The boys trying on scarves at the Image Recovery Center

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Sunday

I woke up with bad pain in my jaw, the meds aren't lasting all 12 hours. Hopefully they will build up in my system and start working better soon. They kicked in by the time we made it to church, so that was nice. Pastor Greg was talking about a woman in Honduras, where our church does mission work, who had 16 teeth pulled and was so happy and hugging and thanking everyone. I can't imagine the pain she must have been in with all those infected teeth and no medical or dental care! We are so blessed here in the US. What if I had to cope with cancer in a country where I had to live in a 4'X5' shack with dirty water that  made me sicker? I surely would have died in a few short months. I am so blessed to have healthcare, a decent home with clean running water, and electricity. 
After church Laken went with Dan to baseball practice and Skye and I had lunch and then went grocery shopping. We had to wait in the jeep awhile for my food to settle before shopping, but shopping on a nauseated stomach seemed to save me some money. Now we are at Skye's baseball practice till dark and then home for the night.
Dad will be up in the morning to take me to chemotherapy, and since school is out, the boys will be going too. I gave myself a shot yesterday, so hopefully my blood counts will be high enough to get treatment.
Thankful for!? Those individuals that are doing mission work in other countries and also the many that go out in our community and help the less fortunate right here. Skye and I will be helping out Matt Talbot soup kitchen twice this week.

ROCA SCARY FARM 2010

Thankful for!? A great evening with my mom and my boys! FUN, FUN, FUN!!!

Osteonecrosis of the jaw, part II

Well, it was a little over a year ago that my jaw problems started thanks to the drug Zometa. They said that it would likely take from 6 to 18 mo for the bone to fall out and the pain to go away. What they didn't know to tell me was that another area of bone would become exposed just prior to that and that I would be in pain yet again. The pain has worsened over the last couple weeks, and now I am back on prescription pain medications. I really wish I had never taken the Zometa. I just don't think it slowed the progression of cancer in my bones enough to go through these mouth issues.
But, despite that, I am thankful today! Today my friend Mandi found out that her husbands cancer is not progressing. Thank goodness they went to MAYO!

New style...

The one thing I think I managed to do through the last 5 1/2 years of my treatment for metastatic breast cancer was to...not look sick. Most people didn't believe me when I would tell them my cancer story.
Today, I woke up with my bald head and thought to myself...I guess I need to buy a bunch of camo so I can make this look like a style CHOICE, but it wasn't a choice, was it!? Nope, as the hair flew, I thought DAMN CANCER TO HELL!
My only hope is that I can somehow make this "okay" for my boys. I took "funny" pics throughout the shaving process,  I bought hats, scarves, and a wig...I just want them to see me as mom and not see the cancer every time they look at me. Cancer is scary and I don't want them to be scared...not everytime they look at me, anyway. I know we all will be scared at times, I just hope it doesn't take long for us to look past the bald head.
Thankful for!? Heidi, Lori and Steve for making the process lighthearted. They were very good at making me smile and were sensitive to padding my self-esteem. Love you guys with all my heart! (Pics...Not quite ready to post those yet, but they will follow when the time is right.)

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Oncology visit today:

Went to Omaha today. My blood counts are all back up and my white count is very high, which is good for me (it is due to the shots, not an infection).
I was able to get chemo and this next week I will only do one shot on saturday instead of monday, tuesday, and saturday. This should cut down on my bone pain. 
Chemo went pretty well, got sleepy for a bit, but no feeling sick as of now.
Laken had a football game tonight that I was able to go to. He had an interception that he ran for a touchdown!!!
Thankful that I was able to be there to see it!!!! Thankful for my sis who is always checking on me, my mom who brought over food for dinner and enough to freeze, and dad who went with me to chemo! I am lucky to have caring family members who all live so close!
Now for tomorrow? Maybe a smooth new do! My hair is no longer attached...when I run my fingers through it it rains down onto the floor. Might be time to just let it go.
Hope and Love, Tracy

Making Strides 2010

Team PERSEVERANCE PINK

Making Strides Against Breast Cancer 2010! 
Thankful for!?! Wonderful family and friends!!! Thank you everyone!!!

Pink ribbons

Half-way through the month and I am already at the end of my emotional chain when it comes to pink ribbons, "cute" breast symbols on facebook statuses, etc. This month it is constant...all the things I do to forget about my cancer...internet, TV, shop (ok, I never shop, but if I did)...these things are all covered with breast cancer ribbons. Cute little pink ribbons...we should be putting them on baby girls at the hospital, now they represent a disease that I have been fighting without break for 5 1/2 years, and frankly, the disease is winning right now. The disease kills an estimated 40,000 women a year and it is estimated that over 190,000 women are newly diagnosed each year.
It is just too overwhelming. I know I get this way every October. At the beginning of the month it is cool, but then as the month goes on, it is just that 'awareness' once a week all year would be better than 100 times a day for one month. It's not like breast cancer is inactive all the other months. If you need proof, the blog goes way back.
SORRY, I know that isn't very inspiring, or that great attitude that I have been told I have, but that is how I am feeling, and that is what this blog is all about, my life with cancer. 
What am I thankful for!? Ice cream! I think I will have some right now.

Fevers

Was worried about the fevers I have been having.  They come and go.  I talked to the doctors office and they said that they are likely tumor fevers. It has been found that liver tumors can cause fevers with chills in individuals with no evidence of infection. So, while it is not good to have liver tumors, at least I don't have to be worried about these fevers being caused by a dangerous or deadly infection. One less thing to worry about.
Also, the shots I have been taking have raised my white blood cells to almost normal! One more shot on Saturday and I should be good to go for chemo on Monday!
Thankful for!? A good afternoon with the boys, the ability to nap, and a little driveway time.

Jaw

Just leaving the oral surgeon where he took a tool and pulled out a chunk of my jaw bone!
I made it back to the jeep and cranked the air before I had a chance to pass out. It didn't hurt, but it definately made me break out into a sweat. I think I will sit here awhile.
Thankful for!? That bone is no longer cutting up the side of my tongue!

