Rough night

Trying to sleep tonight, but my back pain just wont let me. Also have my friend Mel on my mind. He is not doing well.  Cancer is rough. Unless you have cancer, I think it is hard to truly understand all the ways it messes up your life. Your health, your relationships, your fears about the future, your career, your ability to walk run jump and play....it is all changed in the blink of an eye.
What am I thankful for!? Time with the boys and an evening with Jayme and Susan.

Scan results and chemo!

The cancer in my lymphnodes is smaller! The bone cancer is not larger! There are no new areas of disease! My pulmonary effusion has resolved!
Today my labs were high enough to get chemo!
What am I thankful for!? A nice dinner and drinks with Jennifer, a fantastic weekend in North Platte, and fun at the saltdogs game with my boys! Thankful that chemo is working! Thankful for all this good fortune! LIFE IS GOOD!!! Focusing on the positives really helps!

Trip to Omaha

Went in for chemo today only to find that my counts were down...no treatment.
Scans will be this Wednesday.
Hopefully chemo next Monday. I would guess everything will depend on the results of my scans.
Thankful for?!?! Quality time with my boys tonight. We were in bed just talking for 2 hours. The things they tell me...I am so blessed.
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Commercial

The boys filmed a short 30 second commercial for Making Strides Against Breast Cancer today! They did a great job and looked so handsome! The walk is in mid-October, so the commercial will start running on 10/11 in about a month! They were initially bummed to be missing the Fremont train with the daycare, but after the taping they said they had fun and were so glad they did it! What nice boys....
What am I thankful for?! A good day with the boys. Now for some relaxing, chemo is kicking in and I am so wiped out.
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CFD Cheyenne WY

Girls trip this weekend was a blast! Thanks Teresa, Michelle, and Angela!
(We missed you Heidi! Hope you and Stevie are feeling smarter after your weekend in Estes!)
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God/Prayer Question

To anyone who believes in a higher power and that would like to comment, what are your thoughts:

So, I have heard that you shouldn't pray for a cure to your disease, you should pray for courage or strength in dealing with it, so that is what I have always done.
Then, I hear that when you pray for courage or strength, God doesn't give you courage or strength, but instead he gives you opportunities to be courageous or to show your strength, I don't want more opportunities to be my courageous....
So, I thank God for all that I am given and for each day that I wake up I thank God for giving me my soul back another day....
But, does anyone have any thoughts on praying for a cure to cancer? What if I pray for a cure for someone else with the same thing I have...I would do that anyway, is that like praying for myself since it would help me too? Are there really all these restrictions on what we can pray for, or should we just talk to God and see what happens...do we go to hell for praying the wrong prayer? What do my friends and family believe on this topic?...I could really use some other peoples thoughts on this.
What am I thankful for? A forum to ask this question.
What would I appreciate? Honest thoughts, written in a respectful way, so as not to purposely hurt others. People won't agree, but out of respect, I ask that if you deside to read the comments and leave a comment of your own, you write it so as to just share your thoughts and not to judge or demean the thoughts and beliefs of others! Thanks!
Sometimes we need to agree to disagree...this is one of those times. HOPE and LOVE!
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Scans

Just realized not too long ago that my scans are coming up in a week or so...getting VERY nervous! More nervous for these scans than I have been for other scans in the last couple years, if you can imagine that. It could be a long couple weeks.
I apologize to the boys and Jayme in advance, because they have to live with me, and by now we all know how I get...
What am I thankful for?! Well, I guess I am thankful that, with the scans, Dr Langdon and I will know what is going on and we will be able to make adjustments accordingly.
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My blood counts were good today, so I was able to get chemo!!! DIE CANCER DIE!!!!

<3 I have the most amazing 'co-workers' on the planet! I am blessed, blessed, blessed, blessed, blessed!!!!! <3
Well, I guess you know what I am thankful for!

No Chemo this week.

I went in for chemotherapy this week, and my blood counts were all to low to get treatment, especially my white count which was 0.9. Normal is between 4-10. Yikes! The doc put me on antibiotics, and I did shots to boost my counts on both Monday and Tuesday. Today I went in and had lab drawn and my counts were back up. My white count is normal, and my red count and platelets are only mildly low.
I am packing for a girls trip this weekend to Cheyenne for Frontier Days! YAY! I leave tomorrow! If my counts didn't go up, they didn't think I should go...thank goodness my bone marrow responds well to the shots they give me! Giddy-up!!!
Right now I am writing this from bed where I am watching the boys sleep. They are so peaceful when they are sleeping. I haven't even left yet, and I am already missing them. I hate going 4 days without them, but they will be with their dad, and he has promised to make them ribs on Saturday, so they are looking forward to that! =)
Thankful for?! Good friends, guardian angels, and my family!
Say a little prayer that I get chemo next Monday!
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And the sun comes up after another Relay! Amen!
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to all those that CELEBRATED, REMEMBERED, and pledged to FIGHT BACK!
Thankful for?! Dan driving to Des Moines, I brought my pillow!
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Haymarket Park Relay For Life

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Haymarket Park Relay For Life

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RELAY HAS STARTED!!!

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Watched a FANTASTIC game by the DAWGS! WAY TO GO BOYS!!! Skye had great hits and did well as catcher!!! You make me proud, Kid!

On the road again! Rollin towards Lincoln to get our Relay on!!!

Thankful for?! A full life! We only get one chance...let's now waste our time!!!
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Fun with the Dawgs/Preparing for Relay

Well, I have been in Des Moines since lunch time on Wednesday with Skyes baseball team! We are having a GREAT time! Skyes team all did well in the skills competitions on Wednesday night and today they won both of their games!!! GO DAWGS! Skye had his debut as catcher, and he did a great job! He loves it...he likes to be bossy!

