, did a CT of my chest because of weakness and shortness of breath, and did an MRI of my spine.
So now, I wait....
What am I Thankful for!? The thunderstorm that is rolling through right now!

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

My sissy's new tat!

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

My sissy's new tat!

My sissy's new tat!

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Tattoo

So, tonight I was telling the boys that for my cancer anniversary tattoo I was going to get a tattoo of their names in the shape of a heart because (like I always tell them) they are my heart.
So, I say "Where should I put the tattoo?" and my son replys "Put it on your arm, then we can be your heart and your strength!"
AWWWWW!
What am I thankful for!? AMAZING children! They are my heart AND my strength! They are what I live for and they are my hope. I am also thankful for cucumber lemonade! Yummo!!!!

Update on the health stuff...

Back on my medication and the withdrawal side effects are gone. That is a huge relief.
Went and had my jaw checked out, and it is infected. So antibiotics and antibiotic mouthwash for that! Hoping that clears soon. No fun. I did have x-rays taken and the bone that is exposed seems to be moving. Hopefully that will continue and the bone will fall out and that area will close up. Unfortunately that is not the area that keeps getting infected.
Tomorrow is a chemo break, so the lightheadedness and weakness of this weekend will soon be history!
Thankful for!? Mom and Kody coming and working on my yard. Love you guys!

Last years SKYDIVE!!

http://www.acsnebraska.org/2010/07/lincoln-sport-parachute-club-teams-up-with-acs-for-skydiving-event.html

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Chemo Day

Yesterday was a chemo day, and my blood counts were high enough to receive it! YAY! I have been giving myself a shot the day before chemo to help with my white blood cell production, and it seems to be helping!
This weekend I unintentionally went off one of my medications because I ran out and wasn't able to get a refill till yesterday... let's just say it was one of the longest weekends of my life.... pain, crying, hot flashes, throwing up, decreased patience, I WAS SO SICK OF ME!!!! On the flip side, I hated being so sick in front of the kids, but they were so sweet. Laken gave me a million kisses and if I cried over spilled milk, Skye would just rub my head and say calm down, calm down, we don't want your mascara to run! Made me laugh every time! We all knew tues would be better and we made it through!
Thankful for?! My medical family for bringing ME back!!! And those little guardian angels in my life (even when they are naughty)!!!

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

My boys on game day!!!

GO BIG RED!!!

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Good Advice!

Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.
(Quote by:James Dean)

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Love Will Smith!!!

Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too.
(Quote by:Will Smith)

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

www.cancer.org

The American Cancer Society has the latest information and resources for individuals with ANY type of cancer! Check them out! The site is helpful for patients, caregivers, and friends of cancer patients.

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Thyroid cancer awareness month!

Thyroid cancer has a good survival rate!!!! Know the warning signs!!!

http://www.thyca.org/awareness.htm

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Prostate cancer awareness month!

Barack Obama just signed a proclamation making September 2010 Natl Prostate Cancer Awareness Month!
If you know someone battling prostate cancer, then you know it isn't easy and there are still men suffering and dying from this disease! Remind the loved men in your life to be screened!

http://m.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2010/08/31/presidential-proclamation-national-prostate-cancer-awareness-month

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

OVARIAN CANCER AWARENESS MONTH!

In honor of those surviving ovarian cancer and in memory of those who lost the fight. Hope and Peace!

http://www.ovariancancerawareness.org/home.aspx

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

CHILDHOOD CANCER AWARENESS MONTH!

Lil Ben, I never met you, but I know you are loved and missed by many!

http://www.curesearch.org/support_curesearch/raise_awareness/index.aspx?id=3742

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

MUD RUN 2010- It was a family thing!

MUD RUN 2010

School pick-ups

I just wanted to share some absolute joy that I get to feel every day! I have been blessed with the opportunity to pick my boys up from school. Every other year they have had to ride a daycare van. Laken, when he walks out of the school, I watch him locate me, and then run a dead sprint to the jeep with the absolute hugest smile on his face. I have never felt more loved!!! He jumps in the back seat and then crawls right up to give me a kiss! Skye, I pick him up at middle school, so I really wasn't sure what to expect out of him, he is so dang cool and all. However, like clockwork he gets in gives me a kiss and tells me he loves me. Right there!!! I hesitated the first time thinking he wasn't really going to give me a kiss.... I am so blessed with boys that are not ashamed to love their mama! I am proud! Now....I don't want them to be weird mamas boys living in my basement at 27...but for now, I couldn't be happier!
Thankful for?!?! Love in my life!

Off week

Today is a scheduled no chemo day! Thank goodness.  The last couple days I have been feeling pretty yucky and have had some trouble with nausea and vomiting. Fortunately I got some rest lastnight because this week is sure to be busy with school and football. I was so blessed to have Dan's dad pick up the boys for baseball lastnight and my mom and dad came over and helped with some of my overdue fix-it projects and yard work. Yesterday I mowed the front yard and got sick. I think it is the heat. I have always been a fan of the hot hot weather, but I guess I just can't tolerate it like I used to. Well...Laken is getting out of school. Gotta run!
What am I thankful for!? My family!

1st day of school!

The project....

Laken Daniel

Amazing boy.