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Leukemia and Lymphoma walk: many blessings

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

BLESSING!

ATTITUDE is everything! *Tracy

BLESSING!

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Did I fail to say below...?

That I am also thankful for the NUMEROUS blessings in my life?! Yep, I am, and they are out there and so thick that I can't begin to name them all in my very tired state of mind. Many of my blessings are in the form of family and friends near and far, surely you all know who you are!!! Love ya! -T

Yet another set back...

Went in for chemotherapy today, and no such luck. Was scheduled for 10 Mondays in a row and made it 2. Perfect. :( No chemo = no cancer killed. Hello!!!!??? I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS!!!!! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME!!!!?????
My red blood cell counts were not quite low enough to get blood...thank you very little (be fine or be low enough to be fixed!).
My white blood cells were basically non-existent. WBC boosting shot today and tomorrow and then lab again on Wednesday. Antibiotics all week to keep infection away since I have nothing to fight back with (seems to be a theme here).
I am disappointed, of course, and at a time when someone I care about has been newly diagnosed with a lymphoma and will hopefully be starting treatment soon, given a "good enough bill of health".  (That part in quotes sounds pretty stupid.) GOOD GAWD ETHEL!!!! STOP THE MADNESS!!!!
Thankful for!? Making Strides Against Breast Cancer this coming Sunday. Registration is at noon. The walk is at 1pm. If I can't fight this breast cancer within my body this week I am sure as hell not going to let an opportunity pass to FIGHT for more breast cancer research, more breast cancer advocacy, and more services to help women just like myself who are stuck in the trenches of a fight they didn't ask for.  There may be pink ribbons on everything from cat food to nail clippers, but there are still women DYING of this disease. Pink isn't pretty to me. It isn't cute. Pink represents a deadly disease that is trying to steel my time with my children...To see them grow....To steal hugs and kisses in the car at school or before bed or any other time of the day.
Knowledge is power!
If you would like to donate or join me in my fight go to

www.makingstrideslincoln.org

You can't take away my cancer or my chemotherapy symptoms, but you can walk beside me and my family or support the American Cancer Society by visiting the website above.

Rough day. Thanks for reading.

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

God spoke to me today

I hate to admit it, but while we have been making it to confirmation every week, we have missed church the last few weeks due to family conflicts, football, and illness..
Then, today, after having been sicker than a dog on thur fri and sat, my symptoms improved such that we were able to make it to church and Laken even insisted on chuch with Skye and I over sunday school which is very unusual.
So, we walked into church...I gave a second glance to a big box of kleenex and decided that I was fine (really!?!?).
The service starts and we come to find that the lesson for today was "When God seems Silent".  How do we deal with storms in our lives, such as a cancer diagnosis or an inability to find employment, when we pray and pray and God doesn't seem to be answering our prayers? The boys and I looked at each other and I knew I should have grabbed those kleenex!
It was a fantastic sermon for all of us, and I am thankful that God lead us there today to hear it!
As for the rest of the day I felt pretty well other than some jaw issues and probably very low hemoglobin. I am hoping they will give me a blood transfusion tomorrow after chemotherapy.
Skye won his last football game tonight and had 2 touchowns! He was the MVP of the game and got a gift certificate from the organization.
The boys and I finished the night with dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings (skyes fav) and ice cream from Zestos. We snuggled and read in our books for over an hour and then they hit the sack.
Unfortunately I took some pain medication for my jaw and will now be awake all night despite also taking a sleeping pill. Brightside- I am getting caught up on facebook. Ha!
What am I thankful for!? A great church, compassionate and intelligent children, and perfect temperatures on this beautiful October day! I love wearing jeans and flip flops!

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Having cancer can make you feel very alone...no matter how many people are around.
It is hard to help someone fight a battle that is being waged within their body...

What am I thankful for?! Bedtime.

The fun new chemo cut! Catch it while you can! =)

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Osteonecrosis of the jaw...

...getting WORSE. This is not a good month!
This makes me sad.
Thankful for!? My boys are opening up about my cancer. I am happy that we are able to discuss these things. Love them! They are my heart!

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Rockin the wig!

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Scan results from today

Today I got my scan results back. The scans showed new cancer spots in my cervical, thoracic, and lumbar spine, also in the sacrum. I have 10 new liver lesions. That is quite a few but they are small and I am OPTIMISTIC!!!
I will continue to take Tykerb (the next generation of drug similar to herceptin) and I will stop the Gemzar and add Taxol. With the addition of Taxol I will have new side effects, with the most exciting one being a 100% chance of complete hairloss. Brightside...I already have a wig that I love and lots of bandanas. Might have to tattoo a pink ribbon on my big bald head and rock it baldy style!!!
THANKFUL FOR!? Other treatment options! Here is hoping my suppressed bone marrow can handle it! HOPE & LOVE!!!

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

More scans tomorrow

I found out on tuesday that the back pain I have been having can be attributed to breast cancer in my spine, at T1-C7.
Aslo, when doing the chest x-ray to see if I had pneumonia or something else going on in my lungs, they accidentally got a look at my liver and found that I have lesions in my liver.
The tests I will have tomorrow will show a better picture of the extent of that disease, and will also look for any other disease in my abdomen and pelvis.
This, obviously is quite a blow, as disease in the liver is very bad news, especially when I am currently receiving chemotherapy.
I called Dan and he was very supportive as the tears flowed. We are both pretty upset, and of course, worried about the kids.
I decided to tell my sister and parents first and sleep on it a night before telling the kids.
I told the kids lastnight before dinner. They have been told so many times that it almost didn't affect them outwardly this time. Of course we all internalize a lot in this family, so you never really know. They know this time will be harder than all the rest, and Skye had some good questions. Laken usually has to sit on it for awhile and then gets emotional.
I meet with the doctor on Monday to decide what the next step is going to be and in the mean time I wait....I HATE THAT!
I don't know if I am losing my mind or what, but I think I can feel that my liver is enlarged. The sensation is driving me crazy. I am going to have to find something to do this weekend so I don't spontaniously combust!
Thankful for?!?! All the friends and family that are out there supporting me and my family and praying for us! Your outpouring of love is amazing and appreciated!