Made it up to the room tonight to shower and make calls to check on how Relay preparations are going! Sounds likes things are going well, and if the weather cooperates, I will be happy! I hope a lot of people come out, Relay veterans and newbies! Relay is very much a time to Celebrate, Remember, and Fight Back! I am so thankful that I found Relay when I did. The people that Relay connects you with are such great sources of inspiration, encouragement, and HOPE!

I am so thankful to be a part of such an event! ....And so thankful for all my team members who are at home right now making luminaries and packing their trunks with tents, coolers, fundraising items, and overnight supplies! Don't forget your ipods and walking shoes!
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Cluck Off!

Story:
New National Cluck-Off champion crowned

Larry Pankoke of Lincoln ended the 11-year reign of Del Hampton of Fort Smith, Ark., by winning the 2010 National Cluck-Off title Saturday during Wayne Chicken Show activities at Bressler Park.

Click on the video to see the winning "clucker."

For more of this story, click on or type the URL below:

http://mywaynenews.com/articles/2010/07/10/video/doc4c39014a719ab750683221.txt

JUST MAKES ME SMILE!

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BUSY DAY!

Today I went to Omaha and had my lab drawn. My counts were FANTASTIC! YAY! So, I was able to get chemo! That feels great (mentally, not physically)!
Then, I worked on Relay stuff (got to see Brandy, Angie, Lori, Ronda, Jackie, Mary etc) because BANK NIGHT was tonight!
And finally, I ended the night with a great great conversation with Jayme! We laughed, we cried, and then we laughed again! Goodnight, Moon!

Thankful for?! Larry (an acquaintance through my friend Betty, who has been a Relay supporter), winning the Wayne Chicken Days Click Off!!! How fun! I will send a link to my BLOG!
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Lastnight's Relay in Utica

Wow, lastnight's Relay was both fun and emotional. I sort of just expected to run out there, have a little fun and come home, but it ended up being quite the experience.

The boys and I went to Utica to support my home county's Relay. It was nice to be able to do that this year. It is usually scheduled for either the weekend of my Relay at Haymarket Park or the weekend of my annual trip to Cheyenne Frontier Days! Geesh! Don't they know I am busy?! HA! Anyway, Dan's mom is on the committee, so it is nice to go out and see her Relay event in action and to participate in a Relay that is not quite so CRAZY BUSY as ours is!!! But, what I found is that when you slow it all down, you have a better chance at getting personal, which is exactly what we did. They gave everyone who wanted to, the opportunity to say who they Relay in memory of or in honor of...I went up and said I relay for a couple of friends that have passed away due to this dreaded disease, my nephew went up and said he Relays in honor of me, Dan's mom went up and said she Relays in memory of her mother and in honor of me, and then came Laken....out of no where, my shy in the bigtime spotlight, Laken, goes up....takes the mic....and says (with voice cracking) that he Relays in honor of his mom...and then starts crying. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?! Now we are all crying, me, Laken, Rosemary, oh what have I done....maybe we should have stayed home. We all hugged for awhile right there, and then Laken and I went for a walk around the dark track where we ended up having an AMAZING mother and son conversation that one would never expect to occur with an 8 year old. I no longer wonder if we should have went. It was a bonding time that we will never forget! I LOVE YOU LAKEN! (Skye, I love you too, but I am thankful that you were playing basketball in the gym and missed the whole thing! One upset child at a time please! Thank you!)

Then, we all proceeded to have a GREAT time...Laken and I won the water balloon toss, they had a foot race, a frozen t-shirt contest (Skye got 2nd in that), Skye ran a mile on the track, little Tiki won a cake in his very first cake walk, and all in all, we had a lot of fun!

Thankful for?! Those times when we get to tell people how much they really mean to us!

Seward Co Relay For Life

Seward Co Relay For Life

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Seward Co Relay For Life

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Seward Co Relay For Life

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Seward Co Relay For Life

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Seward Co Relay For Life

Seward Co Relay For Life

Moment in time

Sitting in my lawnchair...my mind is racing 100 mph, yet I look out at the trees across the street and nothing is moving. How can that be? Can the world just go on as if nothing is happening to me? Can it be SO LOUD inside my head, yet SILENT around me? There are no mowers, no cars, no people talking... I see an ant tip-toeing across the drive and a butterfly silently floating through the air... it is as if I have gone deaf to the world around me.
A bird sings out and breaks the silence... Oh, thank God, I am not going crazy!
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More good news for some breast cancer patients!

Revolutionary therapy slows tumor growth in advanced breast cancer, Penn research reports
New strategy holds promise for fewer patient side effects
PHILADELPHIA - A novel therapy designed to attack tumors in patients with a genetic mutation in either BRCA1 or BRCA2, slowed tumor growth in 85 percent of advanced breast cancer patients treated in a small study, researchers report in the July 6 issue of the Lancet.

"That is really an enormous response rate in a population of patients who have received a median of three prior therapies," says study co-author Susan M. Domchek, MD, associate professor of Medicine, University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine, and director of the Cancer Risk Evaluation Program at Penn's Abramson Cancer Center.

"This is the first time that we have been able to take the genetic reason a person has developed cancer and make it a target," Domchek says. "Most of the time we look at what is going on in the tumor itself and then figure out how to target it. But in this situation, the women all had an inherited mutation in either the BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene and we could exploit that weakness in the tumor. It is a strategy that may cause fewer side effects for patients."

The new agent, called olaparib, inhibits a protein called poly(ADP-ribose) polymerase (PARP). Both PARP and the BRCA proteins are involved in DNA repair. And while cells seem to be able to do without one or the other, inhibiting PARP in a tumor that lacks a BRCA gene is too much for the cells, and causes them to die.