Laken and I spent 6 hours together today, building a dresser, and we did it wrong so we can't when use it, but we high-fived our way through the parts we did right and had a great time working together....much patience and perseverance was shown by both of us! We will figure out how to fix it tomorrow.  I hope.
We also watched a Disney movie that turned out to have kids with a dad, but their mom had died. Laken was able to express his fears to me about the possibily of me dying, and we had a very mature discussion about it. I love that he is able to express his feelings with me. It means the world to me. I only wish Skye was able to do the same. He is much more closed up, emotionally.
What am I thankful for?! Another wonderful day with my children! Though we had some tears with a tough conversation, we were together and many more "I love you's" were exchanged!!! Hope and Love!

See you on the flip side, Mel! Rest In Peace! Love, me.
What am I thankful for!? Mel's strong faith.

Rough night

Trying to sleep tonight, but my back pain just wont let me. Also have my friend Mel on my mind. He is not doing well.  Cancer is rough. Unless you have cancer, I think it is hard to truly understand all the ways it messes up your life. Your health, your relationships, your fears about the future, your career, your ability to walk run jump and play....it is all changed in the blink of an eye.
What am I thankful for!? Time with the boys and an evening with Jayme and Susan.

Scan results and chemo!

The cancer in my lymphnodes is smaller! The bone cancer is not larger! There are no new areas of disease! My pulmonary effusion has resolved!
Today my labs were high enough to get chemo!
What am I thankful for!? A nice dinner and drinks with Jennifer, a fantastic weekend in North Platte, and fun at the saltdogs game with my boys! Thankful that chemo is working! Thankful for all this good fortune! LIFE IS GOOD!!! Focusing on the positives really helps!

Trip to Omaha

Went in for chemo today only to find that my counts were down...no treatment.
Scans will be this Wednesday.
Hopefully chemo next Monday. I would guess everything will depend on the results of my scans.
Thankful for?!?! Quality time with my boys tonight. We were in bed just talking for 2 hours. The things they tell me...I am so blessed.
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Commercial

The boys filmed a short 30 second commercial for Making Strides Against Breast Cancer today! They did a great job and looked so handsome! The walk is in mid-October, so the commercial will start running on 10/11 in about a month! They were initially bummed to be missing the Fremont train with the daycare, but after the taping they said they had fun and were so glad they did it! What nice boys....
What am I thankful for?! A good day with the boys. Now for some relaxing, chemo is kicking in and I am so wiped out.
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CFD Cheyenne WY

Girls trip this weekend was a blast! Thanks Teresa, Michelle, and Angela!
(We missed you Heidi! Hope you and Stevie are feeling smarter after your weekend in Estes!)
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God/Prayer Question

To anyone who believes in a higher power and that would like to comment, what are your thoughts:

So, I have heard that you shouldn't pray for a cure to your disease, you should pray for courage or strength in dealing with it, so that is what I have always done.
Then, I hear that when you pray for courage or strength, God doesn't give you courage or strength, but instead he gives you opportunities to be courageous or to show your strength, I don't want more opportunities to be my courageous....
So, I thank God for all that I am given and for each day that I wake up I thank God for giving me my soul back another day....
But, does anyone have any thoughts on praying for a cure to cancer? What if I pray for a cure for someone else with the same thing I have...I would do that anyway, is that like praying for myself since it would help me too? Are there really all these restrictions on what we can pray for, or should we just talk to God and see what happens...do we go to hell for praying the wrong prayer? What do my friends and family believe on this topic?...I could really use some other peoples thoughts on this.
What am I thankful for? A forum to ask this question.
What would I appreciate? Honest thoughts, written in a respectful way, so as not to purposely hurt others. People won't agree, but out of respect, I ask that if you deside to read the comments and leave a comment of your own, you write it so as to just share your thoughts and not to judge or demean the thoughts and beliefs of others! Thanks!
Sometimes we need to agree to disagree...this is one of those times. HOPE and LOVE!
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Scans

Just realized not too long ago that my scans are coming up in a week or so...getting VERY nervous! More nervous for these scans than I have been for other scans in the last couple years, if you can imagine that. It could be a long couple weeks.
I apologize to the boys and Jayme in advance, because they have to live with me, and by now we all know how I get...
What am I thankful for?! Well, I guess I am thankful that, with the scans, Dr Langdon and I will know what is going on and we will be able to make adjustments accordingly.
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My blood counts were good today, so I was able to get chemo!!! DIE CANCER DIE!!!!

<3 I have the most amazing 'co-workers' on the planet! I am blessed, blessed, blessed, blessed, blessed!!!!! <3
Well, I guess you know what I am thankful for!

No Chemo this week.

I went in for chemotherapy this week, and my blood counts were all to low to get treatment, especially my white count which was 0.9. Normal is between 4-10. Yikes! The doc put me on antibiotics, and I did shots to boost my counts on both Monday and Tuesday. Today I went in and had lab drawn and my counts were back up. My white count is normal, and my red count and platelets are only mildly low.
I am packing for a girls trip this weekend to Cheyenne for Frontier Days! YAY! I leave tomorrow! If my counts didn't go up, they didn't think I should go...thank goodness my bone marrow responds well to the shots they give me! Giddy-up!!!
Right now I am writing this from bed where I am watching the boys sleep. They are so peaceful when they are sleeping. I haven't even left yet, and I am already missing them. I hate going 4 days without them, but they will be with their dad, and he has promised to make them ribs on Saturday, so they are looking forward to that! =)
Thankful for?! Good friends, guardian angels, and my family!
Say a little prayer that I get chemo next Monday!
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