Make a donation to FIGHT BREAST CANCER!

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/MakingStridesAgainstBreastCancer/MSABCFY11HighPlains?team_id=757055&pg=team&fr_id=28092

Chemo was a bust yesterday.

Friday I was running a low grade fever, I thought it might just be a fever for Toby Keith and Trace, but I called the doc to be on the safe side. (They take fevers very seriously when you are on chemotherapy.) I told them about the fever and because we thought the answer might be an infection in my jaw, they switched up my antibiotics and said I could go to the concert. Even though I had seen Toby in concert before my ticket wasnt cheap, so I really didn't want to not use it. I went to the concert and had to sit every so often from just being weak, but I had a good time hanging with Heidi, and of course Trace and Toby were fantastic! 
Saturday morning my fever was still there and I had some awful back pain in the area of my previous cancer and radiation. Luckily I have pain meds on hand for things like this. So, I loaded up with meds and rode along with my sister to get her tattoo. It is beautiful! It is a little overwhelming to see your sis get a tattoo for you though! I love her! She is the best sister ever!
After I got back I crashed on the couch and my fever continued to rise.
Sunday, my fever was going up and down with the aid of tylenol and my back was still a mess, so my mom came and spent the day with me and then took me to Omaha on Monday to see the oncologist.
Doc said that I couldn't have my chemo because my white blood counts were too low and because of my ongoing fever. So, they are running cultures on my blood, did a CT of my chest because of weakness and shortness of breath, and did an MRI of my spine.
So now, I wait....
What am I Thankful for!? The thunderstorm that is rolling through right now!

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

My sissy's new tat!

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

My sissy's new tat!

My sissy's new tat!

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Tattoo

So, tonight I was telling the boys that for my cancer anniversary tattoo I was going to get a tattoo of their names in the shape of a heart because (like I always tell them) they are my heart.
So, I say "Where should I put the tattoo?" and my son replys "Put it on your arm, then we can be your heart and your strength!"
AWWWWW!
What am I thankful for!? AMAZING children! They are my heart AND my strength! They are what I live for and they are my hope. I am also thankful for cucumber lemonade! Yummo!!!!

Update on the health stuff...

Back on my medication and the withdrawal side effects are gone. That is a huge relief.
Went and had my jaw checked out, and it is infected. So antibiotics and antibiotic mouthwash for that! Hoping that clears soon. No fun. I did have x-rays taken and the bone that is exposed seems to be moving. Hopefully that will continue and the bone will fall out and that area will close up. Unfortunately that is not the area that keeps getting infected.
Tomorrow is a chemo break, so the lightheadedness and weakness of this weekend will soon be history!
Thankful for!? Mom and Kody coming and working on my yard. Love you guys!

Last years SKYDIVE!!

http://www.acsnebraska.org/2010/07/lincoln-sport-parachute-club-teams-up-with-acs-for-skydiving-event.html

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Chemo Day

Yesterday was a chemo day, and my blood counts were high enough to receive it! YAY! I have been giving myself a shot the day before chemo to help with my white blood cell production, and it seems to be helping!
This weekend I unintentionally went off one of my medications because I ran out and wasn't able to get a refill till yesterday... let's just say it was one of the longest weekends of my life.... pain, crying, hot flashes, throwing up, decreased patience, I WAS SO SICK OF ME!!!! On the flip side, I hated being so sick in front of the kids, but they were so sweet. Laken gave me a million kisses and if I cried over spilled milk, Skye would just rub my head and say calm down, calm down, we don't want your mascara to run! Made me laugh every time! We all knew tues would be better and we made it through!
Thankful for?! My medical family for bringing ME back!!! And those little guardian angels in my life (even when they are naughty)!!!

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

My boys on game day!!!

GO BIG RED!!!

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Good Advice!

Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.
(Quote by:James Dean)

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Love Will Smith!!!

Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too.
(Quote by:Will Smith)

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

www.cancer.org

The American Cancer Society has the latest information and resources for individuals with ANY type of cancer! Check them out! The site is helpful for patients, caregivers, and friends of cancer patients.

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Thyroid cancer awareness month!

Thyroid cancer has a good survival rate!!!! Know the warning signs!!!

http://www.thyca.org/awareness.htm

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

Prostate cancer awareness month!

Barack Obama just signed a proclamation making September 2010 Natl Prostate Cancer Awareness Month!
If you know someone battling prostate cancer, then you know it isn't easy and there are still men suffering and dying from this disease! Remind the loved men in your life to be screened!

http://m.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2010/08/31/presidential-proclamation-national-prostate-cancer-awareness-month

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

OVARIAN CANCER AWARENESS MONTH!

In honor of those surviving ovarian cancer and in memory of those who lost the fight. Hope and Peace!

http://www.ovariancancerawareness.org/home.aspx

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

CHILDHOOD CANCER AWARENESS MONTH!

Lil Ben, I never met you, but I know you are loved and missed by many!

http://www.curesearch.org/support_curesearch/raise_awareness/index.aspx?id=3742

ATTITUDE is everything!  *Tracy

MUD RUN 2010- It was a family thing!

MUD RUN 2010

School pick-ups

I just wanted to share some absolute joy that I get to feel every day! I have been blessed with the opportunity to pick my boys up from school. Every other year they have had to ride a daycare van. Laken, when he walks out of the school, I watch him locate me, and then run a dead sprint to the jeep with the absolute hugest smile on his face. I have never felt more loved!!! He jumps in the back seat and then crawls right up to give me a kiss! Skye, I pick him up at middle school, so I really wasn't sure what to expect out of him, he is so dang cool and all. However, like clockwork he gets in gives me a kiss and tells me he loves me. Right there!!! I hesitated the first time thinking he wasn't really going to give me a kiss.... I am so blessed with boys that are not ashamed to love their mama! I am proud! Now....I don't want them to be weird mamas boys living in my basement at 27...but for now, I couldn't be happier!
Thankful for?!?! Love in my life!