"If you put too much stress on the cancer cell, it can't take it and it falls apart," Domchek says. Because the non-tumor cells in a patient with an inherited BRCA mutation still retain one normal copy of the BRCA gene, they are relatively unaffected by PARP inhibition. "These drugs may be very potent in tumor cells and much less toxic in normal cells. That is important from the perspective of cancer treatment," Domchek says.

The international study enrolled 54 patients in two groups. The first group of 27 women received 400 mg oral olaparib twice daily and the second group of 27 patients received 100 mg oral olaparib twice daily. The higher dose appeared to have more activity against the disease, with one patient (4%) having a complete resolution of her tumor and ten (37%) showing substantial tumor shrinkage. Another 12 (44%) women had stable disease or some tumor shrinkage, but not enough to be considered a partial response by standard criteria. In the low dose group, six (22%) patients showed substantial shrinkage and 12 (44%) had some tumor shrinkage or stable disease.

Although the results look good thus far, Domchek says more clinical trials will be necessary before olaparib or other PARP inhibitors in development will be ready for use in regular practice. "It is important for patients to join those clinical trials because we need to determine how best to use these drugs, on their own or in combination with other agents," she said. "And we need to establish definitively that they are better than other drugs."

The PARP inhibitors are a transition in the field of cancer drug development. "This is a different way of looking at cancer therapeutics," Domchek says. "In oncology, this is really one of the first times that we've seen drugs being developed on the basis of inherited susceptibility - and that may open up a whole new avenue of drug development."
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Relay!

I made it to the last team captain meeting and was so happy to see everyone and feel the good, positive energy! I was definately needing that after chemo today! I feel so blessed to have Relay in my life!!!
It was also good to see the 4 Borer blonds!!! Love you Girls!
Update on Relay: I still have $280 to raise in order to reach my GOAL! So, if you are still wanting to donate, scroll down to my link!
Update on Chemo: My lab was good this week, so I was able to get my Gemzar today (at the reduced dosage). Talked to the PA a lot about my chemo and dosages since I am on a lot less chemo than they had initially prescribed, and there really isn't anything else to do right now due to my bone marrow not tolerating the treatments. Okay...
Thankful for?! Chemo today.
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Celebration Dawg Pile!!!

Thankful for?!?! Sons who love each other so much!!! My heart is bursting with happiness and love!
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NE Diamond Dawgs!!!

I have two of them now!!!
Congrats Laken on making the NE Diamond Dawg 8's team!!! I am so proud!
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Happy 4th of July

I hope you all had a Happy and Safe 4th of July!!!
Thankful for?! My freedoms and the men and women that fight for those freedoms! Thank you!!!
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Tonight Jayme, the kids, and I headed over to Misty's for wing night with friends! It was a nice time, and was great to get out. Misty's has the best food and one bloody mary never hurt anyone, right?! After that we came home and watered the flowers and garden. We picked the first greenbeans of the season (we are a little behind you, Julie K) and we were able to beat the ground squirrel to a red tomato! He has been getting the red cherry tomatoes as they ripen. He eats half and then I find the other half in the yard. The garden is doing great and Laken is still excited about it. We have a ton of tomatoes on, so when they riped we won't be able to eat them all!
I am really having a tough time with my hair thinning like it is. The slow daily torcher of waking with hair on the pillow and having it come out in the shower is starting to wear on me. I am lucky I still have a lot of hair and most people can't tell, but for me it is very noticeable and I am beginning to be more comfortable in a hat or bandana.
I am off all my pain medication! I am proud of that! I was very nervous about becoming addicted and I was on pretty strong stuff (20mg of OxycontinCR in the morning and 20 mg at night), so being able to wean off is a great feeling!
What am I thankful for? My time with the boys and wing night! =)
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VIDEO - Why we Relay | RelayForLife.org

VIDEO - Why we Relay RelayForLife.org: http://www.relayforlife.org/relay/trackback/121

Please watch....PLEASE understand. It only takes 3 minutes out of your life to understand what Relay means to so many people, including me. These and or similair words have come out of my mouth so many times. HOPE and LOVE!
What am I thankful for?!
These individuals, for putting themselves out there to help others understand!

The American Cancer Society - 2010 Relay For Life Lincoln Haymarket Park NE:

The American Cancer Society - 2010 Relay For Life Lincoln Haymarket Park NE:

I am again raising money for the American Cancer Society by participating in the Relay For Life with my family and friends!

Please go to the link above to track our fundraising efforts, to sign up for our team, to create your own team, or to donate to help our team raise money towards a CURE!!!!

40% of the funds raised from this event will go to researchers nationwide. The other 60% will be used right here in our state to help cancer patients like myself with transportation to treatment, obtain wigs and other products to help cope with the physical changes of cancer, and provides literature on the cancer diagnosis, treatment options, and issues within the family. These are just a few of the resources that the ACS provides.

My team and I will be walking the track at Haymarket Park for 12 hours- from 7pm on July 16th till the morning of July 17th! Below I am including information on what this walk represents. This and much more information can be found at relayforlife.org and cancer.org.

Please help me give back to an organization that has help me with so so so much!!!

Relay For Life
"Cancer Does Not Stop For Nighttime"

"Relay For Life is an 18 hour journey providing the light and dark of day and night to parallel the physical effects, emotions, and mental state of a cancer patient while undergoing treatment.

Relay For Life begins during the day, when the sun is shining bright and the excitement and energy is flowing through the community. The setting sun symbolizes the time when a patient is diagnosed with cancer. The day is getting darker and this represents the cancer patient's state of mind as he or she feels that life is coming to an end.

As the evening goes on it gets colder and darker, just as the emotions of the cancer patient does. Around 1:ooam to 2:00 am represents the time when the cancer patient starts treatment. They become exhausted, some sick, not wanting to go on, possibly wanting to give up. as a participant, you have been walking and feel much the same way. You are tired, want to sleep, maybe even want to go home, but you cannot stop or give up.

Around 4:00am to 5:00am symbolizes the coming of the end of treatment for the cancer patient. Once again they are tired, but they know they will make it.

The sun rising represents the end of treatment for the cancer patient. They see the light at the end of the tunnel and know that life will go on. The morning light brings on a new day full of life and excitement for new beginnings for the cancer patient. As a participant, you will feel the brightness of the morning and know that the end of the RELAY is close at hand.

When you leave the Relay, think of the cancer patient leaving their last treatment. Just as you are exhausted and weak, so is that person after treatment. But a new day has arrived and we are continuing to take up the fight against cancer. REMEMBER: There is no finish line until we find a cure."

I have not yet had the sun come up on my cancer journey. For the last 5 years I have been in some type of cancer treatment, be it chemotherapy, biological therapy, or radiation. I have not yet been able to feel the realization that I am going to be okay. I live my life in that 1-2am timeframe.

I will continue to fight in memory of my friends that have DIED from cancer, those that will never see the light of day again, and for myself and others who have not yet seen the light of day that represents remission or a cure for cancer.

What am I thankful for?!?! Relayers all over the world!

Virus-based drug attacks cancer cells

Virus-based drug attacks cancer cells

Hair.

As I drove the jeep with the top off today, I could see my hair floating out the top.
I decided I am going to wear a bandana from now on.
What am I thankful for?! A night of fireworks with the boys and a hotdog and marshmellow roast with the boys and my parents. I had a WONDERFUL night in Goehner!!!
I am so thankful for this time off of work. I used to be too tired to do things like this in the evening.
Love you Mom, Dad, Skye, and Laken!
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Bad News

Went in for Gemzar today and my counts were too low to give it to me.

Not a good sign if my blood marrow can't even handle what little chemo I have been reduced too.

Cancer sucks.

What am I thankful for?! Deanne and Matt. Thanks for being there! (...and Dad and the boys)
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Fantastic Weekend!

This was a great weekend! Spent Thursday helping Lori with the Lucky 7 run, spent Friday with the boys and worked on the Lucky 7, and Saturday the run was a HUGE success! Skye and Laken ran the 1 mile race! Skye got 2nd place behind an NCAA runner, who he kept up with for the first half mile! And then got to take the 1st place prize money! Laken ran amazingly well! I just didn't know those little legs could move so fast!
Skye won one of his two baseball games this weekend and Laken won his game!
The Lucky 7 was on the 10/11 news which can be seen on www.1011now.com, or there is a link to it on my FB page! Good press! After this run, I am now on a mission to find a runner who owns a business that would like to sponsor chip timing for our race next year! We had some fantastic runners out in the park this year and to have chip timing would only make things so much better! Awards would be easier and such accurate times would save us a lot of stress and occasionally some confusion! Runners and race directors both love chip timing! SO....if you know the perfect person for me to contact PLEASE let me know. The perfect person would be someone with a business we could promote with our run, $$ to donate to the chip timing system, and they would must likely enjoy running.
Chemo is tomorrow. Bummer.
What am I thankful for?! Met some cool people this weekend and had some fun! HOPE and LOVE!
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Update

They are going to stop that nasty chemo (carbo)and just give me more of the other one. YAY! Gonna keep my hair again, I think! I hope!
So, Gemzar every Monday for 3 weeks (gonna have to get better nausea meds) and then one week off. I will also continue to take the oral chemo, Tykerb, daily.
Thankful for?!?! No more hospital visits in the near future! (Fingers crossed!) My doc is the best! He always takes into consideration quality of life and not just knockin me out with hard hits that aren't going to "cure" me anyway. Working on keeping me 'stable'! My next scans will be the first week of August. So, from now till then, pray that the Gemzar does the trick!
HOPE and LOVE!
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A mess...

As the hours count down and chemo gets closer, I am much less positive about having to go up to Omaha tomorrow. I figure that is a lot of the reason that I gave been crying all day. Well, that and the fact that my boys aren't with me today. I never know what to do with myself. I miss their snuggles and how they make me laugh. I can't stand the silence! However, they are with their daddy on Father's Day, and that is VERY important!
I got a letter from the lab saying that my blood work from Monday showed I was a little anemic, but other than that it looked pretty good! YAY! No wonder I have been having such a great week. I guess that is what makes it double hard to go to chemo tomorrow. I will just have to cross my fingers and hope that this time it will be better. It is always possible!
I did get Skye's room cleaned today, so that was productive for me! (Laken's room is always clean!) Hopefully he will enjoy going in there again!
Today has been movie day! Jayms and I watched 'Valentine's Day' and 'Sherlock Holmes'.

What am a thankful for?! My DADDY!!! Happy Father's Day, Dad!! ...and both my grandpas, and all you other DADS out there! Love ya!!! XO
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Typical Saturday (?)

Today I got up, went and watched Skye play baseball, cheered as his team won and he made some great hits, I picked out a wig, and then watched Skye win another game while Laken played with other kids in the background.
Just a typical Saturday, huh?
Not really. How many other moms rushed over to Bravados over lunch to try on 12-15 wigs in ever shape and color in anticipation of losing their hair? I was actually much more emotional as I did this in 2005. This time it was easier (my eyes welled up with tears once, but not one tear dropped)...perspective plays a big role, and I have 5 years of perspective behind me. Besides, my hair is already thinning to the point that I am uncomfortable with what I see in the mirror. Not that it should matter, but I don't like the way it looks, and that does bother me.
So, now I feel prepared, if that is possible. I call the insurance company on Monday to see what % they will pay of my "hair prosthesis" (ie. Wig), give Bravados my wig rx from my doctor and I will be good to go...all ready for my hair to fall out! Then I can officially look as sick and crappy as I feel much of the time. Speaking of feeling crappy, Monday is when I get Carboplatin again (the nasty chemo) that has landed me in the hospital 2 out of 2 times- once for a blood transfusion and once for high fevers. Happy Happy Joy Joy. I don't mean to complain, but it is really hard to get psyched up for that!