Off week

Today is a scheduled no chemo day! Thank goodness.  The last couple days I have been feeling pretty yucky and have had some trouble with nausea and vomiting. Fortunately I got some rest lastnight because this week is sure to be busy with school and football. I was so blessed to have Dan's dad pick up the boys for baseball lastnight and my mom and dad came over and helped with some of my overdue fix-it projects and yard work. Yesterday I mowed the front yard and got sick. I think it is the heat. I have always been a fan of the hot hot weather, but I guess I just can't tolerate it like I used to. Well...Laken is getting out of school. Gotta run!
What am I thankful for!? My family!

1st day of school!

The project....

Laken Daniel

Amazing boy.

Laken and I spent 6 hours together today, building a dresser, and we did it wrong so we can't when use it, but we high-fived our way through the parts we did right and had a great time working together....much patience and perseverance was shown by both of us! We will figure out how to fix it tomorrow.  I hope.
We also watched a Disney movie that turned out to have kids with a dad, but their mom had died. Laken was able to express his fears to me about the possibily of me dying, and we had a very mature discussion about it. I love that he is able to express his feelings with me. It means the world to me. I only wish Skye was able to do the same. He is much more closed up, emotionally.
What am I thankful for?! Another wonderful day with my children! Though we had some tears with a tough conversation, we were together and many more "I love you's" were exchanged!!! Hope and Love!

See you on the flip side, Mel! Rest In Peace! Love, me.
What am I thankful for!? Mel's strong faith.

Rough night

Trying to sleep tonight, but my back pain just wont let me. Also have my friend Mel on my mind. He is not doing well.  Cancer is rough. Unless you have cancer, I think it is hard to truly understand all the ways it messes up your life. Your health, your relationships, your fears about the future, your career, your ability to walk run jump and play....it is all changed in the blink of an eye.
What am I thankful for!? Time with the boys and an evening with Jayme and Susan.

Scan results and chemo!

The cancer in my lymphnodes is smaller! The bone cancer is not larger! There are no new areas of disease! My pulmonary effusion has resolved!
Today my labs were high enough to get chemo!
What am I thankful for!? A nice dinner and drinks with Jennifer, a fantastic weekend in North Platte, and fun at the saltdogs game with my boys! Thankful that chemo is working! Thankful for all this good fortune! LIFE IS GOOD!!! Focusing on the positives really helps!

Trip to Omaha

Went in for chemo today only to find that my counts were down...no treatment.
Scans will be this Wednesday.
Hopefully chemo next Monday. I would guess everything will depend on the results of my scans.
Thankful for?!?! Quality time with my boys tonight. We were in bed just talking for 2 hours. The things they tell me...I am so blessed.
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

Commercial

The boys filmed a short 30 second commercial for Making Strides Against Breast Cancer today! They did a great job and looked so handsome! The walk is in mid-October, so the commercial will start running on 10/11 in about a month! They were initially bummed to be missing the Fremont train with the daycare, but after the taping they said they had fun and were so glad they did it! What nice boys....
What am I thankful for?! A good day with the boys. Now for some relaxing, chemo is kicking in and I am so wiped out.
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

CFD Cheyenne WY

Girls trip this weekend was a blast! Thanks Teresa, Michelle, and Angela!
(We missed you Heidi! Hope you and Stevie are feeling smarter after your weekend in Estes!)
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

God/Prayer Question

To anyone who believes in a higher power and that would like to comment, what are your thoughts:

So, I have heard that you shouldn't pray for a cure to your disease, you should pray for courage or strength in dealing with it, so that is what I have always done.
Then, I hear that when you pray for courage or strength, God doesn't give you courage or strength, but instead he gives you opportunities to be courageous or to show your strength, I don't want more opportunities to be my courageous....
So, I thank God for all that I am given and for each day that I wake up I thank God for giving me my soul back another day....
But, does anyone have any thoughts on praying for a cure to cancer? What if I pray for a cure for someone else with the same thing I have...I would do that anyway, is that like praying for myself since it would help me too? Are there really all these restrictions on what we can pray for, or should we just talk to God and see what happens...do we go to hell for praying the wrong prayer? What do my friends and family believe on this topic?...I could really use some other peoples thoughts on this.
What am I thankful for? A forum to ask this question.
What would I appreciate? Honest thoughts, written in a respectful way, so as not to purposely hurt others. People won't agree, but out of respect, I ask that if you deside to read the comments and leave a comment of your own, you write it so as to just share your thoughts and not to judge or demean the thoughts and beliefs of others! Thanks!
Sometimes we need to agree to disagree...this is one of those times. HOPE and LOVE!
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

Scans

Just realized not too long ago that my scans are coming up in a week or so...getting VERY nervous! More nervous for these scans than I have been for other scans in the last couple years, if you can imagine that. It could be a long couple weeks.
I apologize to the boys and Jayme in advance, because they have to live with me, and by now we all know how I get...
What am I thankful for?! Well, I guess I am thankful that, with the scans, Dr Langdon and I will know what is going on and we will be able to make adjustments accordingly.
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

My blood counts were good today, so I was able to get chemo!!! DIE CANCER DIE!!!!

<3 I have the most amazing 'co-workers' on the planet! I am blessed, blessed, blessed, blessed, blessed!!!!! <3
Well, I guess you know what I am thankful for!

No Chemo this week.