What am I thankful for?! My supportive baseball moms (and dads)! I am also thankful for Skye's comment when he saw me in the wig for the first time, "You look sooo young!". My response, "SOLD!!!" Laken, he was just surprised to see It wasn't PINK! Oh dear! Hope and Love!
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Successful!

Well, It has now been 5 days since my treatment, so I must not be getting any sicker than this! YAY! Feeling great other than some nausea when I try to eat, but the meds fix that! Mildly tired, but truckin right along! Gemzar weeks are gonna be good! Out of town for baseball this weekend (shocking, I know!) and having a good time! The Dawgs won their game tonight!
Rocking a new haircut... since my hair is thinning, I thought a shorter look might be in order.

Thankful for?! My blackberry. The boys have been asleep for a couple hours, and if it wasn't for this phone I would be bored out of my mind!
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So far...

...I am not doing too bad since my Gemzar treatment on Monday. I have been sick to my stomach, but not throwing up and still (almost) able to keep up with the kids! Today was the library, the park, and pitching practice in the back yard!
What am I thankful for?! The company of my BFF! I like having a roommate! Thanks for hanging with me tonight when I was not feeling so great.
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How did I forget?!

I was so focused on how my trip to chemo went that I forget to say THANK YOU to my Relay committee and perseverance team captains and friends who sent the boys and I HUGE gift cards and to my mom and grandmas for there help to make this summer go a lot easier! I don't know exactly how to express how thankful I truely am! Being off work for a while was an extremely difficult/scary decision to make (albeit the right one) and this makes that decision a little less scary.

THANK YOU ALL FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART! <3

Thankful for?! This Tracy's Angels!!! xoxo! And...Happy Tears!
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Did it!

Today was pretty successful! I didn't get Gemzar last week like I had (kinda) hoped, but I did get to make it up today! The only thing that was kinda bad today, is that I only got 65% of the dosage due to low platelets. My stomach is pretty upset, but otherwise I am doing okay!
Yesterday the boys and I went swimming!!! Awesome! And tonight Laken won his third ball game 20 to 9!

Thankful for?! QUALITY TIME!!!!!!
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My protectors!

Was going through my photos and just HAD to put this up! Too cute! Don't mess with me, or you will have to deal with them!!!
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Summer Fun

Life is good!!!!
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Gift

A couple days ago I was given a gift of money so that I would be able to stay home from work for a while to work on getting better and to spend quality time with my children!

I was very scared to do this, but today I decided to go for it. I am going to spend time with my kids, reduce my stress, and work on doing everything my doctor wants me to do so that I can be here for as long as possible. The treatments are difficult, but this break from work will allow me to rest when I need to rest and maybe try some other more holistic treatments as well.

Thankful for?! Angels Among Us!
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Sleepless in Lincoln

Today was an amazing day!!!

1st thing this morning an angel dropped the most super fantastic opportunity in my lap! I have a lot of thinking to do on this, and then I will share more details!

Then, I went out to dinner with my mom, grandmother, Dan and the kids! That was nice and easy going! Thanks for dinner, Grandma Leff!

Finally, grandma, Dan, Skye and I went to Laken's first baseball game of the season! They won (big time) and Laken did a great job! It was also great to see that Bryson is on Laken's team, so I will be able to keep up with Bridget now!

Thankful for?! HUGE SURPRISES!!! RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS! And, other than fatigue, I felt pretty good today! No nausea, so I even ate pretty well too!
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Good News/Bad News

The good news is...I know I won't be feeling any worse over the next few days, because I didn't get chemo today.

The bad news is...My cancer is not being treated, because I didn't get chemo today.

It is hard to be disappointed when they say I don't have to put that poison into my body. I don't want to get sick! I don't want to be stuck in the hospital or stuck at home in bed, BUT...not getting chemo means more time for my cancer to grow or spread to more dangerous places, like my liver. I want a long life, but I don't want it to be a miserable one. Where is the line between quantity and quality. When is the quality so bad that you are willing to give up quantity to feel better?

Well, I have until next Monday to ponder these great questions, and then I will meet with the doc to have lab done and determine where we go from here. Do we keep trying this, changing the dosing and scheduling? Do we try a different chemo? Do we wait more?

For now, I don't know those answer.

Thankful for?! Daylight Thunderstorms! LOVE THEM! I love watching the storms roll in and out and the fresh smell of rain!
I should have ran and jumped in the puddles! I did swerve a couple times to hit some BIG puddles with the Jeep, that probably counts!
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Tomorrow...

....chemo day.

What am I thankful for?! My bed!
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Perfect 'Summer' Day

Today was an amazing day! We started the day with a big Diamond Dawgs win, then headed to the waterpark for fun in the sun where I went down a couple waterslides, lounged on the lazy river, swam some laps, and watched the kids enjoy themselves outside of a hot, dirty ballfield, and finally we ended the day with a picnic with our Dawg family!
On the cancer front I am feeling well, but bummed about the constant hair thinning...looks like I need to look for a wig soon. Maybe on Tuesday.
Thankful for?!?! Fun in the SUN and waterparks!!!
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Free!

I talked with the nurses last night, and they got a doc in my room first thing this morning. Talked to the doc and worked my way out of the hospital!

I am now in KC with Dan and the boys! GO DAWGS!!!

Thankful for?! Fresh air and sunshine!
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End of Day 3

It looks like I might be getting out of here tomorrow! My fever is down, and while my while blood counts are dropping, I convinced them to give me a shot to boost those, so hopefully they will be looking better on tomorrow mornings blood draw.

I spent some time with mom, (mostly) dad, grandma Leff, Brandy, Kody, Skye, Laken, and Dan today.

Kody wrote me a book, so I read that this evening. Now I am waiting for my meds so I can go to sleep! If all goes well, I hope to go to KC for the weekend to see Skye play baseball. Keep your fingers crossed!

On a sad note, I got a message yesterday letting me know that this nice new patient that I had met and talked to my cancer center had passed away from pancreatic cancer. Her husband had informed me a few days prior that she was going home to have hospice care in her home, as her organ had begun to shut down, so I knew It was coming, but it sucks all the same.

Thankful for?! More time.
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End of day 2

Well, I am ending day 2 in the hospital and I got to see the boys tonight! Dan brought them over after he got off of work.
Laken is a trooper! His teeth were feeling okay tonight, but his lip was pretty sore. Dan had to run down and get him some motrin.
It is hard to hang with the boys in a hospital room, I could tell they wanted to get home, but I did get good hugs and kisses and they wrote little notes to me on the dry/erase board in my room.
With regards to my health, or lack there of, they don't know the cause of my fevers yet. My temp is back down to normal again. I continue to get IV antibiotics. My stomach is still upset. I haven't kept down more than a canned pear today. Mmmm! =) But, I am happy to not have the chills and shakes like I did yesterday. That was no good!
Thankful for?! A nice chat with Terri! And a lot of text messages from people checking in on me.
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Hospital

Just saw the doc. I am going to be here another night. Fine with me, I feel horrible. Living alone and being sick is rough! Here I have help!
Cancer Sucks! When do I wake up and find that this is all just a bad dream?!
Thankful?! That Laken was able to sleep through the night and grandpa Harnly is looking after him today. Thank you, Jim!
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Hospital

Well, chemo has landed me in the hospital this time. I started getting chills that I couldn't calm with both a blanket and a space heater. I called my doc and he sent me to the ER. While here my fever continued to rise despite tylenol, so they admitted me for IV antibiotics.
While here Laken ran into a pole with his face and chipped a bottom and top permanent front teeth, and pushed the other permanent front tooth back. They splinted that tooth, in an attempt to save it, but he will likely lose it. Poor thing!
Thankful for?! Emergency medical and Dental care!
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Success

I was successful in getting chemo yesterday. They started over with Carboplatin and Gemzar, but have reduced the dosage of carbo by 20% in hopes of not killing all my good cells this time.

I have been sick to my stomach since about 9pm last night, but that is my only side effect, so far that I can tell. But, it is still early. Usually they don't hit till Wed or Thur.

What am I thankful for?! Nausea meds and time last night to spend watering my garden and flowers.
I miss Kim! =( Rest In Peace, Friend.
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Husker Baseball

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36 years old!

Thursday I celebrated my birthday at work and with girl friends past and present! I had a wonderful day and hope they all stick around in the future! I got lots of flowers and gifts...I wish they all knew that getting to SPEND TIME WITH THEM was the gift! In my life, I consider time to be the most coveted gift of all! So, tonight the boys and I spent quality time together at the Husker Baseball game! Nothing' better than that!!! The Huskers won and we enjoyed our time together! Saturday I will be spending time with my boys and my family! We are going to roast hot dogs and marshmallows! I am having a great birthday WEEK!

I also have something great to look forward to! In a week my BFF is moving in with me for a while! It will be so great to have her around!!!

I am so very blessed! In the midst of so much pain and uncertainty, I can still say and be happy that I have so many, many things in my life to be thankful for!

I hope to enjoy the weekend to the fullest, as chemo is just around the corner on Monday, and I need to be prepared for the 'TKO' that comes with it....*sigh*

What am I thankful for?! I am thankful for flowers, pez, M&Ms, rock candy, cards, rubbermaid, Faith, massages, leather pants with pink paint, $, GCs, active shoes with toes, CDs, bubble bath, cameras, more and more and more flowers!!! And, most of all, your TIME and friendship! Hope and Love! -T
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Watching my boys sleep...love it!!!

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Lipstick and Earrings

Today is a great day!

I feel more healthy today than I have in 9 months! Just in time to celebrate my 36th birthday tomorrow!!!

4 more years and I have promised myself a trip to NYC! I CAN do this!

I didn't sleep much last night, so I spent most of the night watching my boys sleep. It was a heavenly view!
Hope and Love to all!

What am I thankful for?! Sunshine and blood donors!
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Sunshine

Today is a better day! Two units of red blood yesterday and some sun, fresh air, baseball, and time with the kids today = Much Better Day!
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More Quality Time than He Expected

My dad drove me to Omaha for lab and chemo today, and again they are putting off my chemotherapy. All my lab was low. White blood cells, red blood cells, and platelets. Plus I told him about my evening fevers, and my lightheadedness.

I will receive daily shots for the next week. One to boost RBCs and one to boost WBCs. I will also get lab every other day to keep an eye on what is happening. I will take antibiotics and will track my temperatures. Chemo will hopefully be next week.

Today we left for Omaha at 9am and we are just heading back to Lincoln now, 9:38pm. When I get there I will have a trip to Walgreens and then finally home to crash! Dad will still have another 40min drive after I hit my bed!