I went in for chemotherapy this week, and my blood counts were all to low to get treatment, especially my white count which was 0.9. Normal is between 4-10. Yikes! The doc put me on antibiotics, and I did shots to boost my counts on both Monday and Tuesday. Today I went in and had lab drawn and my counts were back up. My white count is normal, and my red count and platelets are only mildly low.
I am packing for a girls trip this weekend to Cheyenne for Frontier Days! YAY! I leave tomorrow! If my counts didn't go up, they didn't think I should go...thank goodness my bone marrow responds well to the shots they give me! Giddy-up!!!
Right now I am writing this from bed where I am watching the boys sleep. They are so peaceful when they are sleeping. I haven't even left yet, and I am already missing them. I hate going 4 days without them, but they will be with their dad, and he has promised to make them ribs on Saturday, so they are looking forward to that! =)
Thankful for?! Good friends, guardian angels, and my family!
Say a little prayer that I get chemo next Monday!
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

And the sun comes up after another Relay! Amen!
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to all those that CELEBRATED, REMEMBERED, and pledged to FIGHT BACK!
Thankful for?! Dan driving to Des Moines, I brought my pillow!
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

Haymarket Park Relay For Life

Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

Haymarket Park Relay For Life

Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

RELAY HAS STARTED!!!

Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

Watched a FANTASTIC game by the DAWGS! WAY TO GO BOYS!!! Skye had great hits and did well as catcher!!! You make me proud, Kid!

On the road again! Rollin towards Lincoln to get our Relay on!!!

Thankful for?! A full life! We only get one chance...let's now waste our time!!!
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

Fun with the Dawgs/Preparing for Relay

Well, I have been in Des Moines since lunch time on Wednesday with Skyes baseball team! We are having a GREAT time! Skyes team all did well in the skills competitions on Wednesday night and today they won both of their games!!! GO DAWGS! Skye had his debut as catcher, and he did a great job! He loves it...he likes to be bossy!

Made it up to the room tonight to shower and make calls to check on how Relay preparations are going! Sounds likes things are going well, and if the weather cooperates, I will be happy! I hope a lot of people come out, Relay veterans and newbies! Relay is very much a time to Celebrate, Remember, and Fight Back! I am so thankful that I found Relay when I did. The people that Relay connects you with are such great sources of inspiration, encouragement, and HOPE!

I am so thankful to be a part of such an event! ....And so thankful for all my team members who are at home right now making luminaries and packing their trunks with tents, coolers, fundraising items, and overnight supplies! Don't forget your ipods and walking shoes!
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

Cluck Off!

Story:
New National Cluck-Off champion crowned

Larry Pankoke of Lincoln ended the 11-year reign of Del Hampton of Fort Smith, Ark., by winning the 2010 National Cluck-Off title Saturday during Wayne Chicken Show activities at Bressler Park.

Click on the video to see the winning "clucker."

For more of this story, click on or type the URL below:

http://mywaynenews.com/articles/2010/07/10/video/doc4c39014a719ab750683221.txt

JUST MAKES ME SMILE!

Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

BUSY DAY!

Today I went to Omaha and had my lab drawn. My counts were FANTASTIC! YAY! So, I was able to get chemo! That feels great (mentally, not physically)!
Then, I worked on Relay stuff (got to see Brandy, Angie, Lori, Ronda, Jackie, Mary etc) because BANK NIGHT was tonight!
And finally, I ended the night with a great great conversation with Jayme! We laughed, we cried, and then we laughed again! Goodnight, Moon!

Thankful for?! Larry (an acquaintance through my friend Betty, who has been a Relay supporter), winning the Wayne Chicken Days Click Off!!! How fun! I will send a link to my BLOG!
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

Lastnight's Relay in Utica

Wow, lastnight's Relay was both fun and emotional. I sort of just expected to run out there, have a little fun and come home, but it ended up being quite the experience.

The boys and I went to Utica to support my home county's Relay. It was nice to be able to do that this year. It is usually scheduled for either the weekend of my Relay at Haymarket Park or the weekend of my annual trip to Cheyenne Frontier Days! Geesh! Don't they know I am busy?! HA! Anyway, Dan's mom is on the committee, so it is nice to go out and see her Relay event in action and to participate in a Relay that is not quite so CRAZY BUSY as ours is!!! But, what I found is that when you slow it all down, you have a better chance at getting personal, which is exactly what we did. They gave everyone who wanted to, the opportunity to say who they Relay in memory of or in honor of...I went up and said I relay for a couple of friends that have passed away due to this dreaded disease, my nephew went up and said he Relays in honor of me, Dan's mom went up and said she Relays in memory of her mother and in honor of me, and then came Laken....out of no where, my shy in the bigtime spotlight, Laken, goes up....takes the mic....and says (with voice cracking) that he Relays in honor of his mom...and then starts crying. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?! Now we are all crying, me, Laken, Rosemary, oh what have I done....maybe we should have stayed home. We all hugged for awhile right there, and then Laken and I went for a walk around the dark track where we ended up having an AMAZING mother and son conversation that one would never expect to occur with an 8 year old. I no longer wonder if we should have went. It was a bonding time that we will never forget! I LOVE YOU LAKEN! (Skye, I love you too, but I am thankful that you were playing basketball in the gym and missed the whole thing! One upset child at a time please! Thank you!)

Then, we all proceeded to have a GREAT time...Laken and I won the water balloon toss, they had a foot race, a frozen t-shirt contest (Skye got 2nd in that), Skye ran a mile on the track, little Tiki won a cake in his very first cake walk, and all in all, we had a lot of fun!

Thankful for?! Those times when we get to tell people how much they really mean to us!

Seward Co Relay For Life

Seward Co Relay For Life

Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

Seward Co Relay For Life

Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

Seward Co Relay For Life

Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

Seward Co Relay For Life

Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

Seward Co Relay For Life

Seward Co Relay For Life

Moment in time

Sitting in my lawnchair...my mind is racing 100 mph, yet I look out at the trees across the street and nothing is moving. How can that be? Can the world just go on as if nothing is happening to me? Can it be SO LOUD inside my head, yet SILENT around me? There are no mowers, no cars, no people talking... I see an ant tip-toeing across the drive and a butterfly silently floating through the air... it is as if I have gone deaf to the world around me.
A bird sings out and breaks the silence... Oh, thank God, I am not going crazy!
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

More good news for some breast cancer patients!