What am I thankful for?! HELP.
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Tomorrow

Tomorrow I am scheduled to make up the chemotherapy (Gemzar) that I had to put off last week. If my white blood cell counts have not rebounded to at least close to the low end of normal, then it is possible that chemo could be put off again. With that comes mixed emotions. I need the chemo to survive this deadly disease, but I HATE dealing with the side effects! This has been worse than the first go around. I suppose that is because my body isn't as strong as it was in the beginning due to having been in treatment for the last 5 years straight.

I have been getting light headed a lot, but I have not passed out since that one time in the middle of the night. I also took my temperature a couple of times this evening and it was 100.8* and 100.4*. They said to call if my temp went up, so I am kinda glad I am going to see my doc in the morning. I am already on antibiotics, so I am not sure why my temperature is up.

What am I thankful for?! Time spent with my parents this weekend. They are spending a lot of time with me and have been so helpful around the house, keeping my spirits up and taking me to Omaha. Brandy also helped by dropping off Gatoraide in every color!
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End of grade school

Tonight Skye had his 5th grade musical. He did fantastic, and I was unable to hold back the tears. This was Skye's last event before heading off to Middle School! What a blessing that I am still here to see this transition, as he was in Kindergarten when I was 1st diagnosed with cancer. While I was happy to be in that seat, the new developments in my cancer definately made me worry about whether I would be at more events in the future. Cancer holds you hostage with thoughts of "when will I die?"...I hate it!!! Anyone could die at any time, but I have to worry about it all the time! I don't want to, I just can't help it! Cancer Sucks! Speaking of cancer sucking, my thoughts are with you Mel! Prayers to you!

Thankful for?! So happy to have spent tonight watching Skye sing! He is my STAR!

Blood Counts

I got the results on my bloodwork, and my white blood cells seem to be rebounding, slowly but surely. They are still low, but they feel that they could be fine by Monday without having to give me the dreaded shots to boost their production. Woo-Hoo! I am not a fan of those shots...the poke I can handle, it's the bone pain that follows that I don't like.

The bad news is that my platelets have plummeted since Monday, so they said if I start to have any bleeding, like a bloody nose, that I should go directly to the ER. If they continue to be this low when I go in on Monday, I will have a platelet transfusion.

Thankful for?!?! Naps.
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Reseaching Drugs

Well, I have been doing my research and the drug that is going to help me get and stay positive is T-DM1.

Hopefully it will be available to people such as myself in a year to 18 months (I hope, crossing fingers!). It was just in stage 2 of clinical trials and was doing so well on my type of breast CA that they stopped the trial and gave it to all the women. They are now trying to rush it through the FDA, but there is still a lot that needs to be done.

Right now they are allowing everyone in the clinical trial to be on and stay on the drug. They are also allowing women to take it on a compassionate basis. In order to get on the drug that way, you half to have failed all types of standard chemotherapy, and have progressive disease. Since, there are types I haven't tried yet, I can't get on the new drug, until it is available to everyone. (12-18 month, hopefully)

What I think is so good about this drug, is that it uses both chemo and biological therapy. Biological therapy allows the combination drug to seek out just the cancer cells and then the chemo component kills them. This is much less toxic on the system, therefore causing fewer side effects! AMEN!

Anyway, that is my simple explaination of what is going on in my head regarding my cancer treatment. My goal is to use these old school standards of treatment to get me through until this new drug combination comes out! The new drug should allow me a much better QOL (quality of life) (if it works for me), than the drugs I am on now.

What am I thankful for?! Dan came over tonight to help us get the video games hooked up. Skye and I have tried for (sadly) months and just couldn't get It accomplished, so Dan so kindly came and got them going. Skye and I were able to plug everything in right, but when It didn't work, we weren't able to discern which component was the problem. Dan was quick at It, and the kids are very happy now! And I am too, maybe they will play a game or too and allow me a little nap time after chemo day. And I can't wait to kick their bootys in bowling! And get started back on the Wii Fit! Fun stuff!

Hope and Love, T
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Holding up Half the Sky

One day an elephant saw a hummingbird lying on it's back with its tiny feet in the air. "What are you doing?" asked the elephant.

The hummingbird replied, "I heard that the sky might fall today, and so I am ready to help hold it up, should it fall."

The elephant laughed cruelly. "Do you really think," he said, "that those tiny feet could help hold up the sky?"

The hummingbird kept his feet int he air, intent on his purpose, as he replied, "Not alone. But each must do what he can. And this is what I can do."

Holding Up Half The Sky- A Chinese Folktale
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Two beautiful flowers for two amazing little boys!

My favorite flower bloomed at my dad's house on my boys' birthday!
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Chemo Update, set back

‪I went into Omaha for lab and treatment today only to find out that I am unable to have chemotherapy this week.‬ The biggest problem is my white blood cell count which is down to almost nothing. Also, my blood pressure is very low, they had to take it three times to get it to even read on the machine, and my weight is down 7 pounds in a week. I have been having chills and I have a low grade fever, so I am also on antibiotics for a week.  They gave me a digital thermometer to keep by my bed to remind me to occasionally take my temperature.  They were not too happy that I had those symptoms and then was around an entire baseball team all weekend (mostly I was in my hotel room, so they seemed pretty ok with that)‬‪.
I will get my blood drawn in Lincoln this Thur to see if my blood counts have gone up any on their own, and if they have, GREAT! If not I will do shots on Fri and Sat to help boost them up and then go in on Monday again to see if they are up to a satisfactory level. If they are, I will have week 2's chemo that day, and then a break the following week before starting my next round. 
They also said I might lose my hair because I have been in so much treatment over the last 5 years and they are giving me a high dose of Carboplatin.  They gave me a script for a wig today incase I want to get a wig ahead of time...to "be prepared".‬‪. Cab anyone really be prepared for the instant hairloss that chemo causes?!
So, the saga continues…‬‪

What am I thankful for?! Thankful for my dad who took the kids to school for me this morning and drove me to Omaha to meet with my oncologist, and for my mom who tipped him off to the idea that I might need help with that today! I have FANTASTIC parents! And, thankful for my sis who called to check on me tonight and talked until her heart monitor started going off in toy-r-us! Haha! That place makes my heart race too! Hers must have been racing so much that her battery was starting to die! Sweet dreams my crazy family!
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Chemo Update

Well, Chemo hit me on Thursday instead of Wednesday, like I had expected. Fortunately, my mom was able to help out and the kids and I had a great day with her at the zoo for their birthdays. Skye commented once that I looked miserable, so we sat out the bears and the aviary and got something to drink while mom and Laken did those. We ended the trip with cupcakes in the parking lot! All in all, I think it turned out well given the situation. We made it back to Lincoln in time for baseball practice (during which I curled up in the Jeep and slept, I was beat to say the least but I would do ANYTHING for my kids) and then we went out to dinner with Dan.
Friday I woke up unable to walk to the bathroom without having to lay down on the floor. I was so weak. It took everything in me to shower....while sitting on the floor of the shower, put some clothes in a bag and brush my teeth by 4pm.
At 4pm Dan and the boys came and put me in the Tahoe, and we headed to Des Moines IA for baseball. When we got here Dan headed to his room, the boys headed to the pool and I hit my room to lay down.
The highlights of the day were: receiving a letter from Skye for mother's day (which made me bawl because he is too grown up for his age sometimes), flowers from the boys in bottles they had decorated, and 9:30pm when the boys came back to the room to snuggle!
At 12:42am my chemo fog seemed to lift, and I am hoping that means a good day of watching baseball tomorrow! (Well, I guess today, since Skye has to be up in 4 hours!)
Luckily I have great support from the other baseball parents, so if things don't go as well as I am hoping, I can always count on them!
What am I thankful for?! A weekend full of baseball with Dan and the boys! Life can be good! Thanks to Heidi S for helping me through the bad times today, because I was having a hard time remembering that, and that is a bad thing to forget!
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Now I get to share photos with you all! How fun! I love photos! YAY! Even better when I can do this from bed! =)

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My sisters marathon shoes! She ran for me and for Lil Ben who lost his battle with a childhood brain tumor.
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The two best things that have ever happened to me!!! My Boys!!!
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Heidi S's marathon shirt! How awesome for her to support me like this! Brandy and Lori B did similair things, but I don't have their pics.
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Brandy and I at the Lincoln National Guard 1/2 Marathon
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I would like to say that my heart hurts for all of us that loved & were touched by our friend Mary Beth who just lost her battle with cancer. RIP! We will miss you! xoxo!

CANCER SUCKS!!!!

1st treatment today! The chemo I will be on should NOT cause hair loss! Wow! 5 continuous yrs on cancer treatments & still no hairloss! Sorry my hairless buds!

I'm going to be treated with Carboplatin/Gemzar/Tykerb. I was on C/G in 2005 and have been on Tykerb since Nov 09. I will have 2 weeks on and 1 week off.

Thanks to all who texted good wishes today & to everyone who has been commenting on my BLOG. In this time of sadness/fear/ frustration your words really help!

Tomorrow is the big day... I will meet with my oncologist, make a plan, and hopefully get the chemotherapy started. I found more swollen lymphnodes today! =(

Had ton of support this weekend from my family, The DDDivas(& dads), & my friends running the marathon! I'm blessed to have these great people in my life! xo

Thankful for?! A lot of fresh air this weekend! The DD's had a great baseball Tournament- 2nd place (YAY Skye), & my sis kicked butt in the 1/2 marathon! Proud!

HAPPY ARBOR DAY! I am thankful for a weekend to spend with family and friends before my new chemo starts! Good Luck Diamond Dawgs and Lincoln Marathoners!

Sad News- Turns out the chemo I've been on hasn't been working. CT scans indicate previous areas of cancer are larger & there are a smattering of new areas.

May 3rd I start a new chemotherapy regimen- full steam ahead! I wish I wasn't going into this already fatigued! Dan & I did sit down and tell the boys tonight!

Thankful for?! Kids who are tough as nails! I pray they wouldn't need to be.

Called to get my CT results from the nurse like I always do. The receptionist said she would have my nurse call me back, like she always does....no call.......

Called for my results the 2nd time & the receptionist put me on hold for the nurse & then got back on the phone to say the Doc will call me. Not sounding good!

Thankful for?!? Friends who talk me through all the possibilities and remind me I have Adivan.... Those through "Thick and Thin" friends! Love you guys!

My Doc didn't call with my scan results yesterday, so I will call this morning and see what I can find out! My fingers and toes are starting to cramp!!! =)

THANKFUL for?!? The story posted below! 17 years is a long time to live with this disease, physically and mentally! What HOPE she provides for human STRENGTH!

A MUST READ from NY TIMES: 17 Years Later, a Cancer Survivor Is Celebrating Life
For more: http://s.nyt.com/s/CsD=24U
HOPE and LOVE! -Tracy

Had chest, abd, & pelvic CT scans today, & also a tibia x-ray. 1st time in a long time that I had tears going into the scanner. Cross your fingers and toes!!!

They are putting a rush on my scan results, so I will probably hear today yet or tom. morning, so send your prayers quickly if u are sending them! HOPE & LOVE!

Thankful for? Koke & the scan dance; for Jill & the others that turn scans at Cancer Cntr into "catching up with friends"! Bless you!!! & a lil extra for Matt!

MRI Results: No cancer in my brain! Today is a day to celebrate!!! AMEN!