Revolutionary therapy slows tumor growth in advanced breast cancer, Penn research reports
New strategy holds promise for fewer patient side effects
PHILADELPHIA - A novel therapy designed to attack tumors in patients with a genetic mutation in either BRCA1 or BRCA2, slowed tumor growth in 85 percent of advanced breast cancer patients treated in a small study, researchers report in the July 6 issue of the Lancet.

"That is really an enormous response rate in a population of patients who have received a median of three prior therapies," says study co-author Susan M. Domchek, MD, associate professor of Medicine, University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine, and director of the Cancer Risk Evaluation Program at Penn's Abramson Cancer Center.

"This is the first time that we have been able to take the genetic reason a person has developed cancer and make it a target," Domchek says. "Most of the time we look at what is going on in the tumor itself and then figure out how to target it. But in this situation, the women all had an inherited mutation in either the BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene and we could exploit that weakness in the tumor. It is a strategy that may cause fewer side effects for patients."

The new agent, called olaparib, inhibits a protein called poly(ADP-ribose) polymerase (PARP). Both PARP and the BRCA proteins are involved in DNA repair. And while cells seem to be able to do without one or the other, inhibiting PARP in a tumor that lacks a BRCA gene is too much for the cells, and causes them to die.

"If you put too much stress on the cancer cell, it can't take it and it falls apart," Domchek says. Because the non-tumor cells in a patient with an inherited BRCA mutation still retain one normal copy of the BRCA gene, they are relatively unaffected by PARP inhibition. "These drugs may be very potent in tumor cells and much less toxic in normal cells. That is important from the perspective of cancer treatment," Domchek says.

The international study enrolled 54 patients in two groups. The first group of 27 women received 400 mg oral olaparib twice daily and the second group of 27 patients received 100 mg oral olaparib twice daily. The higher dose appeared to have more activity against the disease, with one patient (4%) having a complete resolution of her tumor and ten (37%) showing substantial tumor shrinkage. Another 12 (44%) women had stable disease or some tumor shrinkage, but not enough to be considered a partial response by standard criteria. In the low dose group, six (22%) patients showed substantial shrinkage and 12 (44%) had some tumor shrinkage or stable disease.

Although the results look good thus far, Domchek says more clinical trials will be necessary before olaparib or other PARP inhibitors in development will be ready for use in regular practice. "It is important for patients to join those clinical trials because we need to determine how best to use these drugs, on their own or in combination with other agents," she said. "And we need to establish definitively that they are better than other drugs."

The PARP inhibitors are a transition in the field of cancer drug development. "This is a different way of looking at cancer therapeutics," Domchek says. "In oncology, this is really one of the first times that we've seen drugs being developed on the basis of inherited susceptibility - and that may open up a whole new avenue of drug development."
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

Relay!

I made it to the last team captain meeting and was so happy to see everyone and feel the good, positive energy! I was definately needing that after chemo today! I feel so blessed to have Relay in my life!!!
It was also good to see the 4 Borer blonds!!! Love you Girls!
Update on Relay: I still have $280 to raise in order to reach my GOAL! So, if you are still wanting to donate, scroll down to my link!
Update on Chemo: My lab was good this week, so I was able to get my Gemzar today (at the reduced dosage). Talked to the PA a lot about my chemo and dosages since I am on a lot less chemo than they had initially prescribed, and there really isn't anything else to do right now due to my bone marrow not tolerating the treatments. Okay...
Thankful for?! Chemo today.
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

Celebration Dawg Pile!!!

Thankful for?!?! Sons who love each other so much!!! My heart is bursting with happiness and love!
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

NE Diamond Dawgs!!!

I have two of them now!!!
Congrats Laken on making the NE Diamond Dawg 8's team!!! I am so proud!
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

Happy 4th of July

I hope you all had a Happy and Safe 4th of July!!!
Thankful for?! My freedoms and the men and women that fight for those freedoms! Thank you!!!
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

Tonight Jayme, the kids, and I headed over to Misty's for wing night with friends! It was a nice time, and was great to get out. Misty's has the best food and one bloody mary never hurt anyone, right?! After that we came home and watered the flowers and garden. We picked the first greenbeans of the season (we are a little behind you, Julie K) and we were able to beat the ground squirrel to a red tomato! He has been getting the red cherry tomatoes as they ripen. He eats half and then I find the other half in the yard. The garden is doing great and Laken is still excited about it. We have a ton of tomatoes on, so when they riped we won't be able to eat them all!
I am really having a tough time with my hair thinning like it is. The slow daily torcher of waking with hair on the pillow and having it come out in the shower is starting to wear on me. I am lucky I still have a lot of hair and most people can't tell, but for me it is very noticeable and I am beginning to be more comfortable in a hat or bandana.
I am off all my pain medication! I am proud of that! I was very nervous about becoming addicted and I was on pretty strong stuff (20mg of OxycontinCR in the morning and 20 mg at night), so being able to wean off is a great feeling!
What am I thankful for? My time with the boys and wing night! =)
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

VIDEO - Why we Relay | RelayForLife.org

VIDEO - Why we Relay RelayForLife.org: http://www.relayforlife.org/relay/trackback/121

Please watch....PLEASE understand. It only takes 3 minutes out of your life to understand what Relay means to so many people, including me. These and or similair words have come out of my mouth so many times. HOPE and LOVE!
What am I thankful for?!
These individuals, for putting themselves out there to help others understand!

The American Cancer Society - 2010 Relay For Life Lincoln Haymarket Park NE:

The American Cancer Society - 2010 Relay For Life Lincoln Haymarket Park NE:

I am again raising money for the American Cancer Society by participating in the Relay For Life with my family and friends!

Please go to the link above to track our fundraising efforts, to sign up for our team, to create your own team, or to donate to help our team raise money towards a CURE!!!!

40% of the funds raised from this event will go to researchers nationwide. The other 60% will be used right here in our state to help cancer patients like myself with transportation to treatment, obtain wigs and other products to help cope with the physical changes of cancer, and provides literature on the cancer diagnosis, treatment options, and issues within the family. These are just a few of the resources that the ACS provides.

My team and I will be walking the track at Haymarket Park for 12 hours- from 7pm on July 16th till the morning of July 17th! Below I am including information on what this walk represents. This and much more information can be found at relayforlife.org and cancer.org.

Please help me give back to an organization that has help me with so so so much!!!

Relay For Life
"Cancer Does Not Stop For Nighttime"

"Relay For Life is an 18 hour journey providing the light and dark of day and night to parallel the physical effects, emotions, and mental state of a cancer patient while undergoing treatment.

Relay For Life begins during the day, when the sun is shining bright and the excitement and energy is flowing through the community. The setting sun symbolizes the time when a patient is diagnosed with cancer. The day is getting darker and this represents the cancer patient's state of mind as he or she feels that life is coming to an end.

As the evening goes on it gets colder and darker, just as the emotions of the cancer patient does. Around 1:ooam to 2:00 am represents the time when the cancer patient starts treatment. They become exhausted, some sick, not wanting to go on, possibly wanting to give up. as a participant, you have been walking and feel much the same way. You are tired, want to sleep, maybe even want to go home, but you cannot stop or give up.

Around 4:00am to 5:00am symbolizes the coming of the end of treatment for the cancer patient. Once again they are tired, but they know they will make it.

The sun rising represents the end of treatment for the cancer patient. They see the light at the end of the tunnel and know that life will go on. The morning light brings on a new day full of life and excitement for new beginnings for the cancer patient. As a participant, you will feel the brightness of the morning and know that the end of the RELAY is close at hand.

When you leave the Relay, think of the cancer patient leaving their last treatment. Just as you are exhausted and weak, so is that person after treatment. But a new day has arrived and we are continuing to take up the fight against cancer. REMEMBER: There is no finish line until we find a cure."

I have not yet had the sun come up on my cancer journey. For the last 5 years I have been in some type of cancer treatment, be it chemotherapy, biological therapy, or radiation. I have not yet been able to feel the realization that I am going to be okay. I live my life in that 1-2am timeframe.

I will continue to fight in memory of my friends that have DIED from cancer, those that will never see the light of day again, and for myself and others who have not yet seen the light of day that represents remission or a cure for cancer.

What am I thankful for?!?! Relayers all over the world!

Virus-based drug attacks cancer cells

Virus-based drug attacks cancer cells

Hair.

As I drove the jeep with the top off today, I could see my hair floating out the top.
I decided I am going to wear a bandana from now on.
What am I thankful for?! A night of fireworks with the boys and a hotdog and marshmellow roast with the boys and my parents. I had a WONDERFUL night in Goehner!!!
I am so thankful for this time off of work. I used to be too tired to do things like this in the evening.
Love you Mom, Dad, Skye, and Laken!
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

Bad News

Went in for Gemzar today and my counts were too low to give it to me.

Not a good sign if my blood marrow can't even handle what little chemo I have been reduced too.

Cancer sucks.

What am I thankful for?! Deanne and Matt. Thanks for being there! (...and Dad and the boys)
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

Fantastic Weekend!

This was a great weekend! Spent Thursday helping Lori with the Lucky 7 run, spent Friday with the boys and worked on the Lucky 7, and Saturday the run was a HUGE success! Skye and Laken ran the 1 mile race! Skye got 2nd place behind an NCAA runner, who he kept up with for the first half mile! And then got to take the 1st place prize money! Laken ran amazingly well! I just didn't know those little legs could move so fast!
Skye won one of his two baseball games this weekend and Laken won his game!
The Lucky 7 was on the 10/11 news which can be seen on www.1011now.com, or there is a link to it on my FB page! Good press! After this run, I am now on a mission to find a runner who owns a business that would like to sponsor chip timing for our race next year! We had some fantastic runners out in the park this year and to have chip timing would only make things so much better! Awards would be easier and such accurate times would save us a lot of stress and occasionally some confusion! Runners and race directors both love chip timing! SO....if you know the perfect person for me to contact PLEASE let me know. The perfect person would be someone with a business we could promote with our run, $$ to donate to the chip timing system, and they would must likely enjoy running.
Chemo is tomorrow. Bummer.
What am I thankful for?! Met some cool people this weekend and had some fun! HOPE and LOVE!
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

Update

They are going to stop that nasty chemo (carbo)and just give me more of the other one. YAY! Gonna keep my hair again, I think! I hope!
So, Gemzar every Monday for 3 weeks (gonna have to get better nausea meds) and then one week off. I will also continue to take the oral chemo, Tykerb, daily.
Thankful for?!?! No more hospital visits in the near future! (Fingers crossed!) My doc is the best! He always takes into consideration quality of life and not just knockin me out with hard hits that aren't going to "cure" me anyway. Working on keeping me 'stable'! My next scans will be the first week of August. So, from now till then, pray that the Gemzar does the trick!
HOPE and LOVE!
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

A mess...

As the hours count down and chemo gets closer, I am much less positive about having to go up to Omaha tomorrow. I figure that is a lot of the reason that I gave been crying all day. Well, that and the fact that my boys aren't with me today. I never know what to do with myself. I miss their snuggles and how they make me laugh. I can't stand the silence! However, they are with their daddy on Father's Day, and that is VERY important!
I got a letter from the lab saying that my blood work from Monday showed I was a little anemic, but other than that it looked pretty good! YAY! No wonder I have been having such a great week. I guess that is what makes it double hard to go to chemo tomorrow. I will just have to cross my fingers and hope that this time it will be better. It is always possible!
I did get Skye's room cleaned today, so that was productive for me! (Laken's room is always clean!) Hopefully he will enjoy going in there again!
Today has been movie day! Jayms and I watched 'Valentine's Day' and 'Sherlock Holmes'.

What am a thankful for?! My DADDY!!! Happy Father's Day, Dad!! ...and both my grandpas, and all you other DADS out there! Love ya!!! XO
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

Typical Saturday (?)

Today I got up, went and watched Skye play baseball, cheered as his team won and he made some great hits, I picked out a wig, and then watched Skye win another game while Laken played with other kids in the background.
Just a typical Saturday, huh?
Not really. How many other moms rushed over to Bravados over lunch to try on 12-15 wigs in ever shape and color in anticipation of losing their hair? I was actually much more emotional as I did this in 2005. This time it was easier (my eyes welled up with tears once, but not one tear dropped)...perspective plays a big role, and I have 5 years of perspective behind me. Besides, my hair is already thinning to the point that I am uncomfortable with what I see in the mirror. Not that it should matter, but I don't like the way it looks, and that does bother me.
So, now I feel prepared, if that is possible. I call the insurance company on Monday to see what % they will pay of my "hair prosthesis" (ie. Wig), give Bravados my wig rx from my doctor and I will be good to go...all ready for my hair to fall out! Then I can officially look as sick and crappy as I feel much of the time. Speaking of feeling crappy, Monday is when I get Carboplatin again (the nasty chemo) that has landed me in the hospital 2 out of 2 times- once for a blood transfusion and once for high fevers. Happy Happy Joy Joy. I don't mean to complain, but it is really hard to get psyched up for that!

What am I thankful for?! My supportive baseball moms (and dads)! I am also thankful for Skye's comment when he saw me in the wig for the first time, "You look sooo young!". My response, "SOLD!!!" Laken, he was just surprised to see It wasn't PINK! Oh dear! Hope and Love!
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

Successful!

Well, It has now been 5 days since my treatment, so I must not be getting any sicker than this! YAY! Feeling great other than some nausea when I try to eat, but the meds fix that! Mildly tired, but truckin right along! Gemzar weeks are gonna be good! Out of town for baseball this weekend (shocking, I know!) and having a good time! The Dawgs won their game tonight!
Rocking a new haircut... since my hair is thinning, I thought a shorter look might be in order.

Thankful for?! My blackberry. The boys have been asleep for a couple hours, and if it wasn't for this phone I would be bored out of my mind!
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

So far...

...I am not doing too bad since my Gemzar treatment on Monday. I have been sick to my stomach, but not throwing up and still (almost) able to keep up with the kids! Today was the library, the park, and pitching practice in the back yard!
What am I thankful for?! The company of my BFF! I like having a roommate! Thanks for hanging with me tonight when I was not feeling so great.
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

How did I forget?!

I was so focused on how my trip to chemo went that I forget to say THANK YOU to my Relay committee and perseverance team captains and friends who sent the boys and I HUGE gift cards and to my mom and grandmas for there help to make this summer go a lot easier! I don't know exactly how to express how thankful I truely am! Being off work for a while was an extremely difficult/scary decision to make (albeit the right one) and this makes that decision a little less scary.

THANK YOU ALL FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART! <3

Thankful for?! This Tracy's Angels!!! xoxo! And...Happy Tears!
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

Did it!

Today was pretty successful! I didn't get Gemzar last week like I had (kinda) hoped, but I did get to make it up today! The only thing that was kinda bad today, is that I only got 65% of the dosage due to low platelets. My stomach is pretty upset, but otherwise I am doing okay!
Yesterday the boys and I went swimming!!! Awesome! And tonight Laken won his third ball game 20 to 9!

Thankful for?! QUALITY TIME!!!!!!
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

My protectors!

Was going through my photos and just HAD to put this up! Too cute! Don't mess with me, or you will have to deal with them!!!
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

Summer Fun

Life is good!!!!
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

Gift

A couple days ago I was given a gift of money so that I would be able to stay home from work for a while to work on getting better and to spend quality time with my children!

I was very scared to do this, but today I decided to go for it. I am going to spend time with my kids, reduce my stress, and work on doing everything my doctor wants me to do so that I can be here for as long as possible. The treatments are difficult, but this break from work will allow me to rest when I need to rest and maybe try some other more holistic treatments as well.

Thankful for?! Angels Among Us!
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

Sleepless in Lincoln

Today was an amazing day!!!

1st thing this morning an angel dropped the most super fantastic opportunity in my lap! I have a lot of thinking to do on this, and then I will share more details!

Then, I went out to dinner with my mom, grandmother, Dan and the kids! That was nice and easy going! Thanks for dinner, Grandma Leff!

Finally, grandma, Dan, Skye and I went to Laken's first baseball game of the season! They won (big time) and Laken did a great job! It was also great to see that Bryson is on Laken's team, so I will be able to keep up with Bridget now!

Thankful for?! HUGE SURPRISES!!! RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS! And, other than fatigue, I felt pretty good today! No nausea, so I even ate pretty well too!
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

Good News/Bad News

The good news is...I know I won't be feeling any worse over the next few days, because I didn't get chemo today.

The bad news is...My cancer is not being treated, because I didn't get chemo today.

It is hard to be disappointed when they say I don't have to put that poison into my body. I don't want to get sick! I don't want to be stuck in the hospital or stuck at home in bed, BUT...not getting chemo means more time for my cancer to grow or spread to more dangerous places, like my liver. I want a long life, but I don't want it to be a miserable one. Where is the line between quantity and quality. When is the quality so bad that you are willing to give up quantity to feel better?

Well, I have until next Monday to ponder these great questions, and then I will meet with the doc to have lab done and determine where we go from here. Do we keep trying this, changing the dosing and scheduling? Do we try a different chemo? Do we wait more?

For now, I don't know those answer.

Thankful for?! Daylight Thunderstorms! LOVE THEM! I love watching the storms roll in and out and the fresh smell of rain!
I should have ran and jumped in the puddles! I did swerve a couple times to hit some BIG puddles with the Jeep, that probably counts!
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel